To say DH can’t get a dog

[DillyDallyDella]

Like everyone else, we’re financially stretched at the moment. I brought two (anxious, rescue) cats to the relationship, he brought three (expensive!) children, and together we have a baby in nursery and a sky-high mortgage.

We pay household bills 50/50 and he’s often run out of money by the end of the month. I already buy a lot of the things the children need. I pay for my cats; he pays his child maintenance. He has higher commuting costs and also smokes.

I don’t want a dog. He says he could take it to work twice a week but that’d still leave me working from home with it on the other days.

@Sunat45degrees you need to be very clear about not getting another dog, or if the rest of the family chooses to, that you will not be caring for it.
Now I'm menopausal I am getting much better at dropping the rope. I have organised a lovely dog sitter through borrowmydoggy for the first week of our holiday and tasked DH with doing the second week. He kept trying to bring me into the loop - do I want to be in the whatsapp group with the paid dog sitter he has found ? Nope - gosh she is expensive should I find someone else - Do what you think is right dear ( which would of course be yes find someone cheaper but in the past it's been me jumping in with the new ideas) so we're left with the eye wateringly expensive sitter.
I have just dis attached, I genuinely no longer care , if no sitter is arranged I will go on holiday by myself. Same for holidays involving his extended family, I have left him to sort it out. It's the only way I can cope and it's not how I envisaged living my life.

I grew up with dogs and I like dogs. A few years ago one of my friends asked me why don't you get a dog? At the moment I am not at home every day and I like being able to go away when I feel like it. I told my friend this and I don't think it fair to leave a dog alone for long periods of the day. I know a couple who got a dog about 3 years ago, the kids were older and they had time to spend with the dog as a puppy. The dog has expensive dog food, spends a day a week in doggy daycare and spends time in kennels when the family go away. None of this is cheap but both owners wanted a dog.

In your situation I would tell your husband that he can't have a dog because he can't afford it and along with this your not going to mind the dog. I would tell him as well that your no longer going to give him your money to support his kid's when meanwhile he is spending his money smoking.

You are already working from home some days, have a baby and step children and are carrying the mental load and subbing your husband's children. Giving him money for his children needs to stop now as they are his responsibility not yours. He needs to be putting money aside for his kids for when they get older as well.
If you worked out how much money your giving him each month you probably get a shock. You need to consider your and your own child's life. Put some of that money into a pension and it may help you leave work before pension age or have some money aside for emergencies is beneficial.

I grew up with dogs and I like dogs. A few years ago one of my friends asked me why don't you get a dog? At the moment I am not at home every day and I like being able to go away when I feel like it. I told my friend this and I don't think it fair to leave a dog alone for long periods of the day. I know a couple who got a dog about 3 years ago, the kids were older and they had time to spend with the dog as a puppy. The dog has expensive dog food, spends a day a week in doggy daycare and spends time in kennels when the family go away. None of this is cheap but both owners wanted a dog.

In your situation I would tell your husband that he can't have a dog because he can't afford it and along with this your not going to mind the dog. I would tell him as well that your no longer going to give him your money to support his kid's when meanwhile he is spending his money smoking.

You are already working from home some days, have a baby and step children and are carrying the mental load and subbing your husband's children. Giving him money for his children needs to stop now as they are his responsibility not yours. He needs to be putting money aside for his kids for when they get older as well.
If you worked out how much money your giving him each month you probably get a shock. You need to consider your and your own child's life. Put some of that money into a pension and it may help you leave work before pension age or have some money aside for emergencies is beneficial.

@rookiemere Oh, I am very very very clear. And one thing that DH has ALWAYS done is the poos in the garden and he HATES it. So I add that to my list of reasons we're not getting another dog!

To be fair, DH doesn't really wnt another dog, but he wants the kids to be happy and they will claim they want another dog so he's more likely to want to give in. But tough. They also wanted a brother or sister and I refused that too (DH was fully on board with no more children too!)

A friend got a dog against her husband's wishes. And to be fair, she absolutely takes on 90% of the care etc, but I think it has caused additional tension in their relationship and while mostly I'm on her side with a few issues they have, I do find myself thinking sometimes, "you really really should not have got that dog because it's made everything worse."

Absolutely agree with this. Owning a dog is seriously expensive. If you are using a daily dog walker or doggy daycare, you are looking at probably £200 + a month. Daycare here is £25 a day, £15 for a half day. Plus food, vaccinations, fleas and worms treatments and insurance.

Yanbu.
I refused to have a dog for literally 20 years.
I had too much on my plate to take on anything else. We both worked out of the home.
Finally got a dog in January 2021. 2 of the kids had left home, 3rd child was 12 and DH permanently working from home.
Only then did I agree.
Hold firm

Have you asked why he wants a dog? Because in a household like yours sounds to be, 'just because' isn't a good enough answer. I've got a dog. I've always had dogs. But getting a dog is like having another baby, timewise and moneywise. They don't come ready trained and obedient (god knows, my ten year old Patterdale STILL isn't trained or obedient) so someone has to put the work in and you all sound too stretched to really have the time. And a dog that doesn't have the time put in is a bloody nuisance. So would he expect YOU to do the training?

Nope. Tell him he can wait a few years.

A dog is a huge responsibility both time wise and financially. Its not fair to the humans or the dog if this is not a 100 % united family agreement. You know YOU will be chief dog walker as dh has already explained. Thats 2 hours a day come rsin ir shine.
Don't do it for the Dog's sake and I am atotal dog lover myself... if he wants dog company he can volunteer to dog walk at a dog charity like the Cinnamon Trust

@DillyDallyDella Wouldn't you, your only child and your cats be better off and happier without him? He pays maintenance for his other 3 children but isn't paying anything for yours.