To think that if you’re over 30 and still blaming your parents for everything, it’s time to grow up?

[DenimHare]

At some point, your trauma isn’t your parents fault anymore - it’s just your personality.

Hmmm... I used to think this until I came on MN and saw what terrible parents some had.
I had decent parents.

Agreed.

Depends -

Is the trauma not being bought a pony when you were 10, or being horrifically abused/neglected?

The latter will most certainly shape a persons personality, how that pans out is very individual but also very much at the feet of the parents.

Or there behaviour effected you so deeply it caused long term trauma. Your experience isn't everyone's experience 🤷‍♀️

Took me until I was over 30 to deal with the issues left by my parents.

You can't put a time limit on dealing with daily violence and serious abuse. Well I mean you can, but it makes you very unpleasant.

Is this just an opinion you've conjured up this morning or do you have in-depth knowledge and/or experience of working with people who have trauma from their childhoods?
Who are you to judge?

I have a friend who is a shopaholic and blames it on her parents. That I find ridiculous.
But there are also people who have been physically and sexually abused. Like Ruth Ellis.

Ahh, what a privileged position to be in, to just think people can 'get over' stuff.
Some people do make it their personality, yes.
Some people have yet to connect the dots between the way they act, think and feel and their childhood.
Some people are doing their hardest to make positive changes to move on.
People are complex and it's not a binary spectrum of 'whinging over nothing, just get over yourself' and 'anyone with a mental health issue has no control over how they think or act, how dare you'
Neither of these attitudes help people actually recover.

Depends what the parents were like and other circumstances. But I agree you can’t keep blaming parents for everything after childhood once an adult, you do need to start taking responsibility for your own life and decisions.

So i presume people posting on here are prepared for their children to keep on blaming them?

I agree that there are some people out there who are always looking to blame someone else for their issues/life outcome rather than taking responsibility themselves.

However I am not sure responsibility for giving your kids an awful childhood has an expiry date. Some people suffer absolutely awful trauma as a consequence of their parents behaviour during their childhood. Maybe think about that rather than just sweeping generalisations.

I think long term effects are possible. I have an inability to form attachments due to loss of family through death, divorce and abuse. But blame is different. Move on. Grow up. It's who I am now.

The damage is just part of you. We all have damage. Either leave the blame in the past or give up on the relationship. Beating parents/family around the head with it verbally/behaviourally forever is a bit pathetic as an older (e.g. over 30) adult.

It doesn't really matter how awful your parents were at some point you need to say that was then and this is now. I can let my past ruin my life or I can choose to move on and make a successful life. So yes I totally agree. It can be done.

No, we've just done things completely differently from our parents.

What happened to me was not my fault.

But dealing with it now is my responsibility.

If i was physically abusive to my children, mentally tortured them and starved them then I absolutely wouldn't expect them to be "over it" by a set age.

It’s just my perspective - people are free to disagree.

Agreed. There shouldn't be an arbitrary age on it as the OP has stated though

I don't blame my parents for their lack of parenting but I struggle to feel connected now to my much older siblings as they were too busy living their lives and pretty much ignored me too. Now they're older and need me to help them it just doesn't come to me as second nature to do so.
I

Exactly. If you're 50 and still bringing it up with your mum/dad, it's a bit sad.

And we seem to be very prone as a generation to NOT consider that our kids will have equal complaints/problems about their upbringing that we have with our parents.

I do think attitudes and impulses regarding money are hugely formed in childhood. It can be changed, but it's quite like personality and morals where it is very much shaped in childhood.

So you're making totally different mistakes. Have no doubt, you kids will claim damage of some type. Do you want to pay for it, forever? Because that is the example you're setting your children.

Well the trauma would still be your parents fault but you would be responsible for not seeking therapy/working on healing.

She's 54. I knew her parents very well. They were neither shopaholics nor skinflints. Pretty normal. I think some things you need to take responsibility for.

I think some people have horrific childhoods that scar them for life. Others have very challenging upbringings that lead to difficulties with certain aspects of adult life. However there also appears to be a bit of a trend for picking over the minutiae of parental behaviour, highlighting every error or flaw and using it assume a victim status that is often exaggerated and unhelpful.