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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

I think my son is gay

108 replies

YeahYeahYeahsFan · 12/03/2025 17:53

Don't know what to do about my son, what would you do!
I would be completely okay with whatever happens. As a bit of background, we come from a strictly religious family (Catholic.) I am not homophobic AT ALL, I have countless gay friends whom I have no prejudice against.
It's my son that I'm worried about; he struggles with feelings of shame and inadequacy as part of this religion and I know that even the thought of being gay would make him distraught and give him so many unmanageable emotions. I also believe he has a crush on his close (male) friend who we've known for years. The crush is quite obvious to me (perhaps that's because I'm his mother!) but I think he's in denial. Recently, I overheard what sounded like prayer in his bedroom in between him sobbing and asking for repentance and forgiveness for, presumably, his sexuality. I feel so so sorry for him. I know he doesn't have any issues with other people being gay, but if it were him I think he would feel shattered.

I've made the fact that I am not homophobic and I will always love him blatantly clear. My question is, AIBU to suspect this? Am I overthinking??!!! Also what would you do!!!
Many thanks😁

OP posts:
Arrivals4lucky · 12/03/2025 19:30

He might have a rethink as he’s older, it’s all made up anyway.

YeahYeahYeahsFan · 12/03/2025 19:38

@hopeishere We don’t attend church. Religion is not a large part of me or my husband’s life anymore (well, it was for some time, but we were liberal about it and we left anyway.) My son is a completely different matter; religion is a very big part of his life and, even though we don’t attend church, I know how frequently he prays and how attached he is to this. Aside from my extended family the religiousness is not a hyper focused thing.

OP posts:
BunnyLake · 12/03/2025 19:39

Dramatic · 12/03/2025 18:13

Leave the homophobic religion.

Agree with this. I was brought up a Catholic but discarded it because I personally find it a horrible, judgemental religion which can ruin you because of the guilt they drum in to you from a young age. I don’t like any religions and my children were not exposed to it. Your son’s anxiety is because of this pesky religion.

northernballer · 12/03/2025 19:39

I was brought up Catholic too - it was only when I went to Uni and found my own mind I realised how fucked up some of it was. My own Mother was ostracised because her husband left her for another woman but instead of being supported she was told she would always be married in the eyes of God and was never allowed to move on.

I'd stop attending Mass tbh and let your son know everything was OK.

YeahYeahYeahsFan · 12/03/2025 19:42

@northernballer We no longer attend Mass. I am trying to reassure my son as much as is possible but he is completely blinded by the religion. He fully believes that he is going to burn in hell forever now if he so much thinks about the person I suspect is his crush.

OP posts:
NeverGuessWho · 12/03/2025 19:43

A very close friend of mine, who is in an openly gay marriage is being received into the Catholic church at Easter.

Could you bring up how much more accepting the Catholic church is now - perhaps starting with a general discussion about the Pope s current health issues, and then steer the conversation towards the article that someone linked upthread?
You could maybe say that you read something online & are so pleased that the church is much more inclusive these days.

Jade520 · 12/03/2025 19:44

What a shame the poor kid has been indoctrinated into this religion. Surely you can't be blaming it all on your sister? It sounds like he might be too terrified not to believe in it now. My ex husband was the same and it ruined both our lives when he thought he had to be straight and married me. I dread to think of the trauma this is causing your son.

DivorcedMumOfAdults · 12/03/2025 19:45

So you think he is conflicted between his emotions and his faith?
Perhaps you can find a priest who has a more relaxed view- surely there must be some gay priests out there.

prairiegirl81 · 12/03/2025 19:46

My wife was brought up in a very strict religious (Christian, but not Catholic) family. Much of the family is still fully involved in the church.

She also experienced a lengthy period of difficulty around issues of sexuality. I asked her what might have helped her growing up within such a culture. She said perhaps having the opportunity to meet and be around others who were living a Christian life, but were also LGBTQ+.

There is a Catholic LGBTQ organisation. Perhaps you might like to look at their website and keep up to date with what they offer, in case anything might be helpful for you or your son when you're both ready.

questlgbti.uk/

Wishing you both all the very best for the future.

CreationNat1on · 12/03/2025 19:49

Are there any teenage LGBTQ+ charities in your locality. I know in Ireland there is a charity for teenagers, helping them to explore coming out and also to just hang out without pressure.

I also suspect my son may be gay or Bi, DS1 was previously quite committed to the church, but we are all lapsed now. I gently drop into conversation when I can, that I m happy for either of them to meet any nice romantic partner, the most important thing is they are a good person. I don't care if either or both of them are gay, any outcome is perfectly acceptable.

Keep letting the whole family know you are accepting of each and every one, exactly as they are.

Support gay events. Normalise being gay.

x2boys · 12/03/2025 19:52

I doubt they would be open about it
Not Catholic priests anyway.

Zeroperspective · 12/03/2025 19:55

I would keep making it clear that you have not issue either way so conversations along the lines of "if you bring a girlfriend or boyfriend home i can't wait to show them your baby photos" so not explicitly saying i think you are gay but making it obvious you know it's an option and you are fine with it.

However it appears less disappointing you and more disappointing his church that seems to be the real issue for him, can you reach out to anyone within the church that doesn't hold the views that gay people go to hell etc and see if they can talk to him? Either directly or in the same roundabout way? I'm aware some of the Catholic church are very black and white about this but many more are seeing the grey and allow gay marriages to be blessed in church etc

northernballer · 12/03/2025 19:56

Sorry I didn't see you no longer attended.

I think all you can do is love him and let him know you will accept him no matter what, and it sounds like you are.

BooomShakeTheRoom · 12/03/2025 20:00

Why would anyone want to be part of a religion that promotes and encourages shame? It’s so damaging.

I think you should encourage your son to let go of Catholicism and remind him continually that there’s nothing wrong with being gay.

GarlicStyle · 12/03/2025 20:19

Quote: @Yolo12345

Chill out and let him discover himself. This will probably be the least important thing about him.

That's naïve to the point of stupidity. Our sexual orientation is EXTREMELY important to virtually all of us. To a practising member of a homophobic church, it's an existential quandary: he has to decide whether the teachings of his church are more important than being true to his natural orientation.

Most religiously committed people feel their adherence to their church as an intrinsic part of who they are. Their sexual orientation is also an intrinsic part of who they are, as it is for everyone. If these two deeply-interwoven parts of one's self are in direct conflict, you may be sure it's important.

Can't advise, OP, I'm afraid. This is one of many reasons I'm an atheist! If DS is gay and continues to be Bible-led, might it be possible to segue into the Church of England? Familiar rituals, small differences, much more on the fence about homosexuality.

maltravers · 12/03/2025 20:26

I would talk to him personally, say you know he has not had a girlfriend or boyfriend yet, either is just fine, it is important to be yourself. Plus that organised religion can have some rather old fashioned ideas, but will probably get there in the end and love and kindness are what really matters. I hope he is ok, poor chap.

Cyclebabble · 12/03/2025 20:32

Hi Op, My eldest son is gay. I am unclear why your son would be feeling shame at his sexuality. If this is coming from school or a Church then you need to consider moving him. To remain will risk his mental health and it is important to consider this. If you have gay friends you can invite them round regularly for dinner alongside their partners. Your son needs to see that gay relationships are just as valid and enjoyable as straight relationships and in practice are not that much different.

Be clear with him that whatever he decides is fine and you will support. Do not push it though he will be ready to tell you when he is ready. In DS's case this was not until he was 19.

StepUpSlowly · 12/03/2025 20:33

Could you get in touch with local LGBTQ+ organizations and see if they have youth group and some resources? plenty of queer people are religious, so I would try and maybe get him to meet other members of the LGBTQ+ community who happen to be religious (or not) so he starts seeing that he can be religious and also be himself?

it’s very sad he feels so much shame about himself but it’s also a very normal part of the process of accepting one’s sexuality. Most gay people have loathed being gay at some point and felt shame about it. I am a lesbian and it definitely took almost two decades to accept what I knew about me since I was maybe 3 or 4. And I still came out as bisexual first as it seemed more palatable somehow. It’s a long process and there is a lot of shame involved and I was born not that long ago but still at a time where gay people where vilified and compared to pedophiles (still very much the case for many people.)

Your poor son is probably terrified because that’s likely all he has heard about (how bad it is to be gay). I would casually start watching TV shows and movies where gay men appear and invite him to join for movie night, not in a “we know you are gay and here is a movie specifically for you kind of way” but so it’s normalized. “But I am a cheerleader” is a very fun lighthearted movie that might resonate with your son where Christian parents send their lesbian daughter to a convertion camp, it’s a comedy, very funny and very well done and show how ridiculous it is to be against love in all its shape or form and that you can’t fight against who you naturally are, nor should you.

if it helps, I hated the fact I was gay when I was little but now you couldn’t ever find something that would make me want to be straight, I love my sexuality, I love myself, I am proud of the person I am and the people I have loved and if reincarnation is a thing I hope I am gay in each and every lives. 15 is a tricky age where you want to fit in and fear bullying if someone finds out you are gay, it’s hard. Keep supporting him through it and I would say to him “we know 15 is the age where you will start questioning yourself about all kind of topics and about who you are, and what that means. We want you to know that whoever you decide to be and whoever you are we will support you, as long as it doesn’t involve hurting anyone. So if you realize you are gay, or want to become a broadway star or would like start potery classes, go for it. It’s okay to find out who you are, and I know 15 is the age where you will get a lot of opinions you didn’t ask for about your life and who you are, might become or could become, just know that for us it doesn’t matter who you are, who you love and what the future holds, you are our child and we love you and will support you through whatever the future holds for you and it’s okay to be scared just give yourself grace, you don’t have to have it all figured out and it’s okay to be lost and confused, we all have been there, and you will be okay, I promise, even on days you think you won’t, there will be a day where you will wake up and see you are and you did. Trust in you and if you believe in God trust that he made no mistake and he made you just the way he wanted you to be and that nothing you feel or think he is foreign to, he knows what’s in your mind and what’s in your heart and he wouldn’t have created this version of you if he thought you should be any different. We love you and if there is anything we can do to help make going through the teenagers years easier for you we will always be happy to hear and work through it with you.”

UnimaginableWindBird · 12/03/2025 20:35

Can you go find a local inclusive church? Two of my local Catholic churches are registered as inclusive - there is an LGBTQ+ outreach chaplain, they have a monthly LGBTQ+ mass, they have a stall at the local Pride etc. Even if you don't Go for the religion, it might be worth going just to talk to a few of the people there and get some advice. And maybe see if you can pick up some suitable merch, like this magnet I have on my fridge, just to have around the house.

I think my son is gay
pimplebum · 12/03/2025 20:39

why not go to a gay church with him ?

tell any family members to get on board the positivity train

MasterBeth · 12/03/2025 21:00

Why is is he Catholic? Because you brought him up Catholic. So whose fault is it that he's suffering Catholic guilt, I wonder?

YeahYeahYeahsFan · 12/03/2025 21:00

@pimplebum Considering how my family members are, I’m not sure that’s possible. All that we can do for now is make his closest circle be more accepting.

OP posts:
YeahYeahYeahsFan · 12/03/2025 21:11

I also forget to mention; he is obsessed with the image of ‘traditional’ masculinity and being typically masculine. He thinks that even crying makes him weak, or a sin. I feel so sorry for him, he really just needs to get out of his own head…

OP posts:
lovingtheworld · 12/03/2025 21:12

My son came out at 15 but i knew before then i just didnt bang on about it until he came to me.
We have no religion to me any religion turns in to some sort of cult.
I have nothing against anyone loving anyone when it comes to love there is no gender.
My son has never been pushed out never to feel bad or shame.
He told me first my words were as long as you are happy thats all that matters nothings going to change that was that.
When he told his dad a few days later he came straight out with it no faffing dad im gay and like men my husbands reply was and whats the problem i support all the colors of the rain bow son.
My son is married to a wonderful man now.
My husband came from a religion faith family and he said it was like a cult he left at 19 and never been back hes in his 50s now he said its freedom when you leave and can think for your self.

lovingtheworld · 12/03/2025 21:17

YeahYeahYeahsFan · 12/03/2025 21:11

I also forget to mention; he is obsessed with the image of ‘traditional’ masculinity and being typically masculine. He thinks that even crying makes him weak, or a sin. I feel so sorry for him, he really just needs to get out of his own head…

Get out of his head you all need to get out of the cult sorry to sound blunt op but ive seen so many hurt because of religion not just gay people.
But young women that have cant have an abortion even if its rape its wrong and disgusting i say this because it happened to husbands cousin and she was forced to keep a child after what she went through.
Thats not religion its control and a cult.