To give silent treatment to wife

[Crownpaints]

My wife uses silent treatment as a form of punishment towards everyone. Me, my family, her family, mutual friends, colleagues and her own friends.

Its a particularly nasty form of silent treatment, where she will turn her face away from the person speaking and pretend they don't exist, rather than giving one word answers and generally not speaking to someone.

We have lost a lot of friends / family through this.

I have always tried to maintain open communication with her when she is giving me the silent treatment. I will always try to start a conversation. I'll stop if she doesn't want to talk and try the next day. However, this makes me feel pathetic and weak.

We have been married for 11 years and her silent treatment has become worse over time, and we are setting a horrible example for our children.

Financial issues and housing are the only thing keeping us together at this point.

I feel like giving her a dose of her own medicine. She is giving me the silent treatment now and I haven't tried to initiate conversation with her but I feel terrible because it's making the situation worse.

I'd leave. It's abusive, controlling and infantile. Who wants to be with someone like that?

Leave. She’s so abusive.

You’ll probably find you get all those friends and family back…

It's an appalling way to treat someone you're supposed to love.

I understand as it's my family's default position. My B hasn't spoken to me for 4 years now.

The only way I know how to deal with it is not to rise to it and carry on without her. As pp said, go out with the kids or other members of your family and have a nice time without her.

My grandma used to do this. It really affected my mum's childhood. The whole family would be walking on eggshells for days/weeks trying to work out who/what had offended her with different people apologising for potential wrongs. It's no way for kids to grow up.

I'm another one who is amazed that she has managed to keep her job if she treats colleagues this way. Does she/would she dare to try it with her boss or others who are senior to her?

There are accommodations that could be made in many workplaces for people who are genuinely non-verbal; but for somebody who can speak perfectly well but frequently just decides they're too good to speak to others at work, I wouldn't tolerate that as a boss or colleague at all.

I voted YABU because although I understand your reasoning for wanting to “give her some of her own medicine” I don’t think you should stoop to her level. Please just leave, you deserve better.

I replied earlier but just wanted to add

1. Everyone is entitled to relationships which are free from abuse.
2. Everyone is entitled to end a relationship, and does not require the permission of the other person to do so.

'I really think you need to grow a backbone here. She is emotionally abusive and your children should be protected from that.'

'You need to stand up for yourself.'

'My mother behaved like this. Strangely I blame my father more for not protecting us'

So many awful, victim blaming comments.

People in abusive relationships don't need to grow a backbone. The person behaving in such a shit way needs to change their behaviour.

Wait for the current silent treatment to stop op, then when she has pulled herself together calmly tell her to address her behaviour and seek help or you will leave. Good luck. This is not your fault.

I know of a few people who do this. They’re manipulative bullies. I don’t see them anymore.

My mum was like this

why can mums be so immature??!

Yes you have enabled it, the loss of friends should have been a wake up call to you.

She wont change - so you have to for your children's sake. End this farce of a marriage and move on.

Her behaviour is absolutely disgusting and I would leave. How can an adult think it's okay to behave like that?!

Move out and move on.

Communication is a foundation of any relationship whether it’s romantic or friendly. Without communication there’s no relationship.

Exit the marriage. It’s already dead.

1- you’re not giving her the silent treatment. You’re waiting fir her to finally make a move rather than you grovelling.

2- yep, finances are what keeps people together atm when they really should separate.
I’d say first try to make it clear it’s not acceptable. Ever. Very calm assertive conversation. Explain how it makes you feel. Put boundaries. If it ever happens again, I’ll start a divorce.
In the mean time, look at your own finances, where you could live etc… Whikst you won’t be as comfortable, it will probably be a much easier life for yourself

3- does she use the silent treatment towards the dcs? If so, I’d seek to have the dcs at the least 50/50. They’ll need someone to support them and tell them her reaction is about her and not about them.

Just to highlight, leaving will only be ‘for the dcs sake’ if the dcs stay with the OP.
Otherwise, they’ll just be the very people on the receiving end. Which is NOT good.

Go easy on yourself. Her behaviour is emotionally abusive. Have you spoken to her family or yours about it? You need people on your side to support you with finding a solution.

its Abusive and immature , do not do it yourself

can she speak normally to children when she’s blanking you ?

I would hold out no hope if this improving but might do therapy before breaking up

I agree @Gloriia. Those comments are sexist too. People should direct their anger at the abusive wife.

Does she do it to the DC too? Because this is not healthy for them to witness and it becomes a huge issue if she starts to do it to them. It's absolutely abuse.

You could try taling to her when things are good and saying why it's not okay and request counselling. But honestly, in my experience, people who use silent treatment as a tactic fall into two camps:

Camp 1: They learnt it growing up or somewhere else and think it's legitimate. They are then challenged on it when they do it, realise very quickly it's NOT a legitimate tactic, and develop healthier ways of managing conflict.

Camp 2: They will never change because they intrinsically don't see it as their problem. They think they are "protecting" themselves or "calming" themselves or "avoiding a messy argument" and they'll go to their death bed insisting that their behaviour was appropriate and right.

She's clearly not in Camp 1, so you've got a Camp 2 situation here which means really, I'd recommend you leave. And you need to protect your chidlren because I assure you, she WILL start doing it to them too if she hasn't already. when they are teenages, it will be how she controls them.

My mum is like this, and her mum before her, which is where she learnt the behaviour. My dad has been on the receiving end for 55 years and is so ground down that he is completely controlled by her. He would be ignored for weeks and would display grovelling behaviour in front of us, which just gave her more strength to carry on the behaviour. Grovelling and apology is what they want. My mum is like your wife, she fell out with all her family, my dad's family, her friends, and she was, and is, completely isolated, yet she always blamed other people and couldn't seem to understand that she was the one at fault. My dad enabled this behaviour and myself and my brother then received it. My mum once didn't talk to me for six months while we lived in the same house, and then our NC would last for years at a time after I moved out. At the age of 49 I disobeyed her by buying a car with rear electric windows for my dog to stick his head out of, and she didn't speak to me for another six months. Fortunately, she stopped speaking to me at the start of lockdown and we have been NC for five years now and I have no intention of starting again.

My mum's silent treatment and punishment has had a very great effect on me, even though I learnt from her example and am a very strong woman, which explains our frequent clashes. In early relationships I used the silent treatment until a boyfriend didn't put up with it and I stopped.

Don't become my dad, and don't put your children through this. I did and still do feel like my mum didn't love us 'properly'. In our last row I told her that parents didn't treat their children like this, and she said 'well that's what my mum did to me'. She has no understanding that she has perpetuated this and that she damaged her kids.

My ex husband used to do this.
One of the reasons why he's an ex. It's abusive and nasty.
And it's giving your children a terrible example of how to behave.

I hope after reading all the responses you realise that the situation is not acceptable and you must do something about it. Life is too short, you deserve so much better.
Do not wait for the current round of silent treatment to end, just tell her that it stops today, write it down if you have to, or you will be ending things and you can both go your separate ways. Let her go be miserable elsewhere.

Yes, in an ideal world the person whose behaviour is piss poor SHOULD change their behaviour but they don't so all right thinking people can do, especially if kids are being exposed to this 'life lesson' is to leave and create a home (even if it's 50% only) where the DC witness reasoned behaviour, balanced emotions and stability with none of the manipulative BS. That way they have a chance in life to choose where they feel peace and emotional support and see a way to behave that will lead to a normal life instead of being indoctrinated with this one dimensional way of dealing with conflict.

My mum used to do this to us as kids. I don't remember if she did it to others. I remember vividly my sister and I talking about it and saying how we preferred it when dad was mad at us because he would scream and shout, but then it was over. Whereas mum would be silent and mad at us for ages - days sometimes.

I hate MN sometimes as I've started to realise how wrong certain things have been in my life, and how much they have impacted me.

Don't let her keep doing this to you and especially your children. It's really, really damaging.

Not to derail but this first sentence is so wise...."Silent treatment is usually done by people who know they're in the wrong so can't discuss their position but are angry anyway "

We see it every day in universities gaslighting those people they disagree with and totally blanking them rather than being up for a debate. Deplatforming speakers because they refuse to be challenged.

OP, resolve to change outcomes for your children. Get angry on their behalf and stick up for them if you can't do it for yourself because you have become so undermined by her abuse of power. It sometimes helps to be angry on someone else's behalf rather than yourself.

Speak to your GP, get it logged for future ammo in any custody hearings. Ask for counselling. Speak to any mens abuse charities, any future advocates.
Get your ducks in a row as MN'ers would say. Then challenge her when the children are elsewhere, out of earshot.
You cant let this go on, it will damage them.