To want 9s not 7s for my child in their GCSEs?

[ZeldaFighter]

Child is a model student and no problems with behaviour or attendance. Definitely seems intelligent and diligently completes homework, often without prompting.

Report is 6s and 7s. Husband is pleased and says they're As and Bs. He thinks only kids in private schools doing extended papers get 9s.

I got As, Bs and Cs many years ago but I always strived for As. AIBU to think they should be getting 9s or at least striving for them?

DD got one 8, the rest 9's and this was common amongst her friend group. I suspect that you and I are basing this on our own experience of it "not being that rare" because we know several who did it, and our kids have the advantage of being top flight academically coupled with being a school that helped them achieve that. A top flight student at a crap school is unlikely to do it, same as a not so bright student at a good school. I was a good student at a good school but my mothers attempt at "support" was to make it very very clear that failure was not an option and name calling, shouting abuse etc if I didnt do what she thought I should be doing. So I barely scraped passes.

I think it is a lot of ability but a fair bit of luck too in terms of teaching, family support etc. I didnt realise how rare it is to be honest.

Only read OP's post (always makes me wonder).

I'd love my DS to get all 9s.
After the summer fails and a slight improvement in the Jan mocks, he's on target to pass them all, with some 6s and maybe the odd 7.
He has matured a great deal over the last few months. He's seen that even a little work gets good results (he's a bright enough lad). If he was a model student, worked diligently and always completed his h/w he would meet his potential. I provide an environment for him to do so. The motivation needs to come from him, with support from me.
It's not a great school. They don't actually have a teacher for business studies. Stats was a horror show, but they've got an excellent teacher now (a bit late, but she's amazing). He'll be fine. I'm proud of him and keeping it in perspective. There are lots of children in his school who won't get English and Maths.

Too much pressure. I was a model student at that age with asian parents who put all the pressure on me to get all A's.. they tried to hide their disappointment on my GCSE results day but it was obvious. Same throughout college and university... It puts an insane amount of stress on a child. Especially on a gifted one!

I expect my hardworking 14 Yr old to get 7s on her stronger subjects (she's predicted 8s as her highest scores although she's not in year 11 of course.. I still wouldn't put so much pressure on her) and a pass at the very least on her weakest subjects, but expecting all 9s and being disappointed in 7s would make a child feel awful..

Do you want them to get them for you or for them? Are they reaching their actual potential or is this just arbitrary on your part?

Bloody hell OP, you're beyond unreasonable.

Please lay off your child. It's GCSE. Give them some space to grow.
Don't let your issues spoil their time.

You say your child is a model student and completing all her homework. That means she is striving for better grades! Getting grade 7s is great. Most good sixth forms require grade 7s for A level so she meets the threshold. Consider her mental health too, please. A happy child will be a productive child. Don't grind her down expecting more when she is already working hard. You'll only drive a wedge between you and her.

Everyone, thank you very much for your comments (even the rude and hurtful ones). I'm very grateful to get your thoughts.

I'm struggling with this on a number of levels and for different reasons. My own background is of being the bright middle child with non-academic siblings. I was left alone by my parents, which was just fine, because in my ultra-competitivep
friendship group, less than 95% was subject to scorn. I got the A-Levels I needed and met DH at the Russell Group uni we both went to.

DC is also the middle child and gets ignored because of the needs of his siblings. He is outperforming his siblings by miles. Oldest DC is lazy, possibly dyslexic and will be lucky to pass any exams. Youngest DC has diagnosed SEN and his own challenges.

I genuinely don't know if he is working hard. He does an hour or so of study every other night - I did more at his age. We think he's doing well and his teachers were pleased at Parents Evening.

But we asked how we can support him and they said "keep doing what you're doing" - we're not doing anything!!! It's all him!

I'm terrified that we're not supporting him enough and it will all slip away.

You have all made me see that a lot of this is me projecting my issues and worries. I will take the good advice to show how proud I am of him and do my best to support him.

Thank you.

I want my kids to be happy and not stressed and overwhelmed. Whatever their results I will be proud.

What are your child’s target grades? If they’re on their target now, lay off. If they have the potential to improve, support and encourage them to do so. Your own achievements are irrelevant here.

My dd2 got mainly 7s a couple of 8s at GCSE. She is currently smashing her A levels and on course for A* across the board. Which I don’t think she would be if I had destroyed her confidence pushing her too hard at GCSE. Encourage your child and support them but at the end of the day GCSEs aren’t all that.

@ZeldaFighter DC is also the middle child and gets ignored because of the needs of his siblings.

This is so sad. Do you and your DH genuinely have no time at all for him?

Please don’t ignore him. As hard as it may be with other children with additional needs, please don’t ignore him. The term ‘glass child’ is a real thing.

No, we don't literally ignore him! But we ask him if he wants help and he says he's fine. He organises his own equipment, bags, etc - i rarely have to help him with anything, unlike his siblings.

Please do not use lazy and dyslexic in the same sentence. Dyslexic children are not lazy the have a specific learning difficulty.

That sounds difficult OP. I think you need to differentiate between "supporting" and "pushing" your DS. You've said yourself that you don't give him as much attention as your other 2 DC and obviously there are reasons for that,it's not that you don't care. But if you put yourself in his position it may feel unfair, and if he perceives that your expectations of him are unreasonably high and that you're treating him harshly compared to his siblings it could end up being very counterproductive, both for his results and his relationship with you.
I think I would focus on being interested but not over invested if that makes sense? Try to talk to him about what he's doing, let him know you're proud of him, discuss where he sees himself going in the future, what he needs to do to get there and what, if anything, he needs from you to get there. But I would steer clear from the "I want you to get 9s" and "you're capable of better than this" type narrative and work on positive reinforcement.

That’s not ignoring him though, that’s him being proactive and independent with his school supplies without encouragement from you. Which is great.

However, you said he “gets ignored”. So how exactly does he get ignored by you and your husband? Do you spend any quality time with him that doesn’t involve homework or study?

Of course it’s correct, because most don’t get 9’s. Some do of course but they are the minority. Getting one 9 in a specific subject you’re really good at is one thing, but to get a string of 9’s is highly unusual

Frankly I suspect he could be getting some 9s if he’s only doing an hour every other night at this stage of year 11!

It’s very important to have balance and I’m certainly not advocating a tiger mum approach, but I do think there are times when it’s important to work hard and the few months before GCSEs is one of them.

I’d have a calm chat with him (not a telling off) asking him how he feels about his exams, what his aims are and whether he needs help structuring a more intensive revision schedule.

Well, no student achieves a 9 in the exams. The top that can be achieved is an 8. The 9s are allocated by the examiners after all the marks are in by calculating the top percentage of the students gaining 8s. This ensures that the 9 truly denotes the best pupils and not everyone who achieves a certain mark. It’s a bit arrogant / entitled (sorry, but I can’t think of a better word) for a parent to expect 9s as it’s essentially saying their child is better than virtually all of the national cohort that they’ve never met. You’d need a child who is consistently getting nearly full marks to be pretty confident of that and even then, I’d aspire to it rather than expect it. So, it is unreasonable to think they should be getting 9s. It’s not at all unreasonable to want them to strive for 8s and hope they perform well enough to gain 9s.

This is so, so much better for him than having parents who run around after him and do everything for him.

This!⬆️ Mine got a mixture of 9s, 8s, 7s, 6s in the local non-grammar school. No pressure. They were chuffed, as were we. Currently doing A Levels & got a Uni offer. Leave them be - if that's what the teachers who know best think they'll achieve then that's it. Gentle encouragement to do their best & lots of praise is your job as parents - let the teachers do theirs.

He is doing an extra 3hours work a week, that sounds like he is working hard. It's the equivalent of going to school every Saturday morning.

How is HE feeling about it? How does he think he is doing? Is he pushing himself just enough? Is he HAPPY with it all? What, if anything, does he need you to do?

Ask him what he needs you to do to support him. It might be a surprise. I was 15 when my parents had a baby and an unfair amount of childcare fell on me. What I REALLY needed was for them to stop making me babysit every Saturday morning (while they went out for breakfast) because for various reasons that was the best time for me to do schoolwork. Sunday morning babysitting would have been better. They wouldn't listen to me and that definitely impacted on my grades and upset me a lot.

Also, as others have said. GCSEs are about knowing HOW to do the exams as much as what you learn. Make sure he knows how to play.

By the time he gets into college, very few places will care whether he got 9s. They just want passes.

Your husband is talking nonsense.

I went to a distinctly average secondary. I got a mix of A* and A with one C. Ironically the C was the one I had to work really hard for and was most proud of.

But do you know what? Unless he wants to go down very specific routes, no one cares after school, as long as he gets passes.

It's not impossible for a child to be both.

Tbf I read the sentence and the way it was written did sound like they were intrinsically linked.

Is there anything to indicate that 7 is not his full potential? It sounds like he works hard from what you have said so it could be that 9’s aren’t achievable. The last thing you want to do is to make him feel that her ‘best’ is not good enough.