I think my son is gay

[YeahYeahYeahsFan]

Don't know what to do about my son, what would you do!
I would be completely okay with whatever happens. As a bit of background, we come from a strictly religious family (Catholic.) I am not homophobic AT ALL, I have countless gay friends whom I have no prejudice against.
It's my son that I'm worried about; he struggles with feelings of shame and inadequacy as part of this religion and I know that even the thought of being gay would make him distraught and give him so many unmanageable emotions. I also believe he has a crush on his close (male) friend who we've known for years. The crush is quite obvious to me (perhaps that's because I'm his mother!) but I think he's in denial. Recently, I overheard what sounded like prayer in his bedroom in between him sobbing and asking for repentance and forgiveness for, presumably, his sexuality. I feel so so sorry for him. I know he doesn't have any issues with other people being gay, but if it were him I think he would feel shattered.

I've made the fact that I am not homophobic and I will always love him blatantly clear. My question is, AIBU to suspect this? Am I overthinking??!!! Also what would you do!!!
Many thanks😁

This sort of thing is why I hate religions.

If you don't attend church then why not leave it together. You could also have a chat like

"Oh ds, I have something to talk to you and family about but I want you to be first to hear it from me. Am leaving the Catholic church. While I still believe in God (if you still do) I find that some of its tenets are at odds with my current beliefs and the bible."

Go on and discuss what ever including "and The Bible talks about an all loving God and I can't reconcile that with the church'homophobic approach which I believe is outdated and not anchored in the gospel or reflective of God's love for all humans. I believe God loves us all......
Continue with all other arguments of why you are leaving.
End with something like "You don't have to follow me. Whatever beliefs you decide to pursue, am always here and will always love and hope you will accept or at least my choice to leave the church".
Leave it there.
Do not say you think he is gay

I think you need to talk to him about whats causing him to be so distressed, and try to get him to open up to you, or if he won't, you can at least assure him that you love him, you're worried that he's unhappy, and that you're there for him.

If he tells you he is gay, you can contact a local LGB Catholic group, which could give him a lot of support.

If he won't say what is worrying him, I think you should get him to talk to a counsellor, he needs to be able to accept himself, and not feel he's unworthy.

I'm a lasped Catholic, some Catholics are bigots, just like some Anglicans, Hindus and Muslims are, he needs to understand that it's not a central part of the religion, especially under the current Pope.

If I were you I would put the homosexuality to one side. He’ll accept who he is and tell you when he’s ready.

In the meantime, I would keep regularly having discussions around religious beliefs and theology in general and over time try to gently influence him or have a greater influence on him than your sister or the Catholic Church at least. Healthy debate around these things is important to have with our kids.

You could share with him your thoughts on what you do and don’t personally believe in. I think most of us believe in or at least agree with some aspects of faith (kindness, gratitude, charity etc) so finding a common ground to agree on before discussing more contentious aspects would be key.

NC because I know some people will be upset with what I'm about to say...

I am a Christian (Anglican not Catholic). I am also predominantly attracted to other women.

I choose to be single, rather than have a lesbian relationship. It is my choice, not forced upon me by anyone (in fact I came to faith as an adult and my family are very unhappy with me decision). The fact is, I value my relationship with Jesus more highly than any potential romantic relationship.

I am not always happy - but no-one in a relationship is always happy with their partner either - but I am content and confident in my decision.

I am not saying that your son should or should not look for a gay relationship. But if he decides he doesn't want to, or simply wants to work through these things, here are two resources that I think are helpful (both are from a Reformed perspective, not Catholic)

The True Freedom Trust (pastoral support and advice; they also have a parents' group, I think)
The Plausibility Problem (book by Ed Shaw - not always easy or light, but honest about life in the church when choosing to be single and celibate)

Have a preemptive conversation with him and tell him you love him no matter what and that you would love him whether he’s straight or gay, and does he want to talk about it. DH’s Dad did that with DH when he was 12 because he’s somewhat flamboyant for a straight man.

This to be honest. If he is gay, it's this in relation to religion that is causing him the strife. He's fine as he is.

DM went to a convent - Catholic guilt spreads far.

My son is gay. Out at about 17, but he knew earlier. Went to Anglican Church, with us, and so possibly a softer gay message. He’s not burnt up yet. 35 now.

He’s involved, though not weekly, with a Church where he lives. A very open and welcoming Church.

Whilst there are hardliners in all parts of the greater Church many denominations and individual Churches are inclusive and welcoming.

Our own Church has become more inclusive - partly down to the work of our Rectory and possibly because he is gay himself? ( Parental gaydar!)

Support him with love and kindness. He may well meet bigots along the way but if you can instill him with a walk tall/f off attitude towards people like this you will have done him a big favour and helped him to survive this traumatic period.

All the best to both of you.

I think he needs therapy.

Do what I did and ditch the Catholic faith. It’s a terrible religion and I took me until I was 40 to realise this

Honestly, your son needs therapy to help him work through his emotions and feelings. Putting the fact you think he may be gay aside, his ridged and strict beliefs about religion and masculinity are not healthy and ultimately sound as if they're effecting his mental health. No religion is worth breaking mental health over.

It just shows the toxic, destructive power a religion like Catholicism can have on a young person.

Lessing flaming and more to be pitied.
I feel sorry for you, that you truly believe in a loving god who made everyone, including gay people, and yet has said those people are wrong in some way for being born exactly as they are.
That has little to do with Jesus and everything to do with a church run mainly by men who seek to control through arbitrary rules and regulations.

I agree with this - and in my experience (I'm from a church background with several members of my family ordained) I'd say well over half of the Catholic priests I've met or know of are gay, some openly so. I hope your son, if he is gay, does come to accept that there's absolutely nothing wrong with it and there is zero need for shame. All you can do as parents is keep an open dialogue (without asking him) and make sure he feels safe to talk if and when he is ready. I wouldn't be shocked if one of my four was gay - and it doesn't bother me in the slightest. All we want is for our children to be happy and safe, don't we?

lbgt catholics on instagram could be a good resource.

You sound like a very loving mum but you inflicted these hateful ideas on him OP, I know you would never have wanted to think of it like that, but you have raised him in an atmosphere which has lead to self-hate 😔 He didn’t sign up for it. Please find all the resources you can to counteract the impact of growing up in a homophobic religion.

Wow that's moved on quite a bit from suspecting he was gay to knowing he thinks he will "burn in hell forever" for thinking about his crush

Sounds like you're protesting too much. You'd be fiiiine if he was gay 😏, countless (really? How many is countless 😂) gay friends or anything else for that matter, you don't hold prejudice against gay people is such a strange thing to say, you're not homophobic AT ALL...really?

If all that were really true then your son wouldn't have the feelings he does. He knows the belief structure and attitudes within the house. He's heard the "I don't hold anything against them but it's not what the church teaches nonsense so he knows better than anyone what the beliefs are under the superficial "I'm a good person and don't judge" speeches.
I'm also Catholic with sons. I actually do have several gay friends one of whom is my youngest godfather (and none of whom I would ever think of saying that I hold no prejudice against 🤨) and none of my boys would have the feelings of shame and the apparent need for forgiveness that you say your son has.

I feel heartbroken for your son. Get him professional support from outside the family
as soon as possible, it sounds as though he really needs proper help to undo whatever has been instilled into him.

Honestly, wether he is gay or not is really not the issue.

The issue is you allowed your sister and your religion, apparently, to cause huge issues in your sons thought processes.

He needs professional help to get over his thinking. It’s toxic and highly damaging

My cousin in his 40s (also catholic, although not sure if he is lapsed like me) is gay, and to this day I do not know if his mum (my mum's sister) knows. Been a few years since I've asked my mum that surely his mum must know, or at least cottoned on as to why there have never been any girlfriends, but my mum says she is none the wiser, and for whatever reason he has never told her. It's crazy that your old child could be so reluctant to state what we all knew from when he was very young (it really was that obvious). She is uber religious, like many of her generation, and I don't know if that has influenced his decision not to tell her.

You don't know what he believes. You've completely contradicted yourself in the space of one sentence.

How has your sister been such a huge influence on him and you haven't balanced that out. I don't think you're looking at the facts of his upbringing very honestly. You can't blame others and it won't get you anywhere anyway. You need to get him proper help no matter what has happened in the past or who is to blame. It's what the situation is now that needs addressed, what's done is done, just getting someone to help him is what matters.

Tell him that the stupid, outdated religion he had no choice but to follow is totally irrelevant. Make damn sure to shield him from the inevitable prejudice from family members.

"he really just needs to get out of his own head…"

And there we have it. A complete lack understanding, empathy or anything else despite the words that have gone before. Poor kid

Yes. Jesus's message was love, a message all churches corrupt.

Live your life @Flameproofvest

I fucking hate religions and this is one of the very many reasons why.

Poor poor boy.

That is desperately sad.

I can't imagine doing myself a huge disservice and missing out on love in love for a hypothetical bloke in the sky.

If Jesus really 'loved you' like 'you love him' he wouldn't give a flying fuck about who's in a relationship with who.

Religion is such an evil cult. I've never see anything good come out of religion.