To want 9s not 7s for my child in their GCSEs?

[ZeldaFighter]

Child is a model student and no problems with behaviour or attendance. Definitely seems intelligent and diligently completes homework, often without prompting.

Report is 6s and 7s. Husband is pleased and says they're As and Bs. He thinks only kids in private schools doing extended papers get 9s.

I got As, Bs and Cs many years ago but I always strived for As. AIBU to think they should be getting 9s or at least striving for them?

I'm sure every parent would like that - whether it's attainable is another matter.

Let's face it, some children, no matter how many interventions are staged, no matter how many private tutors, no matter how much hard work, will never get more than a 5 and a 6 would be an absolute delight for their parent(s).

Frustratingly (for the parents), you can see that your child could do so much better but doesn't like the subject/doesn't like the teacher/simply can't be arsed as they're a teenager (and a whole host of other reasons!).

Others, despite every effort, will never make that leap from 7 to 9 as their brains just aren't wired that way (or at this point in their lives, aren't wired for more elevated thinking).

Unfortunately, Robbie Burns had the right of it. 'The best laid plans oft gang agley.'

I’m not sure elevated thinking is particularly required at GCSE level, even for a 9.

A level and university, sure, but success at GCSE is unfortunately mostly about learning and regurgitating facts. I’m not sure assessing memory ability is particularly useful in 2025, but that’s the system we have.

Hi, @ZeldaFighter

Thanks for your updates. I have really appreciated the insight into your family situation, and it has been a pleasure to watch you assimilate some of the thoughtful comments here.

Knowing more now, I can see I didn’t give you enough credit at first. I stand by the ideas that we on MN still lack a clear idea of what would motivate and what would stress your middle DC, but I understand more of your concerns.

Here is my suggestion: ask DC about their plans. Not explicitly, because they may not be able to say. But they are of an age where, over a few conversations, they may come to enjoy talking with you about what, realistically, they see as a good future. (They may well not have a career or any idea of a degree programme in mind. Most at this stage don’t).

What do they see as their strengths? What skills do they want to develop? What environment might they want to work in? People focused, idea focused, tool focused etc? What if any academic subjects do they love and do these align with their strengths? If not would tutoring or online resources help? The early answers might be very vague but this will be a start. If these conversations are new you need to be low key so as not to startle DC, who may never have thought about these things. They will improve over time.

As you say, for understandable reasons this DC may have been somewhat overlooked. I think this kind of parental interest in helping them shape a future, then linking to the grades and activities that will make that future happen, will be more motivating than focusing directly on grades.

Best wishes

@SeaSwim5 I think this article is more about under performing children from disadvantaged backgrounds. It’s not saying, for example, that a string of 9s has the potential for greater happiness than 6-8s.

I think drive is more about nature than nurture. Many of us have dc with varying levels of drive despite having the same parenting. There is only so much a parent can do or influence. Academic success is largely down to the individual.

Maybe they dont want to meet a partner at a Russel Group university and realise your dreams for yourself. If you dont knwo if your son is studying enough or not or stribing to do well or not, that is another issue. You expect him to have your drive and your ambition. It's not a bad thing to want the best for your child, but as a mother you need to model that to your child, not just expect they will read your mind and randomly learn the study skills from thin air.

The effect on happiness is stronger for DC from disadvantaged backgrounds.

However, the article is clear that there is a direct correlation between higher GCSE grades and life happiness for all students.

I’d say there’s quite a difference in the majority views on this thread, compared to the MN education boards.

OP you might find it useful to post in the Secondary board for opinions.

The fact of that difference in views, is in itself interesting.

But does it relate to 8 and 9s or A and A*

because it is on the cusp of being either and I think it makes a difference

because what a lot of us are saying is that implementation of a 9 diminishes the 7/A and the 4/C

Does what they want to do in life come into it?

Hi Rivari, thank you for this post. I'll admit that my response was snippy as I was feeling snippy so I apologise also. Your comments are very kind and understanding, thank you very much. I wish you and your family all the best - you sound very kind so I'm sure you're a great mum x

Oldest DC was screened for dyslexia in primary and it was negative. He also did a QB test for ADHD, which was also negative. They commented that his attention and focus was above average for 9yos, which I now think might have indicated a hyperfocus, but that wasn't picked up.

DC is quite immature so we decided to let the medical interventions lie while they grew up a bit themselves....then Covid....during secondary school transition. They seemed to be mainly keeping up in secondary until GCSE. They were then given access arrangements but we were never told why or to follow it up.

They had a screening last September which canr back moderately dyslexic...too late to get a diagnosis by the deadline of January. School won't now do a diagnosis, neither will the NHS and we've been told private diagnosis are worthless and ignored.

So that's why.

I hardly think that a study done on 23 year olds constitutes lifelong happiness. Their pre frontal cortex isn’t even fully developed yet!

Hi poetryandwine (2 lovely things),

Thank you very much for your lovely comments. I realise my OP was perhaps a bit provocative - I did want comments and being honest, I was a bit disappointed that our most academic child didn't have "top marks". And that's bad and that's on me. I hope I've learnt and reflected and will do better. My issues are my own and in no way do I want to upset my child or let them think I'm not proud of them.

I have already put your good advice into practice. I chatted with DC last night and was honest that I was concerned I wasn't supporting them enough and what did they need? We had a good talk and they seem happy. I suggested doing a little more study e every night but left it as a suggestion. DC did ask for more help with Maths, which DH will be delighted to do. (He loves Maths!)

We've got a few other plans - watching films and things for English lit and History, stuff like that and some of the other suggestions like BBC Bitesize.

Hopefully we can support all our DC to achieve their best.

Best wishes and thank you to you and your family x

Op, such a positive update and lovely to see that what Poetry suggested was helpful.

I wonder if this might be of interest to other readers of this thread, to see parental engagement and encouragement as not meaning hot housing or pressure. It’s about enabling the kids to think themselves about what helps them progress - and that’s a gradual thing towards being a mature and eventually independent learner who can effectively self evaluate and access people and resources to self evaluate and then to take action and make progress.

I love the conversation you had with your DC and what a positive start it was. And hopefully that felt comfortable to you both and not pushy at all as some seem to fear such things would be.

Thank you for the update, @ZeldaFighter

TBF, @WombatChocolate , she thought of this for herself! Thank you for your kind words and for further useful advice.

A very un-AIBU love-in 😀 thank you all for the support and advice

Because the study doesn’t support your view that GCSE results don’t matter, you don’t think the age they’ve chosen to measure happiness at is old enough 😂

It is interesting and very sad to see that so many posters want to encourage such lazy and harmful attitudes to education.

I agree that exam results do matter, but there's a balance to be had between supporting a child to reach maximum potential (which I agree with) and putting on pressure for achievements that aren't a realistic reflection of that child's academic capacities.

For my DS, a 7 in maths, chem and bio was the absolute far end of possible. And he worked his backside off to get them. The 6 he got in physics was an absolute bloody miracle. The 9 in English Lang was fully as expected, as were the 8s in French and History. He wasn't capable of getting all 9s, he got the absolute maximum out of his GCSEs with two 6s his lowest grades and we were so, so proud after all the work he put in.

He did watch several straight 9 students crash and burn in Yr12 because A levels are so much harder - and they weren't used to the graft.

working all hours to try and achieve a result that you may not achieve and feeling you have failed if you don’t is harmful

setting yourself up for constantly having to work all hours because of unnecessary pressure to achieve grades is harmful

failing to have a balanced approach to life is harmful

not recognising that actually a 7 is a bloody good grade is harmful

not recognising that in year 10 a 6 and a 7 is potentially likely to be an 8 or a 9 is also an issue

getting the balance is important and personally o find your attitude has the potential to be harmfil

as o said DD is Year 11 Grammar and sees the effect on her peers this approach has

I don’t disagree with any of that- well done to your DS for putting effort in. My view is that all DC should be working hard to achieve the best grade they are capable of in each subject- whether a 5 or a 9.

A number of posters have argued that only passing GCSEs matters and that DC should be delighted with 6s and 7s, which I don’t agree with if they are capable of better.

They matter to a degree. But other factors are much more important. And what grades a person achieves at GCSE becomes less important in time. ‘Good’ grades (whatever that means) can open doors to the next stage, have a positive effect on self esteem and confidence. But there is also a danger (and social media is largely to blame for this) that kids can feel like failures unless they achieve top grades leading to a decline in mental health. And I believe that effect is more pronounced than the possible effect of top grades on increased happiness. So many kids are exhausted and burnt out from the pressure to achieve

🙏❤️

This. In spades!