To think that if you’re over 30 and still blaming your parents for everything, it’s time to grow up?

[DenimHare]

At some point, your trauma isn’t your parents fault anymore - it’s just your personality.

It really depends on the parents and what they did but I can tell by your comment that you had good ones.

Have you read much of the relationship forum? People who are 30+ don’t always accept that they were abused and still being abused by their parents. They tell their story and seem genuinely shocked when people don’t say that they are awful daughters to their parents but the opposite. Or they miss their parents when they are horrible people who shouldn’t have the privilege of contact with their child, spouse and grandchildren. Assuming that people who are 30+ aren’t being abused by their parents because they don’t live at home is simplistic and proof that your parents are good and didn’t abuse you. A common thread is a poster talking about their sibling and sibling’s children being the favoured ones. The poster is old enough to act on that info but it is understandable that they complain about their child being less favoured status because they are. That’s a difficult one to overcome too- especially if unaware of the reality until well into parenthood.

I suspect that you can’t heal from some traumas. I’m giving an extreme one here but if my parent drunk drove (acceptable in the past ) and killed my other parent or a loved sibling then I’d expect to feel that loss as well as mixed feelings towards the other parent indefinitely. If that parent was like my mum and unable to discuss emotions and be truthful, it would be even harder to move on.

If you mean something silly like they didn’t buy a new car for a 17th birthday when they were rich and the teen had to save themself then obviously that person needs to get over themselves.

To an extent

My mum and sd were really awful to me.I focus on dealing with that but not using it to justify behaving like a twat now I'm in my 30s

I still behave like a reasonable adult, treat people with respect, try to be a decent mum etc, whilst dealing with the trauma

I feel like if someone was a complete dick and just shitty, and then tried blaming their parents, I'd tell them to grow up

This, exactly. By the time I'd battled through my childhood, teens and twenties which were awful, I was full on into getting married and having babies, and then when I was about 45 I started to take stock. I had some counselling which confirmed that what I had experienced was very far from normal and that's when I started to rage internally at the way I had been abused. I was also very sad, because I was such a lovely little girl who just loved education and animals and things could have been so different if I'd had normal parents.

I'm 52 now. I'm too old to rewrite my life but I do now realise that I actually have some worth. Both my parents are dead so there's noone to be angry with, but I am furious at some of the positions I was put in and the things they did and said to me even now. I am perfectly entitled to feel like this - noone gets to dictate how long damage lasts and I'll probably take this anger to my grave.

The saying 'It takes the rest of your life to get over your childhood' is unfortunately very true for a lot of people.

Also, why 30? Is that the magic age to get over severe neglect? I wish I'd know that, I'd have grown up and got over it 30 years ago 🙄

I think it depends but is certainly possible.

If you grew up with parents that resolved conflict by screaming at eachother, it may only be in your 30s once you're married and possibly have kids watching your behaviour you realise how wrong that is and decide to change.

I think some issues should be let go of "if my mum had let me play football more, I'd be Ronaldo" once you're in your 30s. But I do think "nurture" has a lot to answer for.

I met my husband when he was 29 (I was 26) and he'd revert back to being a teenager around his parents doing everything they wanted so I can see it happening with more severe issues well into peoples 30s. His dad actually was really receptive to polite push back or alternative suggestions and it shocked my husband that he was and their relationship is better for it. It was so ingrained in him from childhood that "what dad said, goes" even when financially his dad wasn't in control of the situation at hand. His dad always overly pressured him when he was younger to be a certain way and it took for us to meet (in his 30s mostly) for him to recognise he wasn't being authentic to himself and is now comfortable in his own skin and we have a great relationship with his parents, which includes boundaries. I don't think it's so black and white.

This is an interesting one to me as I was an OW child who has grown into an adult who thinks a great deal more about food and weight than I should. This is directly as a result of the misery I suffered as an OW child. My mother never ever made my weight an issue. She didn't need to. The other kids and society in general taught me it was something to be ashamed of. If I'm honest, I think she should have addressed it, but had she done so I could equally have blamed my preoccupation with weight on her restricting my food and 'fat shaming' me. Where weight is concerned any parental approach leaves you wide open to criticism, when in reality, parental influence is just one part of the many messages we recieve that form our attitude to food and our bodies.

Ah that old chestnut. Well done on recognising their behaviour. Shame other parent hasn't.

I’m 50 with postgrad qualifications and a good career and I can still hear my mothers voice in my head telling me I’m not pretty enough, not slim enough, that no boy would fancy me, that I’m nothing special and why are my friends calling me - don’t they have their own family to talk to. Then when I was in an abusive relationship with my then husband it was all about how she felt sorry for him having to live with me, how I’m useless and not a proper woman because I couldn’t have kids. She’s been dead for over a decade but that voice is still there when I’m feeling vulnerable - like now after the vitriol I’ve read about NHSE staff (I’m one of them) in the last couple of days. If I was more robust I’d be able to shake off the feelings that I’m useless, incompetent, waste of money etc and acknowledge what people tell me. But I can’t. It’s the same with relationships now. As soon as I meet someone I find attractive, as happened recently, and who friends say feels the same way about me, instead of believing them I near her voice again telling me that why would a man like that (good looking, academic, professional) fancy me.
I knkw it’s my responsibility to deal with it, and I do and I don’t burden my friends with these thoughts and am not needy or anything, but they are there. Always.

I think that the majority of us were raised in a time of relative stability and prosperity, so that it's easier to scrutinise our parents decision making.

But equally many of our parents had us before they were 30 and when they were still adjusting to being adults and processing the behaviour and decisions of their own parents.

It's your writing style that I find revolting, not the making of mistakes.

I have an excellent relationship with my sons, they are now 15 and 17 and we discuss this exact matter regularly. They have seen the effects of an abusive childhood first hand and I frequently consult them about their feelings. I won't have got everything right, but I haven't starved them, criticised their weight daily, left them without clothes or underwear, stopped them from heating water to wash with, hit them on a regular basis or condoned the 50+ year old neighbour grooming them and sexually abusing them. I take an interest in their education and encourage them rather than calling them stupid. They have done whatever extra curricular took their fancy rather than having things cancelled because their parent couldn't see the point of it, even if I enjoyed it. I also haven't married a man twice my age or forced them into being a young carer before they left primary school. And there's a whole raft of things that I had to deal with that I haven't included here.

So, yes I've probably made mistakes, but none so far that the kids have mentioned and I frequently ask them their thoughts, telling them that I don't want them to think about me in the same way I thought of their granny. I have broken the cycle of crap parenting and I'm bloody proud of myself for that. It may be too late for me buy I intend to make damn sure my lkids know they're loved, supported and I have their backs for life.

@stclementine you need to know it's her who was damaged not you. I hope you can heal. Be kind to yourself. Have you tried meditating and visualising the child that was you and talking to them? Nurturing that child. Might help? Best wishes ❤️

I had a very difficult childhood and blamed my parents for years. But one day, I stopped and considered my mother's childhood. Which was horrific. It'd be outing to list what she went through here so I won't. Suffice to say huge neglect, physical & emotional abuse, no parental love.

No counselling for her. No understanding husband (he left her). Living on the poverty line. DV from 2nd husband.

No wonder she didn't have the tools to bring me up carefully, lovingly or well. She genuinely did her best, even though it was shitty.

Blaming our parents doesn't consider them as flawed and damaged individuals. In the same way we are flawed and damaged.

Maybe spend some time in a psychiatric unit OP and you will get a better idea about the abuse that some people suffer as children. I’m pleased for you if you can’t even imagine how damaging such a childhood can be.
In my case, it is my psychiatrist and therapist who tell me that it’s not surprising that I am still struggling now

It depends on whether parents caused actual trauma (as in, the medical definition of it - abuse, severe neglect etc etc) or whether it’s TikTok’s version of trauma.

The first - YABU
The second - YANBU

Mum... is that you??

🤣

Don’t be silly. All the posters on here are totally perfect parents. They would NEVER be the utterly terrible parents that boomers were. (Sarcasm obviously. And obviously I’m not talking about actual abusive parents).

But the lack of insight into this is frightening.

I know we all think we'll be perfect parents before we're parents. But surely the first 6 months of parenthood show what a fallacy this is?

My lovely friend was repeatedly raped by her grandfather from the age of 5 and her parents knew and didn't stop it.
I didn't blame her for blaming them all for her terrible mental health. She killed herself 12 years ago. I still blame her parents and grandparents.

Omg that's horrific. Hope they rot in hell when they get there.

Yes it is. 👍

Oh great, another context-free, goading generalisation post from someone with no other posting history whose only reason for posting is that they 'just have an opinion'. We've not had one of those for at least eight or nine seconds.

You want to make a thread by giving us one sentence. Come on, we need examples, diagrams, etc.

My best friend has BPD. Her childhood was awful, her mum used to tell her things like she’d ruined her life, would assault and terrify her. She’s incredibly bright, shy, probably neurodiverse and very very sensitive. A child like that needs very careful parenting (I have one like that myself). What she got was parenting that shattered her sense of identity and self worth and left her with a literal personality disorder. She spent time in a psychiatric hospital, her arms are covered in self harm scars. Shes anorexic. She’s tried to kill herself multiple times and has never been in a relationship that wasn’t abusive.

She’s funny, loving and incredibly loyal. One of my favourite people in the world. She doesn’t blame her mum, she blames herself for being so supremely unlovable. Who do you think is to blame, please tell me.

Great post.