To say DH can’t get a dog

[DillyDallyDella]

Like everyone else, we’re financially stretched at the moment. I brought two (anxious, rescue) cats to the relationship, he brought three (expensive!) children, and together we have a baby in nursery and a sky-high mortgage.

We pay household bills 50/50 and he’s often run out of money by the end of the month. I already buy a lot of the things the children need. I pay for my cats; he pays his child maintenance. He has higher commuting costs and also smokes.

I don’t want a dog. He says he could take it to work twice a week but that’d still leave me working from home with it on the other days.

I’d say let’s revisit the topic once we’ve had our budgeting under control for 12 months in a row. Perhaps he could do some dogwalking to bring in some extra cash until then.

👏

He can't even afford his lifestyle now!

Regardless of financial situation i think getting a dog really needs to be a joint decision because it’s a big commitment. That’s basically irrelevant though because he can’t afford one.

How would he pay for his kids if you weren’t subsidising him?

I gave in. (Kids at 10 and 11 gave me a list of 20 reasons we should get a dog).
I regret it. I told them it would be a burden, couldn't be left more than 5 hours at a stretch. Would cost us the equivalent of a holiday every year.
We got the dog. He costs a lot of money, takes up a lot of time, and now we are winding down towards the end of his life 13 years on, I get to do the medications, ointments, etc, etc, etc. I hate it. Kids are finishing up uni, never here. I resent every moment spent walking him - purely because I have become the default. I do his life admin by default (booking vet, groomers, kennels) and feeding, fresh watering, walking, medicating, brushing, cleaning up after it is never ending.

And I knew it would happen this way. Despite the promises. I wish I was back at the start of the journey. I'd say no a bit stronger.

Dogs aren’t cheap. How is he planning to afford this?

purchase price
insurance
worming tablets
training
toys
treats
equipment - bed, collar, leads etc

Tell him to join borrow my doggy - that way we get an occasional doggy fix and have several different ones when owner away etc , without the cost or commitment- I enjoy having them and it suits us and the lovely owners

Money will never convince anyone anyone to not buy a dog because most people who don’t know about dogs will decide the dog won’t need to go to the vet that often, they won’t need Insurance, they’ll buy supermarket dog food etc etc until they’ve convinced you it actually pays to own the dog😅 you are more likely to convince on the ‘what if we want to go away, what if you’d like to go out for the day’, what if the kids don’t get on with the dog etc etc.

What breed does he want? There’s a huge difference between getting something low maintenance and cheap and something like a cockerpoo or a Goldie…

TBH regardless, if you don’t want one then it’s a no. Both adults have to be on board and dogs and small children do not mix in busy households (as a breeder I don’t sell to anyone with a child under a certain age)

If you're shelling out for things for his children, because he's spent his money on fags and can't budget from one month to the next, ask him to explain how he can afford a dog?

Include all food, vets bills, insurance, and a pet sitter for the three days a week he won't be taking it to work.

He can't afford a dog.

Just like having another child, getting a pet has to be a decision everyone agrees to, or it shouldn’t happen.
You’re especially not being unreasonable here as you’d be the one doing a lot of the care for the dog, plus he can’t afford it. My answer in your position would be an unequivocal NO.

This is ridiculous. Is he a child? No responsible adult would reason this way. He can't afford his current lifestyle, yet he wants to bring in an expensive and sentient pet into this? There is no way a dog would benefit from living with him. You also already have two cats, there is no guarantee that they will be safe from this dog.

Honestly, how can you even be attracted to a man who can't even sustain himself or his children independently?

This is how I fear it’d end up for us too.

I grew up with cats and dogs, then didn’t have any pets from when I left home as a teenager til I bought my first property in my late 20s. I love my cats but I wouldn’t rush out to get more once they’re no longer with us (and they’re very low maintenance).

DH and I are both from farming/rural backgrounds and dogs are a way of life, but we don’t live that life now, and I can’t see many positives.

I love dogs. I have my own. But you are definitely not being unreasonable.

A dog takes time, money & effort. If he would only take it to work 2 days a week, that's very little effort. He obviously also does not have extra time or money.

He can't afford stuff at the end of the month, but I bet he always has his cigarettes. He needs to cut down or give up smoking. Or find other expenses of his that can be cut. Adding a new dog into this would be ridiculous. And a lot of extra work and cost for you.

To add, I have a small rescue dog that I have had for 9 years. Last year he cost me just under £6K and I don't even need dog walkers/doggy daycare as I work from home. He did have a couple of unexpected vet bills though even though he's insured, which is something you have always be prepared to pay for.

Just like having another child, getting a pet has to be a decision everyone agrees to, or it shouldn’t happen.

You have to say no. You don't want a dog, therefore it shouldn't happen. The whole household needs to be 100% committed. You are not.

YANBU, it has to be a joint decision. Dogs are a HUGE commitment! (And expensive.) You already have 4 children between you, and a high mortgage. Is your DH normally so immature and irresponsible?!

Show him this - the PDSA on the true cost of owning a dog:

https://www.pdsa.org.uk/pet-help-and-advice/looking-after-your-pet/puppies-dogs/the-cost-of-owning-a-dog

Also calculate how much family money he's coughing away on smoking.

Then share all that with the kids' mother.

Why on earth would it have anything to do with my SC’s mother? 😂

@JFDIYOLO whilst a lovely idea, that calculator is really inaccurate and wildly out of date and actually works against OP!

Idiots, or people so desperate for a dog like OP's DH, will look at the minimum cost of a large dog (for example) - because they will do anything to convince themselves they deserve a dog - and see this sort of math:

£6,900, divided by 10 (lets take that as an average life expectancy of a larger breed) = £690 a year.
£690 divided by 12 (for the months) = £57 a month.

Even at the top end £15,500, divided by 10 (Years) = £1,550 a year. Divided by 12 (Months) = £129 a month.

Those figures are just so wildly inaccurate for a large dog I don't even know where to begin.

My youngest is two and costs me well over £250 a month. Even his monthly insurance is more than £57 a month. God's know where PDSA got their figures from because even 10 years ago, let alone the 2023 numbers they are quoting, there was no way £129 a month would take care of a large dog.

If only one family member is saying no, that’s a no all around.

I work from home and have a lovely dog (joint decision between myself and DH) but as I’m home, naturally I do all the walking, feeding and general care. When I go into the office, I organise for the dog walkers to come in, all the dog admin is down to me. All the training is also down to me.

I love having a dog, and I love doing all of the above. He costs me a fortune (pet insurance alone is more than my car and house insurance combined) but I made the decision to have him, and I enjoy taking care of him. All of the above would be hell for anyone who doesn’t want a dog!

Normally, I feel it's wrong to refuse to consider having a pet in the house if your spouse wants one, but there are some caveats, and you have plenty of legitimate reasons for not wanting to add a dog to the household. There's not enough spare money, time, or attention in your lives for a dog, and it would be a bad idea to get one now. I'd say he needs to put it off for a while, at least.

Don’t get a dog . Also I would tell him that you won’t be paying for his children.
If his kids live with you even part time you are effectively paying for some of hot water and electricity etc they use

Yes, I said upthread my small terrier costs me at least £200 a month. I do t see how those figures can be remotely true!