To say DH can’t get a dog

[DillyDallyDella]

Like everyone else, we’re financially stretched at the moment. I brought two (anxious, rescue) cats to the relationship, he brought three (expensive!) children, and together we have a baby in nursery and a sky-high mortgage.

We pay household bills 50/50 and he’s often run out of money by the end of the month. I already buy a lot of the things the children need. I pay for my cats; he pays his child maintenance. He has higher commuting costs and also smokes.

I don’t want a dog. He says he could take it to work twice a week but that’d still leave me working from home with it on the other days.

Don’t get a dog. You’ll resent it and your husband. And giving up a dog has got to be far harder than living without one.

That sounds foul!
My dog is not smelly ( her teeth are brushed daily) and she is well trained- A smelly , badly trained dog is literally odious!

@DillyDallyDella As PP have said , dogs cost a lot if kept properly.
Vet insurance is essential and a massive expense along with regular parasite treatment-
Good quality food &c
It could really upset the cats as well.

All this. Far too many people get breeds that need to be trained in at least basic manners but don’t bother. It’s a real shame.

Dogs require so much upkeep that unless you really want one and are going to get a lot of joy out of it then you shouldn’t.

I love dogs and am looking at getting one myself soon. I’m willing to put the work in and the financial side of things won’t be an issue but even I am trying to read threads like this to make sure I am absolutely certain before making such a huge commitment

Nope nope nope and I say that as someone who has a dog (very much wanted and well planned)
Your household is already hectic and although you are financially managing what would happen if HE ran out? Dog cant be not-fed, not looked after/cared for.
Has he looked at pet insurance costs? prepared for general/emergency vet bills, day to day costs, food, flea/worming /grooming ?

What about holidays? Taking a dog away restricts where you can go , days out etc, if dog isnt coming how does that affect your day/ holiday.
What about holidays abroad? Home boarding? Relying on good will of friends and family.

BUT my biggest reason for saying NO would be he's leaving you to do the majority of it's day to day care/needs on top of what you already do, youre WORKING from home and I'm assuming that most of the home and child related stuff is left to you already. There's no way I'd be adding to that work/mental load.

Absolutely not. It's not just money. This poor dog will not get proper walks and will always be put last in such a busy household. Tell him he can get one when kids are older if he still wants one.

The walking in all weathers is very true.
As is the poo picking.

Driving rain, hail, sleet, snow- the occasional heatwave where dogs need exercise early in the day or in the cool of the evening-

I lost over a stone after getting a dog because of the “enforced” daily walks- Men in couples are bad at not walking their dogs - usually it falls to the woman.

Yanbu and you have to be firm on this. No dog until his financial situation and working commitments allow him to take 100% responsibility for all its needs. Maybe once his kids are independent and he has retired. If he gets a dog any sooner than that end the relationship.

After our last dogs passed, I waited years before getting another- and actually had cold feet a day before getting her knowing what a massive commitment a dog is-

However training started on day one- The excuses people give for not training are ridiculous!

Training should be fun for both of you.

The fact that you are thinking very hard about such a massive commitment is good-

It shows you are considering the future dog’s wellbeing- You will probably be a wonderful dog owner.

A chaotic house with young children and cats and a woman working from home like OP is-
One just knows all the dog care will fall to her.

A barking, yelping puppy while she is on Zoom calls won’t go down well!

Yanbu my sd mum got them a dog. It was gone three years later and wasn't that well looked after. Loved but not looked after and I hope it's really happy in its new home.
It's a huge commitment and I've said to my dh it would be me or a dog as it's a hard no. Stand your ground

Tell you you will be open to discussing it is he gives up smoking to save the money and your babies lungs

Another one who regrets giving in and our life is a lot less busy than yours with one now grown DC.

This should be our time for spontaneous mini breaks and adventures instead every decision has to factor in (admittedly lovely)ddog with often high additional costs.I have also ramped up my career in late middle age, but annoyingly have to run my office days past DH as we only have a dog walker twice a week and I am damned if I am organising that as well as everything else.

DH realised pretty soon after getting ddog that he had made a mistake, but I told him that he is ours for life and to be fair to him he is an attentive owner, but if I gave an inch and started being main feeder and walker, he would take a bloody mile.

Your DH has 4 DCs isn't that enough for him? And he expects you to look after this imaginary dog 3 full days a week and possibly the weekend when he realises that a dog is incompatible with growing DCs social lives.

You have made it clear to him that you don't want a dog anymore and asked him to bring his dog to work every day.

We have a dog. She is lovely. She's also old. And DH and the DC really think we're getting another dog when she dies.

I honestly would get divorced and move out before I will get another dog.

Our dog costs us about £250-300 a month (admittedly, especially high due to health issues).
DH does now do a lot more of the walking, but for the vast bulk of her time with us, I have done 80% of the walking.
She's old, so the walking is fairly low effort. When she was younger or if we got a new dog, it was a lot more time and effort and could not be missed.
We have a cat. So we'd most likely have to get a puppy so that the dog could be brought up with the cat. That means more training, more effort. All of which, let's be honest, will be on me.
NO one else ever thinks about the logistics of being out of the house for hours. No one else considers the logistics of holidays. That's all on me.
No one else thinks about the food, medicine, vets appointments. Again, all on me.
While Dh will do general clean up as needed, can you guess who, if the dog did something crazy in the middle of the night always had to deal with it? Yup, you got it, that was me. I once had to mop the entire house at 2 in the morning because she'd gone out, somehow stepped in poo and tracked it through the house.

I am not getting another dog. and the children and dh can whine and complain all they like.

It sounds like you can't afford it financially and also your two cats might not get on with a dog so I would say no.

He can't afford the dependants he already has and uses you to subsidise children that aren't yours and his smoking habit.
You need to point this out to him and perhaps stop giving him money when he's puffed it all away early in the month.

He can’t get a dog if he’s only home two days a week.

First post nails it!

1. He's already drained by his child support but can't afford to buy the children other things - so he sponges off you.

2)He can't afford to buy the things you end up paying for - yet he can afford to smoke. How much family money does he spend a month on smoking?

[Smoking is an addiction. It's yet another addict putting their drug above everything else.]

3)Have you read up on how much it's going to cost you to have a dog [not him, YOU, because see 1) and 2) ]?

4. He wants to get a dog that HE won't be looking after or spending time with. You'll end up doing that. On top of your job and managing his kids. And are you expected to do laundry, food prep etc while you WFH?

All his behaviour is that of an adolescent boy, no impulse control, no sense of consequences, just I want NOW. Does this come out in any other aspect of his life?

What a selfish, demanding, irresponsible manchild you have there.

Thank you for saying that, it means a lot!

In reading this thread, I do wonder how much of the issue with owning a dog is the resentment towards other family members for not pitching in, rather than actually doing the work if that makes sense?

I am in the only adult in my house - have a primary aged DS who lives with me half of the time so I will already be prepared for the fact that it’ll all be on me. Which seems like a lot, however there will be nobody to resent for it! Nobody else in my ear ‘convincing’ me to get one and promising to do half of the walks etc and then going back on their word!

Suggest he tries borrowmydoggy.com for a bit. It’ll give him something to do with his kids that’s lovely and free. It’ll help with a bit of exercise for all.

I should imagine the shine will wear off of that on a cold wet morning though.

So much better than you being the only one who looks after and pays for the dog, which will absolutely happen.

I have a dog monthly costs are-

Food £55
Treats approx £30
Insurance £15
Flea/worm £10

Then kennels is £20 a night every time we go away. Vets is £30 a consultation plus treatment.

DDog gets 2x 45 min walks a day plus we don't leave him for more than five hours

We both grew up with dogs, and have had at least one dog for the last 20+ years.

BUT we both wanted a dog. DH likes walking them (he's out with them now). I like training them. Sometimes clearing up after them, especially when they're puppies, is bloody wearing.

Also, we don't have to pay for a walker or daycare as one of us has always either WFH or worked short hours locally. Boarding fees are astronomical once you tot them up for a week in kennels. If you're out for the day you have to work out who can come in and let the dog out, and maybe give it a short walk and some company.

Dogs are a serious longterm commitment. If you have limited flex in your household budget, a dog could easily cause big financial issues. They also burn through time - ours get through about 2 hours a day on average once you factor in exercise, feeding, cleaning bowls, washing dog bedding, trips to the vet, etc. Have you got 14 spare hours in your week?

Your need to make it crystal clear that in terms of both time and money, you can't afford a dog for several more years.

I'm reminded of someone at work workaholic probably having an affair with someone in our team whose DW said he could get a dog if he reliably put the bins out every week for 6 months. Naturally he couldn't even manage that and I doubt your sad sack of a DP could either.

Nobody else in my ear ‘convincing’ me to get one and promising to do half of the walks etc and then going back on their word!

I think this is the thing. Often the people agitating for the dog, are also the people who won't be taking responsibilty for the dog. I have always had cats, the responsibility is, obviously, significantly less, but I've never resented it becuase I was the one who wanted the cat and therefore I was the one who stepped up to do the work. Even with this dog - I agreed to get her so I don't resent it as much, but now, 10 years down the line, I am TIRED of the work and I don't want to do it anymore after she goes and I am not going to do it. Just like I was never that woman who with two children in their tweens/teens, suddenly thought "Ooh, I'd like another baby". I'd done the work, I was happy to do the work, but then I was done with the work and I was not even going to consider doing it again.

I wouldnt do dogs again either, we inherited my parents dog (which they could no longer cope with) pre children and DH worked nights so it was pretty easy owning one small dog.

But after he died, we signed up for another dog (foxy) when DD was young. Again managable when DH worked shifts, but then DH died and I was up at 5am walking said dog and his vet costs increased. By that point he was quite elderly and also a lovely dog, and DD adored him so I didnt have the heart to rehome him after everything we had been through but it was a financial and logistical struggle.

He also got hit by car once which cost us a small fortune, and this was 20 years ago...