To think that if you’re over 30 and still blaming your parents for everything, it’s time to grow up?

[DenimHare]

At some point, your trauma isn’t your parents fault anymore - it’s just your personality.

I sometimes wonder what choices I’ve made in the belief that they were the right ones at the time, that my child might think quite differently of in the future.

I was physically and mentally abused by my parents but I bottled it up told no one . It was only when I had my children in my 30's that I opened that Pandora's box. I still don't tell people but I do blame my parents for the (diagnosed) CPTSD I live with.

I don't 'blame' as such but I'm aware that my formative years shaped the person that I am. My lack of boundaries in relationships due to growing up with a parent who hated me and 'knowing' I was nothing- you cant negate that very easily. Formative years are very important. I have to check myself with situations with people very often even in small occurrences such as being asked to do someone a favour or lend money or go somewhere I don't want-i naturally think 'but this person won't like me if I don't do that thing!'

I have to concentrate to process that I don't have to, I matter as much as them, it doesn't matter if they don't like me etc etc. Because naturally I don't matter and I HAVE TO! do the thing. If that makes sense.

Translate into intimate partnerships and naturally I'll put up with anything because they are important and I'm not.
I naturally think I'm stupid too-Im not, I'm very academic-but I never applied myself because my childhood was all about survival, I didn't develop properly and I had no idea who I actually was, because I'd been taught I was nothing.

Again, I don't 'blame' but nor can I shift that without a lot of processing constantly.

Exactly. Most (not all I know) of us do our best. And still get it wrong.

@TheBunnyLover I hope you can realise your worth one day and that was about them (parent),not you.

Well, it's definitely time to get therapy. Parents can do a lot of damage but it is up to you to properly resolve it through therapy if it impacts your life and choices.

And you know this how? Your tone is revolting, by the way.

"Some people have yet to connect the dots between the way they act, think and feel and their childhood."

Very true indeed @Daisyvodka

I'm still doing it into my late sixties.

I'm sorry @DenimHare ,I guess I must be a little slow of thinking😕

I think you dropped this:

@DenimHare - I think that’s an over-simplistic view. Trauma is deeply rooted and it can take years before you actually realise that your experience was not normal and unpack everything. As a result it’s very common to have responses that are result of trauma well into your 30s. Not all trauma is the same and the ability to handle is also not the same.

OP sounds nice

How simplistic...

Some kids grow up in horribly abusive and violent households.

Being in that type of environment when your mind is developing has some deep and lasting consequences.

Gaslighting people who have been through this type of childhood is not going to make them any less affected by it.

YANBU in some ways.

You still hear people in their 40s blaming the fact they're overweight on their parents, because they 'made them eat everything on their plate' when they were kids, despite the fact they've been feeding themselves longer than their parents ever did.

I expect future overweight MNetters will blame the parents of today for their weight problems, because 'they always met them at the school gate with snacks and they were never allowed to feel hunger'.

I'd put it like this:

Some people suffering horrendous, life-changing trauma as a result of the way they were parented. Poor parenting can destroy lives. It's totally legitimate to feel you were let down by your parents or that you are suffering as a result of the way they brought you up. It's understandable that you will not simply shake this off because you turn 30 (or another arbitrary age).

But there does come a point where the onus is on you as a adult to take responsibility for managing this and moving past it.

Yes you may suffer the scars of a bad upbringing for the rest of your life but you have a responsibility at some point to stop making it everyone else's problem.

Real life case study: I have a much older half-brother who is (justifiably) still angry about the fallout from my father leaving his mother which happened in the late 1960s. My father behaved appallingly and his anger is justified. But the output of this is that he blames me and my sister who at the time weren't born for this and is still foul to us and acts out at social events, sends odd and rude communications to us about our father. He's in his early 60s.

Is it reasonable for him to remain angry with our father? Yes.

Is it reasonable for him to act out on two people who at the time this happened were not even conceived? No. That's something he needs to own and deal with.

I only became aware of having trauma from my childhood when having marriage counselling. I was closer to 50 by that point. Previously, I knew my parents weren't great emotionally, but had never got as far as seeing it as abusive, because my physical needs were always met. When you have no frame of reference for normal, it doesn't matter what age you are when you recognise that your normal wasn't isn't actually normal.

Thank you. I appreciate that. I'm LC with said parent now (not NC as I'm close to other parent and they remain married) but not because of me, because parent isn't speaking to me because our poor relationship since I was very young apparently has ruined their life.. ..

I agree to a point. Many people experienced things in their childhood that they just can’t get over. I think that as an adult it is your responsibility to deal with those feelings in an appropriate way.

To the poster that said about being prepared for our children to blame us, I am. I’ve promised to always tell the truth (my own parents deny certain things happened) and I will always be accountable. This would have made the world of difference to me. I’m hoping to break the cycle in my family.

Actually, my tone is matter of face and to the point.

You have a fixed position. My parents wrong. Me right.

You are not your children. You will make mistakes. It's human. Nothing revolting about that. If you find it revolting, possibly a consideration of why human error is so triggering could be useful?

Nice first post by @DenimHare, not at all goady and ignorant.
Personality disorders can be caused at least in part by abusive and neglectful childhoods.
Some people spend their whole lives fighting to survive the effects of their childhoods.

I had a difficult childhood and carried a fair amount of baggage from that into adulthood however I agree there does come a point when you have let go and move forward if you want to have a fulfilling life and relationships. Medication, talking therapy and a lot of self care got me there but also some tough love from those around me saying at some point you have to stop blaming the past and take control. That said its not easy and the recipient of the advice may not be ready to hear it.

@Punishmentforthis my thoughts exactly.

I have a DN in her 40s who blames her parents for everything that is wrong in her life, despite them still providing both child care and financially where the NRP of her DC don't. Her reasoning (and her mad therapist agrees apparently), she had such an idyllic childhood and were such great parents, especially her DF that they gave her unreal expectations of life (and men). It seems you can't win.
In DN's situation I agree. One of my closest friends suffered years of CSA, that shit never goes away.

Define "blame the parents". I absolutely recognise that my parents had very questionable judgements. One was an abusive alcoholic, the other one was oblivious to the violence I experienced at their hands. I am recognising that these experiences shape my understanding of the world and how I relate to others. Do they explain every choice I make in my life? Absolutely not. But you can't deny that my parents shaped my personality as did yours.

How was your childhood op?

Often "growing up" involves recognising the damage or impact that your childhood had on you, and finding a way to live with that.