To give silent treatment to wife

[Crownpaints]

My wife uses silent treatment as a form of punishment towards everyone. Me, my family, her family, mutual friends, colleagues and her own friends.

Its a particularly nasty form of silent treatment, where she will turn her face away from the person speaking and pretend they don't exist, rather than giving one word answers and generally not speaking to someone.

We have lost a lot of friends / family through this.

I have always tried to maintain open communication with her when she is giving me the silent treatment. I will always try to start a conversation. I'll stop if she doesn't want to talk and try the next day. However, this makes me feel pathetic and weak.

We have been married for 11 years and her silent treatment has become worse over time, and we are setting a horrible example for our children.

Financial issues and housing are the only thing keeping us together at this point.

I feel like giving her a dose of her own medicine. She is giving me the silent treatment now and I haven't tried to initiate conversation with her but I feel terrible because it's making the situation worse.

I feel like giving her a dose of her own medicine. She is giving me the silent treatment now and I haven't tried to initiate conversation with her but I feel terrible because it's making the situation worse.

your children need a parent that isn't an abuser, although it would be really tempting to treat your wife the same - this is a toxic way to behave and you doing the same would increase the toxic household. Far better to take the children and leave, or sit down and explain you'll not be accepting this behaviour as its not acceptable and poisonous for the rest of the household.

Ah, but they DIDN'T actually follow the "rule", you see. The rule was they were supposed to come back grovelling and begging for her forgiveness, regardless of whether they had a clue what they were supposed to have done. Instead of which they decided life was actually a lot more peaceful without her crap, and left it. (Much easier when you don't live with the stonewaller, obviously). And in her head it's entirely their fault, for not responding as they should have done.

I would give your wife an ultimatum. Behaving in this way is cruel and toxic. My own mother was an expert, combining it with "divide and rule". My father, my siblings and I were her victims. She could sulk for England.
We all left home at the earliest opportunity. When I first got together with my future husband I caught myself doing the same thing to him. It was a wake up call. I remembered the hurt and never did it again. She could sulk for so long that she never knew my sister, who lived in the same town, was pregnant until someone mentioned it to her just before the birth.
She ruined so many family gatherings that we stopped having them until after her death. I still have to remind myself that they are joyful occasions now.

My ex did this (tip of a much deeper iceberg). Could go on for weeks and weeks. Didn't matter what I did, try and talk to him, ignore him back, it didn't make any difference. His excuse when he eventually would start talking to me was that it was my fault as I hadn't held an in depth discussion with him. And there was no point having a superficial conversation, so why would he respond to hi, or would you like a cup of tea or I'm off to work, have a nice day etc.
Anyhow, eventually he started doing the same to the kids. He didn't speak to one of them for 2 weeks when he disagreed with their GCSE choices.
We left. I should have left a lot earlier.

Its awful. Unfortunately years of my dad pandering to it has her this way.. op she prob wont change now.

Whats being done to hurt her so much?

This sounds like someone who's experienced a lot of nastiness, and when she feels hurt she just doesn't speak to the person doing so

Imagine someone deliberately hurts you, then insists on speaking to you as normal afterwards 😭

If you've caused an argument and are to blame, I'd try apologising and making sure it doesn't happen again. If it's something you and others are repeatedly doing, what do you expect?

I'm estranged from my family and they act exactly this way- if I saw them tomorrow, they'd try and speak to me and then turn to everyone when I ignore them and say 'see, she's so difficult, this is why she has noone' 😭😭

No mention of their bullying or abuse 😄

Yabvu and I feel for your wife as she seems to have noone. I wonder if she's on mumsnet, a safe place for her, and you've posted this for her to see.

What?

Which way do you want it. Which way does she want it?

You say your family are abusers… and you are NC with them. That seems logical to me.
If OP’s wife also refuses to acknowledge the presence of those whom she feels are her abusers… why is she still in a relationship with him/her children if she finds them all so intolerable?

Maybe she is here and feels a world of hurt- she needs to very carefully read the testimony of those of us who describe how awful it is to be married to this behaviour and how happy we are to have removed ourselves and our children from it. She needs to very rapidly start to use her words, and get herself, or herself plus her spouse to therapy.

I think you need to talk to her about it openly. And possbly leave if she really can't understand her behaviour is unpleasant. She'll do it to the kids eventually. Imagine that.

Your children are watching, they feel just as uneasy as you if not more so, stonewalling is up there with the most destabilising of abusive behaviour. It is insiduous and difficult to call out, but you must for their sake.

Of all the bullshit my ex husband pulled, it was the atmosphere he created when ignoring me while punishing me for some perceived slight, that really was the worst, and that is what drove me to leave because I couldn't in all good conscience make the children live in that atmosphere and show them I was putting up with it, or have them think it was ok.

It's not your fault, but it is your responsibility to do soemthing about to make a change for them.

My ex was like this for decades, it creates a horrible toxic environment. They think they can do it because they hold the power in the relationship. Funnily enough, as soon as I told ex I was leaving, he never did it again.
OP, maybe your wife thinks she holds all the power and does this because she thinks you'll never leave. So you might want to think about your future here.

It has been insanely hard to go no contact with my family and took a long time to understand what needed to be done

The op says they can't leave their wife for various reasons. The reasons apply to her too. Maybe she's not ready to leave yet. Maybe she hasn't understood the power of just going her own way, and has resigned herself to being digged at and taken the piss out of

If I'm right, and she is on here:

There's no shame in being alone. It hurts so much, but 5 years later, I'm still alive and feel so much better ❤️

Edit @GuevarasBeret

@mumofoneAlonebutokay

If what follows sounds glib, it really is not meant to.

It does sound like we agree the current situation is untenable.
We possibly disagree as to whether and what blame should be allocated.

I don’t think we fundamentally disagree on the actions the OP should take. (End the relationship, protect the children from abusive behaviours, let an unhappy woman be free to live her own best life as she sees fit)
I think we disagree as to how OP should view himself - you think it is more likely that he is himself the primary abuser, and her behaviour is reactive to this. I am not closed to that idea, but he is the one here and I have just taken his words at face value. If he is lying about his part then he is a liar, but the relationship seems unsalvageable either way. If his wife is here, and she recognizes the “twisty” nature of his posts then, she knows it isn’t her (or all her) but the advice to end the relationship stands. Having been through a divorce I can say that efforts to have blame allocated as you would like, is a complete waste of time. You have to drop the rope on this point.

Do we know the OP is a “ he” ?

My advice would be for you to find counseling for yourself. It will hopefully be very validating for you, and will also help you learn ways to deal with it. A good therapist could also help you find to protect the children from this toxicity in the home atmosphere.

If your wife won't accept that she's the common factor in all the NC and alienation that has happened with friends and family, you need to accept that you're very likely dealing with a narcissist. If she won't acknowledge her central role in all the relationship breakdowns in her wake, I urge you to consider that there's never a perfect time to separate, and see a solicitor.

Yeah we just disagree girl

For me, I read the op a certain way. It's so clear that the wife is hurt and upset but not what about. I cant help but feel for the op's wife and wish her well

It's awful being in a situation where people don't love you. You see the love and acceptance they give to others but its never afforded to you, or it is done half heartedly so they don't look bad

Imo she needs to really take stock because this situation isn't working and she sounds like she's on her own. If possible, I would write down the digs and comments that have hurt her, so they're there. And then find a way to move on and heal.

She will lose the 'friends' and family that will claim she's exhausted them, but actually just want rid.

She may even lose the interest of her children, who will take a side. I can't imagine how much that would hurt.

But when the people around you just don't love you, and manipulate and pick on you, freedom is the best option.

The situation is untenable. I wonder whether a short, sharp shock might be in order when the children aren’t about. Something like ‘I know you can hear me. This is abusive. You are killing our marriage and damaging our children. I will stay with you and help you through this if you agree to go to counselling, but I’m currently 24 hrs away from calling a solicitor to initiate divorce proceedings and seek full custody of the children. So I suggest you think very carefully whether you want our marriage to go the way of all the other relationships you’ve lost through your sulking’.

Errr... maybe OP is practicing the silent treatment ..... with us.....

Has no-one ever told her to grow up and stop sulking like a six year old?

Nope. I couldn't be with anyone that can't communicate effectively. She's being a twat

Rubbish.

It is in no way normal to stop talking to your spouse for weeks at a time.

Even if the OP said something to hurt his wife (which is pure conjecture, you have zero proof this happened), then that still doesn't explain her not even saying hello to him.

Why are you so invested in trying to make the OP into the bad guy in the situation?

It's in no way rubbish

Until you've been picked on and belittled by those who are supposed to care for you, it may be hard to understand

The op has not said why their wife is giving them the silent treatment

Everyone here is drawing conclusions. There has to be something done that's hurt her, and it's clear to me that she isn't strong enough to actually walk away from the situations that cause her pain

People don't just go silent for no reason. There has to be a trigger, and I suspect that the op's wife has a lot of them 😪

Hope she gets the help and strength she needs to go it alone

Leave and take the kids with you.

I agree, people don't just go silent for no reason. But the reason can be that they're selfish, manipulative, and have a very unhealthy communication style.

Giving someone the silent treatment is recognised as a form of abuse. It is not ok.

The OP hasn't written anything to justify you putting the blame on him.

I'm just proposing a different point of view tbh - something has happened to the wife to make her feel she is on her own and can't talk to people when she's upset - the fact that it isn't included makes me want to hear her side

I feel for her 😔 - if she is on mumsnet, and it is a safe place for her, i hope she sees my kind words for her

My DH complains that I give him the silent treatment. I don't actually, not on purpose. I am autistic and when I am upset I just can't talk - I have to shut myself away.