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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To have ditched twat DH at the airport and gone on holiday without him?

1000 replies

AskingForTacos · 14/03/2025 16:07

I’m 32 and have never had a holiday abroad. It’s a combination of things really, growing up I had 2 disabled siblings and it wasn’t practical or financially possible to travel. Had a couple of caravan holidays in the rain but hated them as it unsettled my siblings and everybody was stressed.

Became a single mum at 21 (DD now 11), so once again couldn’t afford holidays. Met DH 4 years ago and we have a 2 year old DS. DH has been well-travelled over the years, but hasn’t had a holiday since meeting me as we’ve been saving up for general life expenses. The end of last year I have a bereavement and became quite sentimental, emotional about my children and general life experiences and sort of had a “grab life by the reins” moment and told DH I wanted to have a sunny family holiday together, and he agreed. We’re both a bit tight and I also don’t cope with overly hot weather (anything above 25 degrees is too much) so have chosen to go in March and set off early this morning. And before anybody asks yes I’m going to pay the fine from DD school.

Flight was with Ryanair. I had a checked bag for mine and the toddler’s stuff, DD had a 10kg carry on. Mine and DD’s bags were full but within guidelines. DH travels light so decided to just take a personal bag and filled it to the brim. He even ordered some sort of zip extension thing from Amazon to make it close more than it naturally should. I’m sure you can see where this is going.

Me, DD and the baby sail through the gate and he gets stopped. I asked, in fact, begged him to just pay the extra charge so we could be on our way, we could afford it. It could’ve just been chalked up a lesson learnt, but no, he had to be a dick about it. He was abusive to staff and called a girl who only looked about 20 a “jobsworth bitch”. At this point, he was told he would not be travelling (rightly so). He changed his tune then and tried to pay the fine but they weren’t having it. It was like an episode of Airline circa 1999. He then started an irritating speech about how it’s disgraceful etc etc and tried to get us all escorted out with him. I initially was going to go with him because I was stressed but DD was absolutely devastated as she’s been looking forward to the holiday for months. She started crying and I decided me and the kids would still go.

We arrived a few hours ago and are settled in our hotel but I’m on edge. I’ve spoken to him on the phone and he thinks I was a cow for leaving him. He’s coming out tomorrow on a different flight (from a different airport...) and I’m dreading it. On the phone he said we should’ve all gone out tomorrow together. It’s only a 7 night holiday and who knows when the next one will be so for me every second counts especially as we wanted a combination of excursions and chilling days in the resort. If we flew out tomorrow we'd only get 2 resort days not to mention paying for all new flights. He’s not physically abusive or anything like that, I’m not scared, I just can’t be arsed listening to the moaning. Was I wrong to go without him?

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 15/03/2025 18:14

AskingForTacos · 15/03/2025 14:28

He’s flying now, took off around 2pm. Any attempts to to speak over the phone have been shut down with “We’ll speak when I get there”. The kids are having a blast so I’m trying not to think about him until he is due to get here which will be a couple of hours yet

He might want to speak but you don't have to - unless it's civil

WorkItUpYourBangle · 15/03/2025 18:16

I think you know you're the one in the right. He caused all this nonsense not you or the kids.

Ferrfoxache · 15/03/2025 18:17

You put the kids first, He put himself first. Good on you for not giving in to his shit.

GreenCandleWax · 15/03/2025 18:22

AskingForTacos · 15/03/2025 15:29

Yes my strategy when he arrives is to not berate him, my kids and their holiday come first. DD has had enough crap going on in her life recently involving her biological father’s family drama. As much as I’m pissed off at him at the moment I think I’m going to grin and bear it and act happy to see him. I can tolerate him so long as he doesn’t stir up more drama

But if you minimise it for the holiday, won't he just revert to normal noxious behaviour as you were concerned he would? No easy answers as you don't want argument about the airport fiasco to ruin the holiday for you and DC. Whichever way you go, hoping you have a lovely special holiday.

GreenCandleWax · 15/03/2025 18:27

AskingForTacos · 15/03/2025 15:57

Right logging off again now to take kids for a walk. Because the knob missed the original flight his transfers are all buggered up so he’ll be trekking from the airport to the hotel on several public transport buses 😂 He won’t get here until 9pm UK time lol.

Edited

So potentially he has paid for three flights not one, so much for moaning about the money! What a total d...head.

Towwanthustice · 15/03/2025 18:29

So instead of paying for thr excess baggage charge he now has to pay for another flight?.
You'd think as he was well travelled he'd of known the baggage allowance and weighed it etc...
I'd tell him not to bother coming and enjoy you holiday without him.

Praying4Peace · 15/03/2025 18:30

AskingForTacos · 14/03/2025 16:09

I still want to try and enjoy tonight but it's DS's nap time, hence why I'm in the hotel room on MN!

Enjoy your holiday. YANBU

Grandame · 15/03/2025 18:31

YANBU I really admire you for what you did. I’ve been mentally abused all my life and have never been brave enough to walk away because he is very clever, charming and manipulative and I’ve always known he would make sure my daughters would side with him and I just couldn’t bear that. Life has been tough but I’ve never regretted my decision.
Be prepared to walk away if you have to and it would be prudent to set up a “running away fund” contingency plan if you are able.

MrsTerryPratchett · 15/03/2025 18:31

Dideon · 15/03/2025 18:14

AFT you sound lovely and so invested in your kids happiness and life experiences. Be proud of yourself and don’t let the fucker get you down.

This. It’s really lovely!

Rachie1973 · 15/03/2025 18:32

Bogginsthe3rd · 14/03/2025 18:38

And maybe if you hadn't taken them out of school they could have gone on to postgraduate studies? The point is at that age the loss of education can really impact.

Highly unlikely though and not your problem at all.

Praying4Peace · 15/03/2025 18:33

Movinghouseatlast · 15/03/2025 15:51

Mate, these things are bare minimum in a partner, not good qualities.

Disagree. Some partners don't possess these bare minimum

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 15/03/2025 18:34

AskingForTacos · 15/03/2025 15:48

To folk asking what his good qualities are:

  1. never raises his voice or gets violent with me (but does raise his voice at service staff which I hate) I’ve never been frightened by him. Irritated and pissed off yes, never frightened.
  2. generally good relationship with DD (doing the school run, making her laugh, supporting with hobbies and homework etc) and stepped up when her biological father got into a relationship and started being a knob about seeing her
  3. never had any issues stepping up as a father when I unexpectedly got pregnant with ds. He found the pregnancy stressful and there were incidents where he stressed me out when I had scans, but overall he loved having a baby and was helpful
  4. played a charmer for the first couple of years of the relationship and only started the moaning and complaining after this time
this isn’t me defending him, he’s a knob. Just some context
Edited

I know it’s been said but these are not “good qualities” They are basic qualities that someone should expect as a bare minimum. I suspect that because you were with someone even worse before, you feel grateful about this chump. But he is a huge chump and this behaviour will still damage your children. Please seek help OP - therapy, counselling etc to build yourself up and realise what you are worth.

  1. never raises his voice or gets violent with me - this is not a good quality, this is a basic right in a relationship. The fact that he does it to others in front of you and your children is a HUGE RED FLAG
  2. generally good relationship with DD - so not always?? Worrying
  3. never had any issues stepping up as a father when I unexpectedly got pregnant with ds. - again, basic expectation for any partner
  4. played a charmer for the first couple of years of the relationship and only started the moaning and complaining after this time - again massive red flag. Maybe you still haven’t seen the worst and the cracks are only just appearing…
Peaceandquietandacuppa · 15/03/2025 18:36

Praying4Peace · 15/03/2025 18:33

Disagree. Some partners don't possess these bare minimum

That’s not a reason to accept bad behaviour because they’re not a total shit head. I’d rather be alone with my kids.

Mrsbloggz · 15/03/2025 18:43

This man certainly deserved what happened, the problem is he is now at leisure to punish you all by ruining the holiday.

Pedallleur · 15/03/2025 18:44

Nanny0gg · 15/03/2025 18:14

He might want to speak but you don't have to - unless it's civil

He will be spoiling for an argument. Don't engage with him.

GreenCandleWax · 15/03/2025 18:52

Pedallleur · 15/03/2025 18:44

He will be spoiling for an argument. Don't engage with him.

If he arrives in bad mood (likely) - and still thinking he is in the right (!), and starts to spoil things for you and DC, can you ask the hotel to help. Could you explain that you may need to be in a separate room from him, and ask if they can accommodate him separately if the need arises? Worst (or best?) case scenario - if he is objectionable, the hotel may throw him out, and leave you and DC in peace to enjoy the rest of the holiday.

MarvellousMonsters · 15/03/2025 18:54

@AskingForTacos I’m so incredibly proud of you. You’ve just travelled internationally for the first time, with two children in tow, one a toddler. That’s epic, a lot of people wouldn’t do that. You’ve also demonstrated to your DD that your idiot husband behaved unacceptably, and that it shouldn’t be tolerated. You are a fucking legend. Don’t let that utter knob spoil this holiday, when he finally arrives.

LushLemonTart · 15/03/2025 18:59

Hope you manage to enjoy your holiday especially for dcs.

Your dh sounds like a knob.

dapsnotplimsolls · 15/03/2025 19:01

As others have suggested, I'd definitely be asking if there's another room free. For him, of course.

Lollylucyclark101 · 15/03/2025 19:01

AskingForTacos · 14/03/2025 16:07

I’m 32 and have never had a holiday abroad. It’s a combination of things really, growing up I had 2 disabled siblings and it wasn’t practical or financially possible to travel. Had a couple of caravan holidays in the rain but hated them as it unsettled my siblings and everybody was stressed.

Became a single mum at 21 (DD now 11), so once again couldn’t afford holidays. Met DH 4 years ago and we have a 2 year old DS. DH has been well-travelled over the years, but hasn’t had a holiday since meeting me as we’ve been saving up for general life expenses. The end of last year I have a bereavement and became quite sentimental, emotional about my children and general life experiences and sort of had a “grab life by the reins” moment and told DH I wanted to have a sunny family holiday together, and he agreed. We’re both a bit tight and I also don’t cope with overly hot weather (anything above 25 degrees is too much) so have chosen to go in March and set off early this morning. And before anybody asks yes I’m going to pay the fine from DD school.

Flight was with Ryanair. I had a checked bag for mine and the toddler’s stuff, DD had a 10kg carry on. Mine and DD’s bags were full but within guidelines. DH travels light so decided to just take a personal bag and filled it to the brim. He even ordered some sort of zip extension thing from Amazon to make it close more than it naturally should. I’m sure you can see where this is going.

Me, DD and the baby sail through the gate and he gets stopped. I asked, in fact, begged him to just pay the extra charge so we could be on our way, we could afford it. It could’ve just been chalked up a lesson learnt, but no, he had to be a dick about it. He was abusive to staff and called a girl who only looked about 20 a “jobsworth bitch”. At this point, he was told he would not be travelling (rightly so). He changed his tune then and tried to pay the fine but they weren’t having it. It was like an episode of Airline circa 1999. He then started an irritating speech about how it’s disgraceful etc etc and tried to get us all escorted out with him. I initially was going to go with him because I was stressed but DD was absolutely devastated as she’s been looking forward to the holiday for months. She started crying and I decided me and the kids would still go.

We arrived a few hours ago and are settled in our hotel but I’m on edge. I’ve spoken to him on the phone and he thinks I was a cow for leaving him. He’s coming out tomorrow on a different flight (from a different airport...) and I’m dreading it. On the phone he said we should’ve all gone out tomorrow together. It’s only a 7 night holiday and who knows when the next one will be so for me every second counts especially as we wanted a combination of excursions and chilling days in the resort. If we flew out tomorrow we'd only get 2 resort days not to mention paying for all new flights. He’s not physically abusive or anything like that, I’m not scared, I just can’t be arsed listening to the moaning. Was I wrong to go without him?

I would make it clear that if he wants to come out on the next flight, then he doesn’t mention the airport or you going on ahead. Have a nice family holiday and talk about it when you get home. If he does, then I would be off out every day with my children and leave him to his own devices. He would also be sleeping in the sofa when we got home.

he was selfish and abusive and deserved every he got. You and the children shouldn’t have to deal with his stupidity. Totally in the right to go.

dutysuite · 15/03/2025 19:04

Well done you for still going. Would I be separating over it…no of course not. Some of the replies on here are so dramatic.

Rafting2022 · 15/03/2025 19:06

Filing this under some people can’t be helped.

Melonmango70 · 15/03/2025 19:09

You're brave to have gone without him (because you are worried about tomorrows consequences). It will be fine, stick up for yourself. I'm mid 50s and only just starting to stick up for myself (my husband isn't vile, but he's no prince, and often a twat). He's the twat. Just ignore it, act normal, he's a twat and he'll realise that soon enough :)

busymomtoone · 15/03/2025 19:10

Show him these threads. He needs to shape up or ship out. Appalling example to show the children ( and you) and you did absolutely the right thing. He should either arrive tomorrow totally shame faced and apologetic, or not torn up at all. You have ABSOLUTELY nothing to regret - and if this is how he treats people when going on holiday I’d question how good a bet he’s going to be going forward with all the general stresses and strains of life. Please take care of yourself and your precious family. Do NOT cut him any slack over this or he will think he has a pass.

ResumedDeliveryBets · 15/03/2025 19:15

Cling on to the memory your daughter’s face on take off, her enjoying archery with new friends and your little on trying new foods. This is something lovely that needs fiercely protecting.

Do you have a plan/plans for the three of you should he sulk and try and take the edge off your nice time? The “Oh dear, that’s a shame. We’ve booked DD in this fun activity and DS and I are off to watch with an ice cream. Why don’t you use the time to kickback and relax. (Be a miserable fucker in your own company)” approach?

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