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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have exposed my son to potential police investigation

126 replies

workworkbloodywork · 14/03/2025 11:48

Long story shortened

My DS 13 was a witness to an assault. He under instruction from another boy filmed it.

I was contacted by the parent of the child who carried out the assault as she was worried about it ending up on social media. I then through a friend found out who the other mother was of the victim and made contact to provide the video to, suggest if she hadn’t already to take him to A&E to be checked out and told her I would be reporting to the police.

I then gave the video evidence to the police and spoke with the officer who has agreed to have an off the record conversation to expose my DS to what the possible implications of this behaviour could lead to.

it appears the child that carried out the assault will likely be charged with GBH and they are counting my son as a witness and he may have to give statements or go to court to testify.

I obviously am very relieved that my son will not face any consequences to recording the footage.

I was concerned that at the beginning of the recording as he was giving it a bravado to the boys threatening a fight, may implicate him however, felt that this could be a very good early life lesson in putting a phone down and helping the victim and choosing better friends in the first instance was worth the risk.

DS is SEN if that’s relevant.

and I can’t stop think if IHBU.

yanbu - yes you should always come forward

yabu - you should have kept quiet and protected your son from potential police investigation

OP posts:
Doingmybestbut · 14/03/2025 13:47

You’ve done the right thing, unlike the first mother who contacted you.

NiftyKoala · 14/03/2025 13:48

LeopardPants · 14/03/2025 11:52

You have done the right thing IMO well done

Absolutely you did exactly the right thing

PrincessScarlett · 14/03/2025 13:49

Why is the victim's mother thanking your son? For giving evidence against the attacker? Does she know he was encouraging the attack at one point? I'd feel pretty uncomfortable about that to OP. Particularly as many other mothers in that situation would be asking for your DS to be charged as well.

Happystrider1 · 14/03/2025 13:50

YANBU, he has hopefully learned an important lesson. Standing there and allowing someone to be assaulted isn't right regardless and I am not sure that jumping to the SEN discussion absolves him of any blame. He I am guessing knows right from wrong.

I was in a group as a teenager that was jumped on by a gang of other teenagers from a different school. It was absolutely terrifying and items were stolen from a friend. Turned out they'd done it to a few other groups from our school. We all had to go down to the police station to look at line ups. I never saw their faces so wasn't any use. Had another child filmed it I would absolutely have hoped there was a parent like you that would hand the footage in.

Agapornis · 14/03/2025 13:51

Please do as much as you can to make him more streetwise. As someone with SEN who is clearly easily influenced, he's a sitting duck for county lines and, if he ever has his own place, cuckooing.

Original poster
workworkbloodywork · 14/03/2025 13:52

TenderChicken · 14/03/2025 13:08

Did the victim and his family want to contact the police? You seem to have escalated the situation without stating whether the family wanted this or not, and now you've exposed everyones else's child to the system but want to keep yours out of it?

Yes after I said that I was going to report it she said that they had just done it and gave me the reference number to give the supporting evidence to. I had sent the videos to her as well so wasn’t sure if I should have just left it to her to submit the evidence or if I should do it.

OP posts:
Hankunamatata · 14/03/2025 13:55

Iv sen kids and Iv stopped them taking phones to school because of issues of videoing. My dc are extremely vulnerable to suggestion.
Well done for coming forward.

Floppyelf · 14/03/2025 13:56

workworkbloodywork · 14/03/2025 11:48

Long story shortened

My DS 13 was a witness to an assault. He under instruction from another boy filmed it.

I was contacted by the parent of the child who carried out the assault as she was worried about it ending up on social media. I then through a friend found out who the other mother was of the victim and made contact to provide the video to, suggest if she hadn’t already to take him to A&E to be checked out and told her I would be reporting to the police.

I then gave the video evidence to the police and spoke with the officer who has agreed to have an off the record conversation to expose my DS to what the possible implications of this behaviour could lead to.

it appears the child that carried out the assault will likely be charged with GBH and they are counting my son as a witness and he may have to give statements or go to court to testify.

I obviously am very relieved that my son will not face any consequences to recording the footage.

I was concerned that at the beginning of the recording as he was giving it a bravado to the boys threatening a fight, may implicate him however, felt that this could be a very good early life lesson in putting a phone down and helping the victim and choosing better friends in the first instance was worth the risk.

DS is SEN if that’s relevant.

and I can’t stop think if IHBU.

yanbu - yes you should always come forward

yabu - you should have kept quiet and protected your son from potential police investigation

YOU ARE AN AMAZING MOTHER! Well done! This lesson hopefully will scare the shit out of your DS. If anything as a former PC we don’t want members of the public to be involved but rather call the police etc but hopefully this will teach him not to get involved with bad seeds.

TheClawDecides · 14/03/2025 13:57

I'd find it difficult to look at my son after this and I'm shocked you're asking if you were unreasonable.

You need to go through his phone and his social media to find out how many other times he's taken part in such despicable acts.

Floppyelf · 14/03/2025 14:00

TenderChicken · 14/03/2025 13:08

Did the victim and his family want to contact the police? You seem to have escalated the situation without stating whether the family wanted this or not, and now you've exposed everyones else's child to the system but want to keep yours out of it?

F off. The op @workworkbloodywork did the right thing. Whether the victim wanted to contact the police is irrelevant. She found that a crime has happened, has been recorded/evidenced and bought the evidence to the police. You can take your anti police….

Original poster
workworkbloodywork · 14/03/2025 14:05

He is rarely allowed out, we’ve just started allowing him a little time out alone, we have trackers on him but i thought how else is he going to learn how to deal with the world as he grows up if he isn’t allowed an opportunity to be independent.
I’m questioning my own judgement on this now and how I deal with allowing him to grow up and also protect him from be used by others in future.

OP posts:
JandamiHash · 14/03/2025 14:05

You’ve absolutely done the right thing OP. And hopefully your DS has learnt a tough lesson.

I think people need to be aware that teens aren’t perfect, look old but anre still quite emotionally immature and the ease of which vulnerable ones are led astray is pretty shocking. I have a DD who is 11 and is scarily under the thumb of a questionable “friend” who she is scared of and I’ve had to warn her about getting involved in stuff like this.

FallOfTheHouseOfUtterlyButterly · 14/03/2025 14:13

You did the right thing

But please don't feel bad he didn't physically try and stop the assault. He could have ended up seriously injured himself too. He could have tried to ring the police discreetly but filming and telling them to stop, so he evidence, wasn't terrible IF he hadn't also encouraged them and had gone to the police himself

He was also smart enough to co-operate with the police and be truthful, there are kids who would have denied it and been uncooperative. The fact he did at least do the right thing after will have counted in his favour with the police.

oakleaffy · 14/03/2025 14:20

CaptainFuture · 14/03/2025 11:52

Of course you should come forward. Re the attackers mother, was she concerned about the victim at all, or just that there was evidence her child is violent and aggressive and it being shown on social media?
I was contacted by the parent of the child who carried out the assault as she was worried about it ending up on social media

Sounds like the violent aggressor’s mother was only concerned about her own aggressive child.

GBH is very serious.

I hope the victim recovers emotionally and physically.

PrincessScarlett · 14/03/2025 14:23

workworkbloodywork · 14/03/2025 14:05

He is rarely allowed out, we’ve just started allowing him a little time out alone, we have trackers on him but i thought how else is he going to learn how to deal with the world as he grows up if he isn’t allowed an opportunity to be independent.
I’m questioning my own judgement on this now and how I deal with allowing him to grow up and also protect him from be used by others in future.

It's so difficult isn't it. I think maybe the fact he's only just started going out alone at the age of 13 means that he's a couple of years behind his peers in being streetwise. Where I live it tends to be 10-11 years when kids start being allowed out alone to get the used to the transition to secondary school.

I get that your son is ND which might be why you held off letting him out alone. Unfortunately he's picked the wrong person to want to be friends with. Or maybe he did pick him on purpose thinking that if he was friends with a bully then he would have some form of protection 🤷🏻‍♀️

You can't stop him going out as he needs to learn how to navigate the world. Does he have any nice friends he can hang out with?

NautilusLionfish · 14/03/2025 14:27

Josiezu · 14/03/2025 12:04

Your son was involved in an attack and egged it on while filming it, for god sake at least stop trying to downplay that.

We have no proof ge egged the attacker on. Op says attacker instructed him to film. Most likely her ds was scared. He is only 13 ffs.

Op I think you did a hard and brave, honourable thing. Hopefully your son has learned his lesson.

Lovelysausagedogscrumpy · 14/03/2025 14:29

Dotjones · 14/03/2025 11:58

Unless I've misunderstood, your son hasn't done anything wrong. It's not illegal to film an assault. What's done with the footage like sharing it or posting it online may be a crime but the act of recording it isn't a problem. It actually can help the police investigate the attack.

It really depends on whether the filming could be deemed part of the attack.

Lovelysausagedogscrumpy · 14/03/2025 14:32

TheClawDecides · 14/03/2025 13:57

I'd find it difficult to look at my son after this and I'm shocked you're asking if you were unreasonable.

You need to go through his phone and his social media to find out how many other times he's taken part in such despicable acts.

And you need to back off. OP has already stated her son is SEN and that he was ‘under the instruction’ of another child to film it - I read that as being bullied. OP did exactly the right thing and this incident will hopefully have highlighted the dangers of getting involved with things like this to her son.

TheClawDecides · 14/03/2025 14:33

I was concerned that at the beginning of the recording as he was giving it a bravado to the boys threatening a fight, may implicate him however, felt that this could be a very good early life lesson in putting a phone down and helping the victim and choosing better friends in the first instance was worth the risk.

In what way was he 'giving it bravado'?

TheClawDecides · 14/03/2025 14:35

Lovelysausagedogscrumpy · 14/03/2025 14:32

And you need to back off. OP has already stated her son is SEN and that he was ‘under the instruction’ of another child to film it - I read that as being bullied. OP did exactly the right thing and this incident will hopefully have highlighted the dangers of getting involved with things like this to her son.

Show quote history

'Back off'? You sound like one of the kids in the playground 😳

The OP would do well to look into her son's social media and other videos on his phone, whether you think so or not.

Lovelysausagedogscrumpy · 14/03/2025 14:37

Being SEN leaves him vulnerable to this kind of thing. so of course it’s relevant. If he was filming on the ‘instruction’ of another child then he was likely being bullied. What would you have had him do, given that any involvement would likely have ended in him being beaten too?

oakleaffy · 14/03/2025 14:40

TheClawDecides · 14/03/2025 14:35

'Back off'? You sound like one of the kids in the playground 😳

The OP would do well to look into her son's social media and other videos on his phone, whether you think so or not.

Show quote history

Agreed- especially if he was verbally encouraging the attack.

SEN isn’t a carte blanche for being excused in these aggressive acts.

The victim would have hoped that someone came to his aid, not stood there bawling encouragement and filming the attack.

Far higher quality friends needed who have good morals.

Moonnstars · 14/03/2025 14:43

Yes you were absolutely right to come forward. Think about if it had been the other way round and your son was the victim. Surely you would want anyone with information to help.

Lovelysausagedogscrumpy · 14/03/2025 14:45

TheClawDecides · 14/03/2025 14:35

'Back off'? You sound like one of the kids in the playground 😳

The OP would do well to look into her son's social media and other videos on his phone, whether you think so or not.

Show quote history

Are you this unpleasant in real life or is this an online persona ? I said back off because that’s what I meant - sorry if the terminology doesn’t suit you. Her son is SEN and was likely bullied into filming it. It doesn’t mean that he willingly took part, so where does ‘finding it difficult to look at him’ come in ? And it doesn’t mean that OP should treat him like a criminal and demand to scrutinise his phone when she could just ask him if anything like this has happened before and stress the importance of telling the truth. He’s clearly had a shock at the repercussions of this and I would think OP knows her own son better than randoms on the internet.

Whatafustercluck · 14/03/2025 14:46

My ds has adhd, which makes him prone to impulsive behaviour, so explaining things like joint enterprise in really clear terms is hugely important because he doesn't always think through consequences before acting. He knows, and fully accepts, that if there is a victim and he has any kind of involvement, we expect him to take full responsibility for any part he plays in that, including informing the police. If he stood there and filmed an assault, we would be informing the police. You have done the right thing, op.