To give silent treatment to wife

[Crownpaints]

My wife uses silent treatment as a form of punishment towards everyone. Me, my family, her family, mutual friends, colleagues and her own friends.

Its a particularly nasty form of silent treatment, where she will turn her face away from the person speaking and pretend they don't exist, rather than giving one word answers and generally not speaking to someone.

We have lost a lot of friends / family through this.

I have always tried to maintain open communication with her when she is giving me the silent treatment. I will always try to start a conversation. I'll stop if she doesn't want to talk and try the next day. However, this makes me feel pathetic and weak.

We have been married for 11 years and her silent treatment has become worse over time, and we are setting a horrible example for our children.

Financial issues and housing are the only thing keeping us together at this point.

I feel like giving her a dose of her own medicine. She is giving me the silent treatment now and I haven't tried to initiate conversation with her but I feel terrible because it's making the situation worse.

Horrible my mother does it too. When she got told no usually. It could last days. She 80s now still at it. Its not nice at all

My ex used to do it. He did 6wks once. That’s why he is my ex. I would leave personally.

Why are you wasting your lives, being together in this sense of toxicity?

Rather than perpetuating this awful, unhealthy environment for your children, spend your energies on finding a way to separate.

Manipulation 101.

Toxic behaviours. She probably has more...

https://safelives.org.uk/about-domestic-abuse/what-is-domestic-abuse/psychological-abuse/

Start here... no one deserves toxic. Start to learn how to identify it, how to address it.

I think I have enabled it. I never stood my ground and told her it was unacceptable. I just kept giving in.

Doing that won’t help your DC. You’ve tolerated it for a long time: why?

How childish!

she’s a mum and should be setting a good example of how t9 deal with her emotions.

i wouldn’t stay with someone like hating however I also wouldn’t leave our children in her care, that’s neglectful behaviour she is displaying.

Today that stops.

You can change your surroundings, you can make boundaries, you can make a difference.

Just because you enabled in the past, that doesn't mean you can't change.

I mean feel free to give it back but its the beginning of the end of any cordial relationship.

No change of couples counselling?

What's her take on the loss of friends and family? Does she reflect on it at all? And surely she risks disciplinary action if her behaviour towards colleagues is seen as bullying or toxic?

Don't blame yourself.

She knows it's toxic and wrong.

What can you do about it? Can you leave with the dc?

It's also called stonewalling and is abusive.
Have you had conversations about it?

Start here

www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/invisible-bruises/202411/stonewalling-as-a-form-of-emotional-abuse?amp

Grew up in a household like this but the other way around

Do your kids a favour and LEAVE. I’d have rather been poor than live in that horrible thick atmosphere.

It ranges from being upset they no longer speak to belief it's their fault and she has done nothing wrong.

That’s awful, glad you got away.

You're in an abusive relationship unfortunately. Is there any way you can separate and protect your children from the impact of this behaviour?

This was my situation with my, now ex dh.

I gave up like you are suggesting and it didn't help, just meant it carried on, but it did make me feel slightly better. I'd carry on as normal, take the dc out, see friends and basically carry on with life but not speak to my ex. The first time he did start talking to me earlier than normal, I think he was just surprised. The subsequent times it went back to normal and he'd sulk. But I'd get angry when he decided the silent treatment was over as he'd 'expect' me to snap back into normality. That was the end for me, when I realised it was all on his terms. I left and I've never been happier , I like to think I. Is set a good example to my dc on communication.

This. Such an empowering post. And, it goes for not just this situation but many that you'll encounter in life.

You can stop enabling today. For example , when the kids are not present you can go and tell her that her behaviour is outrageous and you are starting to make plans to end the marriage.

This is awful . She sounds very spoilt selfish childish person.
If they are fine losing so many people and obviously convinced they are always in the right . Then I don't think they will change.
You need to make a decision and stick to it. They really won't change.
No point having this for the rest of your life.
Also does she do it to your children? What an awful example to set.
Will she does marriage therapy. Maybe they could get her to see how abusive it is.
Get her to read this thread .
Whatever you decide to do . Definitely don't try to fix it or grovel and so on . It's what she expects you to do

My mother used to do this. She could sulk for days. Then my ExH used to do it. Like you OP I couldn’t stand the atmosphere and used to give in and apologise (even though half the time I didn’t know what I had done wrong) to keep the peace. I used to be on tenter hooks every morning not knowing what mood he was going to wake up in.
As soon as I gave up trying to smooth things over - so whenever he was sulking with me I would just say cheerfully “right I’m off to bed” and spend the evening by myself, it was the beginning of the end and we are now divorced. I now live alone and it is BLISS! Nobody’s moods to navigate through.

@Crownpaints so she doesnt think there is anything wrong with totally blanking people??? in what world does she ever think this is acceptable behaviour?

It’s incredibly toxic behaviour. Do you have children OP? If so, they’ll piss her off at some point and she will do this to them.

I get you wanting to give her a taste of her own medicine but imo don’t waste your time and more to the point your life. Just end it.

My dh was raised in house like this and it fucked up his abilities to understand and process emotions. He grew up learning any 'negative' emotions he displayed resulted in a consequence of him being frozen out (by either parent). He is terrible at confrontation as a result and bottles up all of his feelings until he doesn't know what to do with himself. It's taken many years of living with someone (me) who doesn't react that way for him to slowly improve, but I believe he'll never fully recover from it. That's what you're allowing for your kids I'm afraid. You should leave.

It is abusive. Your reaction is why she does it. It works for her, she gets something from it - control.

Don't tolerate it any more. If she's not prepared to engage as an adult and communicate and behave properly, you should leave. Life is better without abuse. I speak from experience.