To have exposed my son to potential police investigation

[workworkbloodywork]

Long story shortened

My DS 13 was a witness to an assault. He under instruction from another boy filmed it.

I was contacted by the parent of the child who carried out the assault as she was worried about it ending up on social media. I then through a friend found out who the other mother was of the victim and made contact to provide the video to, suggest if she hadn’t already to take him to A&E to be checked out and told her I would be reporting to the police.

I then gave the video evidence to the police and spoke with the officer who has agreed to have an off the record conversation to expose my DS to what the possible implications of this behaviour could lead to.

it appears the child that carried out the assault will likely be charged with GBH and they are counting my son as a witness and he may have to give statements or go to court to testify.

I obviously am very relieved that my son will not face any consequences to recording the footage.

I was concerned that at the beginning of the recording as he was giving it a bravado to the boys threatening a fight, may implicate him however, felt that this could be a very good early life lesson in putting a phone down and helping the victim and choosing better friends in the first instance was worth the risk.

DS is SEN if that’s relevant.

and I can’t stop think if IHBU.

yanbu - yes you should always come forward

yabu - you should have kept quiet and protected your son from potential police investigation

I hope the attacker is expelled - was it done on school premises?
My DS is year 8 and has ASD/ADHD, he doesn't go out alone or with friends except in controlled situations for that reason. Thankfully his friendship group are all good children and look out for each other but DS does get bullied, albeit he's very tall and strong so currently not an easy target. He doesn't fight back though when provoked which causes us issues and the school won't tolerate retaliation so he's has some retribution albeit the school always downgrade it due to his ND issues.
Hopefully your child and this horrible kid will be physically separated by school or in other ways if the boy is sent to another school

Where does OP say that he was ‘bawling encouragement’ ? She said that after reviewing the footage the police were of the opinion that he hadn’t done anything wrong. OP herself said that at the beginning of the video what her son was saying amounted to asking what was happening and then shouting at the attacker to stop, and being told to shut up. OP says her son is only recently allowed out alone and has trackers on him, so I’d say the level of SEN is very relevant here - it renders him vulnerable to bullying and manipulation, which seems to be what’s happened here. OP’s handled it really well, and still some posters insist on piling on.

OP didn’t say he was encouraging it. She said at the start of the video he was asking questions about what was happening, and then shouting at the attacker to stop. The police agreed he’d done nothing wrong so what would they charge him with. Particularly in light of what sounds like pretty significant SEN.

This.

The level of SEN is of course relevant.

If he actually needs trackers and is rarely allowed to be alone then he is vulnerable and could also be classed as a victim in this.

If the SEN is being played up by OP, then he is a little shit who should be getting in serious trouble. Imo as much trouble as the attacker.

It depends how truthful OP is being regarding his needs.

I would think OP knows her own son better than randoms on the internet.

Well yes, quite.

And yet here you are, banging on as though you know him.

No matter what lead to him standing by, watching a vicious attack and videoing it, the OP still needs to go through his phone and social media to see if he has done this before.

This was my number 1 reason for coming forward.

Number 2 was hoping that it would be a teachable moment for my son and the importance of making the right kind of friends.

GBH means serious physical injury. He'd have to have an extreme level of SEN not to realise that sort of thing isn't OK.

He told the attacker to stop and cooperated with the police

He knew it was going too far and was wrong

I don't like the way your son said the aggressor should stop as he'd "done enough".
What is enough? Who gets to decide what is enough? It does rather imply that he thought "some" aggression was warranted and that is concerning.

Of course you've done they right thing by informing the police but your son is not a hero in this and I don't understand why you are being praised here. You did what is expected of any reasonable citizen. To do less would be appalling.

Maybe you should have warned your DC not to get involved in these situations in the first place and that's esp important if your DC have additional needs (as does one of mine).

Given that last year an elderly man was filmed being beaten by a teenager, leading to the man’s death I think you did the right thing.
Teenagers need to learn that assault is wrong and filming assaults is also wrong.
The case I mention has meant the aggressor has been charged with murder and the girl filming charged for manslaughter.
The charges are reasonable imo and I hope the punishment fits the crime.

Tbh if the police says it’s at the level GBH, then it was a BAD assault that needed to be reported.

It’s crazy that the perpetrator was worried it would go on SM but not to the Police….

You did the right thing.

Your DS needs some strong input now from you. Mine would lose his phone for a while and that would be the start. He must understand now that filming an assault as part of that attack, as opposed to doing it covertly to gather evidence, is very wrong.

Also your ds migut well find being a witness really uncomfortable. Because he might well be asked why he carried on filming and didn’t step in to stop the assault.
And maybe I’m harsh, but I think that will a really good lesson for him too.

Now, assuming everyone goes to the same school, I think you need to make the school aware and triple check your ds won’t get bullied/attacked because of the reporting to the Police.

My son had a minor run-in with the police in his teens. I can't express how much it set him on the right path and made him hyper aware of the difference between right and wrong. You did the right thing, you are supporting him, and the victim's family and showing your son how to make better choices. It's grim. I feel for you. But it could be a brilliant early lesson.

you’ve done the right thing and you are teaching your DS to do the right thing too

That must be so hard, I would be so so disappointed if my son filmed an assault, I certainly wouldn’t feel comfortable with anyone thanking him or acting like a hero, it’s a very disturbing thing to actually film an assault, makes my stomach turn, I hope the police have a stern word with him, imagine if it was your child being filmed?

YADNBU

Ive just, this afternoon had a conversation with my friend about this topic. We were talking about the new Stephen Graham tv series on Netflix’s and whether she should watch it with her 11yo DS. I watched it last night and it’s very hard hitting but absolutely relevant given the world we live in. It shows how easily things can escalate and the consequences of many of todays adolescents behaviours.

You have done the right thing here and your DS will hopefully be great-full for this very important life lesson.

I don’t know why you’re getting a hard time about the SEN issue. I know a number of 13yo boys with SEN, I also know the worries their parents have with giving them independence to do normal 13yo boy things like hang out with their friends and worries about negative influences and being unable to read social situations. One of these mums has involved the police with her DS for very similar reasons as you have, he’s done nothing wrong but was being negatively led by other boys and could have quite easily been put into a situation like this.

well done op.

It had gone too far right from the very start but the OP's son was OK with that. He didn't have a problem with much of the attack.

The OP said her son was giving it bravado at the start of the fight. What's that if not encouraging it? He wasn't asking questions about what was happening he was egging on his violent mate. He later on in the assault told the attacker to stop but then shut up when told to. He carried on filming and never intervened. He knew what was happening the entire time and was OK with most of it. He's only been caught out because the other mums spoke to the OP.

You did the right thing but I wouldn’t feel confident that this is the end of it for your son. If it’s a GBH then it’ll likely go to CPS and I imagine they’ll want your son to be arrested for the part he played.

Although I like to think that intervention is the right thing to do, there are times it isn’t. Too many times good Samaritans have had the attacker turn on them, in many cases resulting in serious injury or death. You just have to do a few Google searches to see this.

My own DB was once attacked after he intervened when seeing a man beating a woman up. Not only did the man turn on my DB but the woman did too.

I’ve always told my DDs to never get involved, yes look after and make sure the victim is ok, get help, try and deescalate if possible, but never put themselves at risk. It might be selfish, but I don’t ever want a call to say one of my DDs has been attacked for helping someone else.

It depends...
If he was recruited to film the attack by the attackers, and had knowledge that the attack was going to take place (and it rather sounds from the OP that he did), then it's very much illegal.
That's called "joint enterprise". As an adult, if the victim had died, then the OPs son would have faced very serious charges. Probably as far as manslaughter/second-degree murder.

Well done to the OP for doing the right thing. Her son needs to understand that behaviour like this is potentially life-ruiningly serious.

If more parents parented we wouldn’t be seeing these things so often . Kids will make mistakes - it’s holding them to account and showing them the consequences of their actions that helps mold them into better people.

Whilst I can understand the thinking here, this is really not the best way forward when there is SEN involved.

My son was questioned by the police last year for a very minor incident - despite flagging his significant and complex MH needs, the police thought that trying to 'scare' him a little would act as a deterrent. Instead, my son ran away that evening and tried to take his own life, with significant and long term consequences.

Kids absolutely need to understand what they have done wrong but in my son's case 'scaring the living shit out of him' almost cost him his life.