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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

It's a MIL one - how do I approach this

99 replies

LifesABeachx · 14/03/2025 17:27

Just want to start with saying I'm grateful my MIL helps out with DC.
However there's a few issues regarding boundaries.
For instance MIL would go into my underwear drawer and take socks. She wouldn't say anything and I'd spot her with my socks on at a later date. She will use my products and hair tools (not a major issue) but always leaves the stuff out. She will also help herself to my snacks, quite often eating multiple or leaving none of certain things. Seems pretty petty but I have been openly annoyed about this one.

However, one time DP came home & she was watching DC who was napping. He walked in and she was walking around naked. She just laughed this off, but had no reason to be showering or walking about naked.

She has started sleeping over to let me work an extra day, it's just a short term arrangement. She brings pyjamas but will sleep naked, get up and walk around naked (usually in front of us) and take DC in to the bed with her whilst naked.
Since that she's started going in the bath with DC without asking if this is okay...

I'm just wondering if AIBU with being uncomfortable about this?
For some reason, I don't know how to approach this.

OP posts:
Lurkingandlearning · 14/03/2025 19:43

I sometimes think the “my house, my rules” thing goes a bit far but insisting that guests remain fully clothed is reasonable.

If DH can’t do anything about it I’d be inclined to say, “Ok hippie chick, I’ve seen enough of you today. Off you go.” And send her home

Bababear987 · 14/03/2025 20:08

Not to be rude or anything but where do you live cause I dont think nakedness is a generational thing?
How can your own mother not be shocked at this either?
That woman is a nut, I'd not be having her anywhere near my child. It's also your husbands problem as it's his mother but this is one of the most crazy stories I've ever read on here

Original poster
LifesABeachx · 14/03/2025 20:17

@Bababear987 I was shocked at my mums passiveness towards it. We certainly weren't a household that would find such behaviour acceptable.

I think she believes there's nothing behind it other than MIL being too comfortable. And generational, maybe MIL's upbringing was different or it wasn't as much of an issue then? Or Perhaps that's a less informed observation on my part.

OP posts:
Original poster
LifesABeachx · 14/03/2025 20:28

@PeggyMitchellsCameo I'm baffled by why she thinks it's acceptable to do any of it. It's like she has a genuine problem where she doesn't see any boundaries. Then she doesn't understand what the issue is.
It has just been laughed off until now even with me expressing discomfort about it all.

OP posts:
Lollypop701 · 14/03/2025 20:36

That’s the issue though, you are uncomfortable and have expressed that and she disregards this… that’s not ok. She is being disrespectful and that’s not explained away by being a free spirit/ditzy … it’s just selfish bad behaviour. I point this out to her personally… but it’s not going to go down well as apparently everyone else panders to her

Maddy70 · 14/03/2025 23:29

If she's looking after your children she's welcome to all the snacks , hair products , absolutely anything I have

FluffyJawsOfDoom · 15/03/2025 07:07

As someone married to a man who was sexually abused by his own mother, no, this behaviour is not ok and not normal.

Is the beginnings of dementia a possibility?

Babyybabyyy · 15/03/2025 07:11

It’s time for your children to go to nursery and stop relying on MIL to provide regular childcare. I’m not sure why she’s staying over, but time to stop this. Very bizarre and attention seeking to sleep naked and walk around naked at someone else’s house.

TheMeasure · 15/03/2025 07:16

It’s not a generational thing. It’s a weird thing.

Poppyfun1 · 15/03/2025 07:20

What? No. Stop this behaviour now.

Breezydays1 · 15/03/2025 07:22

It is all a bit strange and if its making you feel uncomfortable enough to question it on mumsnet, then that is your gut telling you it is 100% wrong and you know you need to tell her so. If my MIL is ever at our house to watch the children I always tell her to help herself to tea/coffee/food etc so the snack part would not bother me, but wearing my socks? Walking around naked? Bathing with my child? No, No, massive NO!!!

BellissimoGecko · 15/03/2025 07:27

This is weird. Does MIL have form for walking around naked? If not, it’s a bizarre thing to suddenly start doing.

You need to start setting boundaries, and if she can’t stick to them, pay for childcare.

KindLemur · 15/03/2025 07:30

I’m sorry but I would have been searching ofsted registered childcare options the minute she was naked in my house randomly.

You say it’s ’just Til april’ well that is a few more weeks. I’m sure you can afford one day of childcare.

Leaningtowerofpisa · 15/03/2025 07:31

I think this is all about setting boundaries with her. She maybe a different generation / free spirit/ not malicious but in your home with your child it’s not the sort of behaviour you expect in your house from someone looking after your child.

I think you should have a chat first with your husband to ensure you are on the same page and work out perhaps where you agree and where you differ. You don’t want this to end up as an argument between the two of you.

Then you both sit down and explain that you whilst you love her looking after your child and appreciate the care, the following behaviour you are not comfortable with. I would ignore snacks but going through drawers and being naked/ taking child in bath is the line. I would then listen to her point of view as she may well be upset but if she is a decent person she may not agree but will respect your boundaries. You then get to decide from there how to go forward. She either agrees to stop that behaviour or she cannot care for your child.
Think about the outcome you actually want from this which I’d hope is a caring grandmother that enjoys spending fun times with your child. Who loves them. You don’t want to alienate her and make her feel rubbish about it (as you say it’s not malicious just her ) so be gentle but firm.

You could just ignore it and push her away as you no longer need care but I think then you are avoiding the real issue and she will forever wonder what she has done wrong and it will cause resentment. Plus you want if at all possible a grandma in your life. I think it would be good if your husband was there aswell as long as it’s not seen as 2 onto 1 . You decide what feels best.

Strictlymad · 15/03/2025 07:32

So she’s a thief? She steals your undies as I assume she doesn’t bring them back? And has your dc in bed with her while she’s naked? This is so inappropriate I don’t have words!

TheOverstuffedWalrus · 15/03/2025 07:34

Why would you allow this?

EThreepwood · 15/03/2025 07:34

Not one of you has consented to seeing your MIL naked. Even if she is doing this innocently she is blurring the boundaries your child will have in place for adults and exposing themselves. So god forbid they were ever put in a SA position, but they will have confusion over whether this is normal or not.

MissDoubleU · 15/03/2025 07:39

LifesABeachx · 14/03/2025 20:28

@PeggyMitchellsCameo I'm baffled by why she thinks it's acceptable to do any of it. It's like she has a genuine problem where she doesn't see any boundaries. Then she doesn't understand what the issue is.
It has just been laughed off until now even with me expressing discomfort about it all.

sorry I didn’t mean to quote you on this!!

Bottom line: you did not consent to seeing her naked. You could highlight to her that this sort of flashing and showing herself out would be indecent exposure and if you find her naked again, particularly around your young children, you will report her to the police. This is a serious sexual crime that can come with a custodial sentence of up to 2 years. Adding in that she is exposing herself to children, well, you can imagine how well it will go I’m sure.

If she has had the warning and does it again, stand by it. She’s getting something out of it. Exhibitionist behaviour. She can go be naked in her own home.

Chenecinquantecinq · 15/03/2025 07:42

My husband’s family are a bit like this. His mother had a key to our house his sisters on villa holiday would walk round naked in front of everyone. I can’t imagine walking around naked in front of my brother. I find it v v uncomfortable but they all seem to find it normal and I’m left feeling prudish.

MellowCritic · 15/03/2025 07:47

Op under no circumstances do you allow this woman to ever be naked around your kids, you never allow your kids to get into bed with her either and you clearly can't trust her so you need to stop the child care. Seriously shocking you can't see this.

TimetoPour · 15/03/2025 07:49

MIL, I’m really not comfortable with all the nakedness. We are trying to teach our child about boundaries and we would really appreciate you keeping clothes on when staying on our home. I don’t want DC thinking it is acceptable to get in to bed with anyone that sleeps in the nude. We don’t do it and would rather you didn’t either.

MIL, have you been helping yourself to my xyz again? Would you like some of your own for your birthday/Mother’s Day /Christmas?

She is being extremely kind to you by offering childcare so I couldn’t get worked up over snacks. Snacks have got to be cheaper than childcare. Suck this one up and buy extra

Fingeronthebutton · 15/03/2025 07:49

I’m horrified that you leave your children with someone who is clearly unhinged 😱
How much more of this weird behaviour are you gong to excuse before you wake up and smell the coffee.
Hopefully that time will come before something awful happens and you live to regret not acting now
The red flag is up. Don’t ignore it.

HeyDoodie · 15/03/2025 07:51

I used to bath with my kids when they were little and walk round naked but my mum would never dream of doing these things. The best time to discuss it is when you clap eyes on the socks on her feet or suddenly see her naked.

Hide your snacks and buy her a little named box of things she can use at your home (socks, moisturiser etc).

Iwannakeepondancing · 15/03/2025 07:52

Eating the snacks fine… everything else is wrong! Put the boundaries down now!!

rivalsbinge · 15/03/2025 07:55

She sounds batshit.

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