It's a MIL one - how do I approach this

[LifesABeachx]

Just want to start with saying I'm grateful my MIL helps out with DC.
However there's a few issues regarding boundaries.
For instance MIL would go into my underwear drawer and take socks. She wouldn't say anything and I'd spot her with my socks on at a later date. She will use my products and hair tools (not a major issue) but always leaves the stuff out. She will also help herself to my snacks, quite often eating multiple or leaving none of certain things. Seems pretty petty but I have been openly annoyed about this one.

However, one time DP came home & she was watching DC who was napping. He walked in and she was walking around naked. She just laughed this off, but had no reason to be showering or walking about naked.

She has started sleeping over to let me work an extra day, it's just a short term arrangement. She brings pyjamas but will sleep naked, get up and walk around naked (usually in front of us) and take DC in to the bed with her whilst naked.
Since that she's started going in the bath with DC without asking if this is okay...

I'm just wondering if AIBU with being uncomfortable about this?
For some reason, I don't know how to approach this.

I grew up on a house where my dad would get naked and walk around naked, and then wear boxers for the whole night with heating on full.

I couldn't have friends round because he gave no Fs, and wouldn't change his behaviour in "his house".

However he would absolutely not do this in MY house and he'd put shorts on at a minimum in the night to pee or cuddle kiddos if disturbed in night (although mum more likely to be the one doing this).

I think you and your husband needs to both discuss boundaries as you may stop soon but will she help again in the future?

It's your house/kids so you do get to set the rules :)

I can't believe she's bathing with your kids without asking! That's a really intimate mother thing only! She's really overstepping...
She sounds really strange. I think you both need to take her aside and tell her you're not comfortable with her behaviour....and she needs to not rifle through your drawers and help herself to your stuff. 🤨

It's not a generational thing. I would never walk around naked in front of my grandchildren or bath with them!

Your DH cannot wash his hands of this! It’s his mother and you both need to speak to her together. Otherwise it will be framed as a ‘you’ problem.

I think it’s reasonable to be concerned that your MIL may be unwell, as other posters have said - could this be early signs of dementia? Disinhibition - is that what it’s called ? Does your DP have siblings ? If so maybe they are noticing things too.

I think it's time to find alternative, paid childcare.

People always think that grandparents are best suited to look after children, but in many cases they're just not.

You're concerned about her borrowing socks and taking snacks when there's an elephant in the room?

It's normal for children to see nakedness momentarily from family when they are changing to swim, showering, bathing or getting dressed. How old is your child? If Nana bathed with a four year old I think I'd like Nana to wear bathers.

If the child were one and they were bathing to get clean - it doesn't seem out of line and it ensures the one year old is safe with Nana and Nana gets her bath.
Your MIL is there as babysitter a lot so I would be giving her a drawer of her own in which to put socks, snacks and hair tools. (Idea for Xmas gifts to stock Nana's drawer.)
If nude is how Nana usually spends part of every day and has done for many years, I see no Dementia. You just need to stipulate that loose clothing is what is acceptable at your house and be firm about it. Begin with saying that her nudeness was not surprising but in your home please wear loose comfortable clothing.
Nana will not be caring for your child for more than another few weeks but use the experience to set boundaries even so. It will help for the future.

I'm in my 50s and don't remember bathing with my grandparents, or ever seeing them naked.

But even if that was the case, you are allowed to tell your mil you don't want her doing it in your house.

I would definitely not allow her to be walking around naked or putting the dcs in with her naked, bed or bath.

Do you have a history of being told that your boundaries are not important? Because this woman seems to be deliberately trying to see how far she can go. Stealing your socks (and anything else??) and showing you that she’s used your products and your personal grooming tools is very blatantly telling you that she doesn’t care that she’s in your house. Getting naked and waking around in front of you in YOUR house is the same but on steroids. She seems to be either trying to provoke a reaction or she’s dominating you and your H and enjoying it.

I would have to say- with your H and ideally when she’s wearing your socks- that none of the behaviour is ok and she stops now or doesn’t come over any more. Make arrangements that mean you don’t have to depend on her, and if she doesn’t stop then she can’t come round.

Op if this was a man walking around naked with your children you would absolutely go off your head.
They'd be no brushing it off as innocent.

Just because women are less likely to be child abusers doesn't mean it doesn't happen. It's almost like she's hiding in plain sight.

There is something really off to me. Its just not normal behavior to walk around naked.

I get what you are saying you only need childcare until April.
Are you in a position where one of you can work from home? So you can keep an eye on things?

Under no circumstances would I allow this woman to babysit or do childcare beyond April.

That’s fucking gross and extremely weird. That would be an immediate ban on seeing the kids for me. The other stuff is boundary pushing, territory marking. Red flags all round.

I’m 65 and grandma sharing a bath or sleeping naked with a baby would have been acceptable in my day but not older than about 18 months.
MIL sounds like a bit of a nudist and it’s reasonable to say she can’t be naked in your home. Also to ask her not to nick your socks. If she’s providing childcare in your home then taking snacks is reasonable.

Pay for childcare if it really upsets you OP

She’s appalling free & easy in your home. Unbelievably entitled to touch anything in your drawers. You in effect have no privacy from this woman. What she does in her home is her business. Time to set a few ground rules for when she’s in your home around your children. No. 1 she keeps her clothes on!

Beggars can't be choosers. Pay for a nanny.

Does your dh say she was like this whilst he was a child
I don't understand why you all9wed her to sleep with child naked or take a bath with them.

I would have tore her a new one,you need to advocate for your child.
She's putting them in situations that shouldn't be happening.

OP Your house, your rules! If you are uncomfortable with anything MIL does in your house - you should let her know. She can do whatever she wishes in her own home but it isn't acceptable in your home if you say so and that includes walking around in the buff.
She is taking liberties in your home - how dare she rummage through your personal belongings? She could be looking at private papers and all other kinds of things. Definitely not on.
Time for alternative childcare too if you have issues with this.

I can’t understand why you say your partner will expect you to talk to his mother about her batshit behaviour! Sorry op, sounds like you have a problem with the both of them……

You could stop buying the snacks or consider hiding them.
You could rearrange your drawers so she gets frustrated finding your socks.
Or, you could, stop her caring for your child altogether.
The 'walking round naked' would be the killer for me - imagine your child sharing that information with someone outside your family. And wanting to share a bath with my child would totally flip my shit!
Your MIL obviously has no filters and under no circumstances should your MIL have sole access to your children.

I am a granny of young children. Your MIL is dangerously bonkers. I would have been spoken to ages ago with good reason. The last thing I would want is for my grandchildren to see me naked. It is not a pleasant sight! Going into drawers in bedrooms is not on. However if I am looking after grandchildren in my children’s homes ( this happens once a week) I am normally told where all the snacks are and to help myself.

Jeez… this!
why are you even asking ?! It’s clearly not appropriate. Stand up for your kids for gods sake, they are having to bathe with naked grandma. Its gross.

edited to say this is a social care referral waiting to happen.

My eyes widened like a cartoon character when I read that your DH caught her walking around naked and then about her sleeping naked and taking your kid into bed with her?! This is categorically not a generational thing, I cannot think of any of my friends parents thinking is acceptable or vice versa.

I would stop using her for childcare immediately. Find a local childminder or nanny to give yourself a break (because you do deserve a break!) and get her out of your house. I feel very uncomfortable thinking about this situation.

Yes.
Can you imagine the child telling someone at nursery or school that Granny gets into bed with them naked?
Alarm bells would be ringing.

Far too many are brushing this off because it's a woman, yes less women abuse but not all women are innocent.

There is something just not right here. This woman has zero boundaries.

Dunno if it helps to say so but I'm a sleep naked and wander about the house naked kind of gal. I wouldn't do it if in someone else's house - always a pair of pj's if staying over.