My trauma has become my personality and self - that's part of the problem with actual trauma from abuse and neglect. Left untreated, it does absolutely become part of who you are. Uncontrollably. That's why it's an illness.
I have panic attacks over nothing - I'm not a worrier, I won't be worried about a god damn thing, but I'll still have panic attacks and the physical symptoms and feelings of anxiety attacks where there is absolutely nothing wrong. I'll dissociate randomly too, lose whole days, feel like I'm living in a dream world and losing my grip on reality.
Not because anything has happened, but because cause my brain chemistry is now fucked. A whole childhood and most of adulthood living in fight or flight mode has messed up how my brain operates.
I can't control it. It is happening in my brain, but I can't just stop it happening. It's not a choice. I live a very gentle, nice, secure and safe life now... But I'll still wake up with night terrors and panic attacks.
I'm in treatment for it, and have been told it can be reversed but will take actually participating in the psychodynamic therapy and a lot of time. I've had many rounds of CBT before which havnt done anything ... Because it's not a problem with how I'm thinking. I'll think and feel perfectly safe, but somewhere subconscious in my brain thinks otherwise apparently. It's too engrained, it's how my brain as been moulded.
It's still my parents fault. They can't fix it for me, that's up to me and my doctors, but it's still their fault.
And possibly undiagnosed autism maybe but we don't know yet, havnt been assessed yet, but it's been asserted by my medical professionals that I could be autistic. So that on top of abusive and neglectful parents.