Mil and step-grandchild

[SpanishFork]

My eldest daughter is nine and does not see her father or any members of his family. This is their choice.

I do not expect my in-laws in any way to make up for this but to treat her kindly and respectfully and the same as any other children when they are all present.

She has a condition which is not life threatening but is on occasion painful. Around 80% of children do not go on to suffer with this as adults. We have to go to hospital every three to six months so I have to take time off and an appointment with travel and waiting around takes most of the day.

I was absolutely delighted when an appointment came through on a Saturday. My husband was going to a game so rather than drag my five year old along she was left with my mother-in-law.

Well on Saturday everything went our way and we were in and out of the hospital in just under an hour.

We arrived at in-laws who were completely shocked that we were so early. They were having a full on party lunch with all of their actual grandchildren including a 20 year old who had come down from Durham for the occasion. They had had a photo session the lot.

I was eventually offered a tea and my eldest daughter stood by my youngest at the table. She was offered nothing. I took both of them home. They begged me to leave youngest so she could spend time with her cousins. Youngest started crying.

DH who was with his brother, cousin and friend was going to collect daughter after the match but I thought as I was so unexpectedly early I would do it and he could go for a drink.

God that’s long. Sorry!

The in-laws did this deliberately thinking my eldest would be out of the picture. I am absolutely upset. DH can’t see what my problem is.

I can’t quite believe what I have just read

I mean it’s true.

Bit like when people say marry the man marry the family. Nobody marries their husband to take on his family. They love him regardless of them. They are the well if that’s what it takes to have the person I love then I’ll deal with it often.

Far too many parents / stepparents seem to go into this blindly which is bizarre for the one with a child as they already have one failed family unit. Thinking with hearts over heads. Hearts over their child’s best interests.

Lets face it single parents can have a partner they don’t have to live with. A person they can have sex with. This person doesn’t have to live with their child. They don’t need either of them to add more children to a miss mash family.

You’d think you’d try to find better after one disappointment / failure but many or rather most children with a step parent are just submitted to a mediocre home with that parent at best rather than a good one.

yes good or even brilliant exist but they are the needle in a haystack and the parents always spout it works my step kids love me. My children love their step parent. Ask the child as an adult where there won’t be issues from admitting the truth, often after having their own children or once their parent dies when they feel they can finally say what they feel.

Most at best tolerated it, the majority hated it and despised it and would never submit their children to it. A few enjoyed or liked but would often of still rather not of have additional “parents” the unicorns had such shit parent their step was actually better but that’s not exactly a good thing either is it. A parent so shit.

I’m curious what you can’t believe? You presumably married your own husband understanding that he behaves as he does, how insult test you is fixed and you chose the marriage cos all dynamic worked for you? If you have child going into this your responsibility is to make sure all this also works for your child, if it does not then yes you as the parent remove your child from that situation. Honestly I think if bio parents went into marriages feeing that their own child is their responsibility (and their ex’s) then there would be far less breakdown of second marriages. IMO it is irresponsible of parents to expect second marriages will eliminate failures of earlier ones. No. Your child is your responsibility and if you want your spouse to take equal burden you get them to adopt, otherwise it’s bio parents at the coalface.

FFS! It was her in-laws house!! I’m sure people who are pleasant otherwise would mind if a child is fed a slice of pizza or something!! Op could have left and done something fun with the elder child? Like a mini spa session , nails, lunch outside or just an ice cream?

OPs problem is that the elder child’s dad’s family is not interested. She feels entitled to getting that from her current in-laws. It would have been really nice if they did, but if they don’t, it doesn’t necessarily make them bad people, as long as they are civil and polite.

Op, don’t try to use the younger one to armtwist in-laws into treating the older one as their own. It won’t work and both will lose out. For future, be prepared for in-laws to leave some inheritance to their grandkids.

I’m grateful I don’t know any step families like the ones you supposedly know

I’m so sorry Op. It’s a horrible situation and painful for you. It’s a problem inherent in all step families though and those who don’t experience it are very lucky and not in the majority by any means. It’s something we need to factor in when we take on new relationships I feel. It’s not right but it’s just the way it is sometimes. What to do about it though? We’ll - essentially it’s your responsibility. I would suggest making extra special efforts with the eldest to spend wonderful quality time with her doing things she particularly enjoys. Make he feel valued, loved and appreciated in really special ways yourself. In other words compensate the best you personally can for the lack of input from her birth father and his family. Make special friends with families of kids she especially likes too. Build her own world of people who genuinely notice and appreciate her in her own right. It takes effort but it will be far more meaningful and helpful than trying to force people who just don’t basically feel inclined to. You’ll find it easier and more satisfying in the long run too.

Absolutely.

My IL treat my kid a bit like this and it's their own GC! You are decidedly NBU.

To not offer a plate to anyone who turns up to a buffet lunch is extremely rude. It doesn't matter who they are. I'd have been pleasantly surprised you were early and invited you to have something to eat. Because I'm human. And I agree that they saw it as an opportunity to have all their GC there without your eldest.

Your DH needs to step in and point out that this is his DD now. He's the one bringing her up and who she calls Daddy. His parents need to respect that and include her, or not include any of you, including DH. You are one unit.

Horrible. Children should be included, regardless of the womb they were born from. It’s not up to the new family to make up for the father’s family’s failings, but it is really heartless to not embrace children.

I exchange Christmas cards with my sister’s husband’s parents every year. And every year, they include a photo of their grandchildren. One of their DCs is divorced and remarried—the stepgrandchildren were probably 11 and 13 at the time of the marriage. Ever since the marriage, the stepgrandchildren have been included in the grandchildrens’ photos—it’s lovely, and it’s inclusive. I don’t see any downsides to including children and making them feel welcome in the family that their mother married into.

Do you include a lot of children you know for special days you do for your own children? Or are the rules different for you 😂

Random kids from off the street? No. Family kids who aren’t related to me by blood? Yes.

I'd be telling DH and PIL that both children are treated the same because it's unfair to treat them differently, you're a blended family and the important people are the kids here!
FWIW I'm in my 50's now and my mums side I had loads of cousins, as she was one of four children. I didn't even know til I was in my 30's that one of my older cousins wasn't 'blood' ... I assumed it was me just not realising but turned out my brother didn't know either! she always has been and always will be my cousin, 100%

My daughter does not call DH Daddy. He isn’t her father. Some posters think I am trying to erase the past but I am not.

The girls are treated the same in our house and they are treated the same in the house of in-laws when we call round, but I have noticed they don’t buy her birthday presents but she hasn’t mentioned it. The present she receives at Christmas is not comparable to my younger child’s or her cousins.

I would never stop my younger daughter seeing her grandparents or her cousins but feel sad that they wouldn’t include my elder daughter.

My DH doesn’t see anything wrong with his parents treating their grandchildren as long as nobody was rude to my elder girl.

He takes her places and collects her from school etc.

They wouldn’t see that they were excluding my daughter on Saturday, they would see it as an opportunity to see their real grandchildren (maybe even thinking they were doing her a favour so she wouldn’t be jealous) I don’t know. She literally held the chair of her sister while looking at the bounty the others were having. I can’t erase that image. DH asked if I expected him to tell them they couldn’t invite their grandchildren to their house.

I can’t do anything about this. If they changed it would be under duress. He is clearly bored of this discussion about something he thinks is inconsequential.

I do thinks it’s very very poor form that they don’t buy her a birthday gift. Even a £10 in a card. That’s not good.

But it seems that your dh included see her as your child and not family as your dh is fully onboard with it all including birthday present issue. So I guess the Christmas present only happens because they are giving gifts to lots of people so it would be noticed. Guess as well they probably don’t even know when her birthday is roughly.

Surely you saw how they treated her before you decided to have a child with him?

Your older daughter was obviously upset at being excluded from the party at your in-laws and that was hard for you to witness.

There isn't anything that you can do apart from just accept that this is how they are and maybe spend more time with your side of the family where both children are treated equally.

Your husband is being a bit insensitive and dismissive and obviously thinks that you are making a fuss about nothing. However, I'm if someone treated his daughter in this way, he probably wouldn't be happy to see her being upset.

I agree that I would be spending more time with your own parents and family. Do you have an aunt or godmother figure who could take your eldest under her wing a bit and take a special interest in her?

They wouldn’t see that they were excluding my daughter on Saturday, they would see it as an opportunity to see their real grandchildren (maybe even thinking they were doing her a favour so she wouldn’t be jealous) I don’t know.

It’s good that you can see that they weren’t deliberately trying to be unkind, especially as so many responses are determined that they are evil people. This is why you need to try and accept that you shouldn’t have shown up early to take your daughter away from her grandparents when you knew they’d want to spend time together. Then you can stop blaming your in laws for all this and move on politely so that your youngest daughter and your husband aren’t stuck in the middle.

She literally held the chair of her sister while looking at the bounty the others were having. I can’t erase that image.

This is something that is representing a lot of hurt for you for much wider reasons than your in laws inviting their grandchildren round. You probably need to think about why you’re so upset by this, because I expect you don’t feel this bad about every other get together that you or your daughter aren’t invited to. You

DH asked if I expected him to tell them they couldn’t invite their grandchildren to their house.

He has a point. What do you expect him to do?

What’s your relationship like with the in laws usually? It’s likely that they see your dd as an extension of you, their DIL, so the relationship you have with them will affect the relationship she has with them.

I don’t think either OP or PIL covered themselves in glory here. I think by over-reacting OP has made elder daughter even more aware of any issues, upset her younger daughter needlessly and made an issue out of her spending time with her extended family. PIL should have been more forthcoming that they had made this plan and mentioned it to OP or her DH. Though I wonder if they didn’t because they knew OP would be upset that her eldest was not invited. Nevertheless, once they turned up they should have tried to be welcoming.

Though it seems your eldest was offered food by someone- not sure why you felt it had to be MIL. It does sound like it was awkward when you arrived unexpectedly. I suspect that the awkward atmosphere was not just because of PIL- but also because you were upset that your elder daughter was not included in this get together originally, and would have been upset whether your MIL had offered her food or not. The issue for you, OP, is that this get to together of the grandchildren did not include her and you desperately want them to have wanted to include her.

From your PIL perspective, I doubt this was malicious- they thought it would be nice to have their dgc together. They organised it on a date you had asked them to look after your DD, as you were taking elder DD to the hospital. As far as they knew, you’d be spending the rest of the day with her and DH would pick up your DD later on. I cannot imagine they thought you would not know about it at any point- they would have to know that a 5 year old would probably be excited to tell you about a fun day with all her cousins. Which makes me wonder if it was all that covert/extensively pre-planned.

They either literally didn’t think anything of it other than “won’t it be nice for all the dhc to be together”- because presumably they didn’t think your 5 year old DD would not say anything about what had happened when she was with her grandparents, so knew you would be aware at some point. And were then surprised when you turned up and both you and DD were obviously upset. Or they thought this was the easiest way to do it without because causing upset to anyone.

Alternatively perhaps they mentioned to one of the older dgc that they were looking after your DD and they said they’d like to come down to see them, and it snowballed from there and everyone ended up coming. They then thought “might as well get some pizza’s in too”, to make it a bit special.

Actually, it’s lovely that your younger DD got to spend time with her cousins. I think it’s a shame it ended the way it did, and might make it awkward the next time they are together.

I think that you really need to take a step back and work out what is reasonable. You can’t expect them to automatically feel toward your eldest DD as they do towards their DGC. You have said they are kind to her and generally treat her well. I think this is all you can ask- your DH is not her dad, does not call him or view him as dad- I think it fair enough that his parents are not expected to be her grandparents either. So, I think you should absolutely expect them to be kind to her and treat her well, but not to expect exactly the same relationship between them and your elder daughter as they have with your younger.

If your eldest DD’s grandparents are involved, would you be demanding they involve your younger DD in everything they did together? I doubt it, and the same applies here. You should not negatively impact your younger DD’s relationship with her grandparents. Bridges to be mended in both sides here, in my opinion.

The OP's DH doesn't facilitate his DM spending time with his youngest. The GM doesn't want to spend time with the youngest so much that she includes the eldest in the invitations. The OP let her DH know that she would pick up their youngest from the GPs early but he didn't bother to let them know or say don't worry, I'll pick her up later, so he clearly wasn't bothered about them having 'quality time' together. I think the OP has a lot of room to decide what's best for both of her girls and act on it.

💯 this OP. Is this an option for you? Your husband is being so insensitive here to a 9 year olds feeling and I would expect better from him.

That’s really lovely of your grandparents. It was their choice and it doesn’t make them bad grandparents or even bad people if they choose to have a close relationship only with their “blood”. Of course, I’d expect them to be polite and civil with all the children involved.

She doesn’t see him as her dad or call him dad ? Even though he’s a step dad . What does she call him ? Then she wouldn’t see them as her grandparents either . But they do treat her kindly and the same when in their company . And that’s good . That is what it will be .

Having read this thread what I don’t understand about the grandparents is why they didn’t just make OP and DD feel welcome when they turned up early. How hard would it have been to say how lovely to see you, we decided to have a bit of a party, please stay and have some food.

How did your eldest feel about it all - did it make her feel uncomfortable or did you express your feelings first? There's no judgement as to who said what - I'd have been livid had I been you but I had to learn that it's how the children feel that's most important and you've got to support them. Not a lot you can do about MIL & FIL - every child matters and every child deserves to be acknowledged and treated with manners and respect - biological or not.

Obviously you'd need DH on side if you were to speak to his parents but you wouldn't be the first who had taught them some manners even at their age.

Does DH treat both children the same?

OP kindly I can't help but wonder if your wishing for her to be taken on and treated the same has created a lot of awkwardness. The grandparents had clearly felt like they had to keep this gathering secret which is what led to the scene where you and your older DC wandered into the middle of a party you weren't expected at.

I think you and your DH need a sensible discussion about realistic expectations for your in laws and their relationship with both DCs. It's not good if they have to sneak around because they are worried about displeasing you.