To have exposed my son to potential police investigation

[workworkbloodywork]

Long story shortened

My DS 13 was a witness to an assault. He under instruction from another boy filmed it.

I was contacted by the parent of the child who carried out the assault as she was worried about it ending up on social media. I then through a friend found out who the other mother was of the victim and made contact to provide the video to, suggest if she hadn’t already to take him to A&E to be checked out and told her I would be reporting to the police.

I then gave the video evidence to the police and spoke with the officer who has agreed to have an off the record conversation to expose my DS to what the possible implications of this behaviour could lead to.

it appears the child that carried out the assault will likely be charged with GBH and they are counting my son as a witness and he may have to give statements or go to court to testify.

I obviously am very relieved that my son will not face any consequences to recording the footage.

I was concerned that at the beginning of the recording as he was giving it a bravado to the boys threatening a fight, may implicate him however, felt that this could be a very good early life lesson in putting a phone down and helping the victim and choosing better friends in the first instance was worth the risk.

DS is SEN if that’s relevant.

and I can’t stop think if IHBU.

yanbu - yes you should always come forward

yabu - you should have kept quiet and protected your son from potential police investigation

It’s literally in OP’s own post that her son was full of “bravado” while filming the attack.

To be fair, your son could have been hurt intervening, better to either not film or get help.

I'd be less worried about exposing him to a police investigation and more worried about exposing him to the kicking he might get from the perpetrator or his mates

We don't know what was recorded.
If it was the attacker being all "big man" and intimidating but not violence whilst DS egged him on and then when the actually assault began he called him out or if it went from shoving to kicking the shit out of him on the floor

None of the first actions are right but are the kind of stupid shit teenagers do

Her son spoke up when it was clear this was a dangerous and cruel attack

He was also likely scared of the attacker himself, did what he could but was intimidated out of anything more

DS certainly wasn't innocent but he did do lots of the right thing afterwards and that should still be considered. Many teens wouldn't speak to the police and cooperate against a friend

No and the two involved go to different schools so there is nothing the school can do either after a lengthy discussion with the head.

My parenting certainly isn’t this style, hence the stern reaction he got from me, I have often looked at others and wondered how they have this ‘mumma bear’ protective defence for their children and can never see their faults. If anything I struggle to see beyond them.

He wasn’t caught out, the first thing he did when he got in the car when I picked him up was tell me what happened.

My understanding is that it was not a pre arranged fight, they bumped into the victim whilst out and the victim made a verbal threat and they started fighting at that point.

Your son not only was involved in this attack, he degraded the victim by filming his assault and shame.

Disgusting. You are disgustingly downplaying your son’s part in this.

My thoughts are with the poor child who was attacked and degraded. Not with your perp of a son, SEN or not. 🙄

So when exactly was your son coerced into filming it?

I’d be sitting down and watching Adolescence on Netflix with him. Make him see how easily things can escalate and lives be changed.

Don't do this too much OP. He seems to live in an online world, not the real one, as do a lot (most?) kids these days.

'Over protected in the real world and under protected online' is becoming a huge issue with teens.

How bad were the injuries if they're going for GBH???

I am not like many of these who want to condemn him
And the fact he immediently told you is just another point for him. He didn't try and hide this. He told an adult who could then escalate appropriately

Yes, he may have egged on at the start but he definitely did things right after, probably when he felt safer to do so without the threatening influence

Don't listen to those saying you're downplaying it. You aren't. You are well aware he did something bad but also acknowledging he did the right things later

Punish and condemn him as being as bad as the attacker when he spoke up and you'll make him not want to speak up again. He'll feel he's in trouble either way so if he lies/covers up at least he might get away with it.

He's not an angel but no 13 year old is. We should recognise that he did make good choices later which many teens wouldn't

I think considering your son videoed the incident and threatened to fight too, he's been extremely lucky.

I feel you did exactly the right thing because GBH is serious and the investigation likely would have identified the filming and had he not come forward or God forbid had shared it he might be facing charges himself.

You've protected him from himself, you've held him accountable and he's been given a valuable lesson. You sound like a phenomenal mother, you risked his comfort to help him grow into a better person. Accountability matters. He knows that now and that even when he does wrong that you will continue to love him, and support him in correcting his mistakes. Best of luck to you both and wishing the victim a speedy recovery

Yes definitely this, I agree.

SEN would be significant if your child has an intellectual disability, but not so much if he has e.g. autism without the additional intellectual disability. The intellectual disability is significant because it would reduce his capacity for awareness of what was occurring, as well as their criminal nature.

I'm never happy to hear about children being incarcerated and I'm glad that he won't be charged, but I think there is still significant work that needs to be done with this child. I'd honestly suggest a therapist, but a couple of key questions you could ask your son might be:

1. Why was he hanging out with people who engage in violence? It seems like there's a hierarchy in the group - are these the kind of friendships he wants to have?
2. Where did he get the idea that hurting others was 'funny' or 'cool'?
3. Does he have empathy for the victim? Why/why not?
4. Why would he not repeat his actions? Is it just because he doesn't want to be jailed, or is it because he feels remorse for what he did, and feels bad for the victim?
5. Genuinely, was he coerced into filming/felt forced into it, or did he do it of his own volition? I feel that this is a significant question, because if he felt coerced into it this is far less worrying than if he did it because he was genuinely enjoying what happened.

What he did doesn't reflect on you as a parent - however, how you react to it does. I've got my fingers crossed for you both - you can use this as a learning opportunity, and I'm sure you'll do a fantastic job.

From someone in the police - your DS has got away with this by the skin of his teeth, the fact he told you and assisted police after does not negate his ‘bravado’ on film at the time and he could quite easily have been considered complicit, especially if it was a 2 on 1 situation.
GBH is one step down from manslaughter, it’s a very serious offence and the attack must have left the victim with some awful and possibly long term injuries. I really hope he is ok both physically and mentally.

I don’t think you should even need to ask if YABU.

This is complicated in ways your son might not be able to understand.

• you lose control of what you're reporting as soon as you involve the police. It isn't necessarily safe to hope a police officer will tell a teenager off informally and leave it at that. Crimestoppers is worth considering in the future if you have evidence you wish to share anonymously.

• trying to physically stop a fight may or may not be a sensible thing to do - trying to weigh everything up in the moment is hard for most adults. Self defence lessons might help or might complicate.

• videoing an assault creates evidence of it (yes, even if the filming is done with bad intent). If he chooses to film he must quietly film (no matter what he thinks) and mustn't share the footage without your agreement. Filming a fight between friends may get everybody into a lot more trouble than if there is plausible deniability. So film if it looks too dangerous to try to stop / to get pictures of the people doing it. Actually maybe better for him would be to start a video call with you / someone else trusted, so you can help him in the moment. (I don't know how to but I imagine you can record what you're seeing on the call your end). But also remember that safest may be running away / hiding and he needs to prioritise his own physical safety before filming / phoning anybody.

• school should be helping - PSHE with avoiding exploitative relationships with peers.

OP you did the right thing even if taking the video,to the police risked your DS being regarded as culpable. It sounds like due to his SEN learning to navigate the world is harder for him than other young people of his age (which is hard enough) and this has been brought into sharp focus with this incident. Can you ask the SENCO for advice on how to help your DS to understand the seriousness of what he did (moral development) but also to acknowledge he did right to try and stop it; and how to help him to find nicer friends so he’s less vulnerable to manipulation. I hope the assaulted child is OK. And somethings gone very wrong with a teenager who hurts other kids.

Most of the people filling our prisons have special educational needs.

What crimes will they have committed to have been sent to prison?

If your son has SEN does he understand enough to act in a correct way, perhaps he was too scared.

Hrft but sounds like attacker is grooming your son, maybe that needs to come into the convo.

What’s happened has happened. It can’t be undone. If every child who’s fucked up was abandoned by parents who could no longer “look at them” the world would be a more violent place, not a better one. There is far more value in the op working with her son to find a way to make this right as best he can. Those are lessons he can take into the future.

as for not intervening, I’d hazard a guess that a lot of posters who say they’d intervene actually wouldn’t. In a violent situation your fight/flight/freeze instinct kicks in and many people just freeze. Many more don’t intervene out of fear of becoming hurt themselves - and that’s adults, not a 13-year-old with SEN.