To give silent treatment to wife

[Crownpaints]

My wife uses silent treatment as a form of punishment towards everyone. Me, my family, her family, mutual friends, colleagues and her own friends.

Its a particularly nasty form of silent treatment, where she will turn her face away from the person speaking and pretend they don't exist, rather than giving one word answers and generally not speaking to someone.

We have lost a lot of friends / family through this.

I have always tried to maintain open communication with her when she is giving me the silent treatment. I will always try to start a conversation. I'll stop if she doesn't want to talk and try the next day. However, this makes me feel pathetic and weak.

We have been married for 11 years and her silent treatment has become worse over time, and we are setting a horrible example for our children.

Financial issues and housing are the only thing keeping us together at this point.

I feel like giving her a dose of her own medicine. She is giving me the silent treatment now and I haven't tried to initiate conversation with her but I feel terrible because it's making the situation worse.

for how long? Days and weeks?

can you communicate that you will come back and talk about the issue, even though it is upsetting to you?
do you accept that it is damaging to your marriage, and that your ‘not on purpose’ doesn’t stop the damage?
Do you accept that even just because you don’t mean to, doesn’t negate how awful it is for him?
Are you prepared to make any efforts to stop? Have you read a book called The Incredible Sulk, it might help you?

Same as me grew up like this my mum would ignore me from days weeks months to years from as young as I can remember 2/3. Sge still does it to me now at 42 she didn’t speak to me for most of my teen years if at all really even though we lived in the same house it really messes you up

@GuevarasBeret how incredibly judgemental!

No - usually for less than an hour. As stated, I am autistic. When I get overwhelmed/very upset I shut down. It is NOT sulking. It's not a choice, I don't do it on purpose. In my opinion it's better than screaming and shouting.

I think maybe you ought to educate yourself on autistic behaviours before you start preaching about damaging my marriage

Agree x

some people love screaming and shouting but what does it achieve

Tell her it stops today or you and the kids are off.
Totally unacceptable behaviour, so you need to find your backbone and confront it head on. Today.

I now think you and OP are talking about two completely different things. You are talking about “less than an hour”. He has made clear he is talking about “days and weeks”.

Taking “less than an hour” to compose oneself- in order to have a constructive discussion, (assuming you do) is obviously not the same as not talking for days/weeks to enforce compliance.
And to be frank, ignoring the people you live with for days/weeks, including your children, in an attempt to force compliance should be judged- because it is abusive.

The alternative to sulking is not screaming and shouting- it is politely, but assertively, stating what the problem is and proposing a solution, ideally with a suggestion that recognizes the point of view of the other.

The key skills here are being able to regulate one’s own emotions, being able to communicate effectively and being able to take responsibility for one’s actions.

To be honest, that you see only sulking or shouting as the only two options is sort of disturbing. Both those options are awful.

Have you never asked her why she does it or told her how wrong it is?

I feel like sometimes people use silent treatment as a way to calm the situation as they know if they speak then it will become toxic. I’m someone who goes silent, I was in an abusive relationship for years and I knew not to talk as whatever I said would be used against me. So in arguments, I just don’t talk - I remove myself from the situation and stay silent. Or if I do speak I say ‘I’ve removed myself, leave me alone’ and the person continuing to speak will be the problem, not me. There are so many people that seek confrontation, they will continue to prod and prod - my abuser would do this as a form of reactive abuse. And then when Id hit breaking point I would say things I didn’t mean or scream like a lunatic. People look for that reaction and then claim you’re the problem for that reaction, when they’d be the ones who pushed and pushed to cause it. So some of us have learned to ignore, ignore, ignore and remove ourselves to avoid that.

I don't think that not saying anything is sulking

Sometimes you've said and made clear how you feel, and the person/group is still behaving the same way to hurt you

If the 'silent treatment' is constant, the issues have obviously been happening for a long time

Shouting and repeating yourself would be considered abusive tbh, not bothering to say anything to contant horribleness is just a survival technique

This is my experience x

Silent treatment is abusive. So if you engage in it your behaviour is also just as unacceptable as hers. End it if you being together means this kind of behaviour and relationship with each other.

I couldn't live like that.

I'd honestly present her with divorce papers (silently) and then walk away.
If she came to talk about it, I'd explain that I did not marry a child and do not want to remain married to a child, and if she gives me the silent treatment again then I will see that as a sign that she wants to proceed with the divorce.

If she doesn't respond, well I guess that would be enough of an answer.

… I get that it’s a survival technique in those circumstances, which I don’t think is what is happening here.
but in both situations it does mean the relationship should end.

And, I’m sorry you had to go through that.

she had a tough childhood. I think she likes having this type of power over other people. Just my guess.
she never wants to talk afterwards about her behaviour, she just shuts off.

@Crownpaints but that is a form of bullying!! I couldnt be doing with that. I would walk away

I had an ex who did it; vile & abusive in my opinion, you don't have to stay. Get some advice on managing the financial fallout. You all deserve better

Ah OP that’s part of the cycle. You need to be compassionate to yourself. The information provided above will really help

take care for yourself

@Crownpaints when you split will you have the kids full time , 50/50 or will they be left with your wife and her bad ways?

In John Gottman’s work on relationships (super expert) what your wife is doing, ‘stonewalling’, is what he calls one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse in relationships.

it’s an extremely destructive behaviour and highly predictive of divorce. As you are experiencing! She needs counselling / therapy. She obviously thinks because she’s not shooting / screaming she’s somehow superior but by goodness it’s calculating!!

That is a form of abuse, don't put up with it anymore, don't apologise to clear the air because that's what she wants, if she wants to be lonely and miserable by not talking to anyone then let her

oh diddums...

I had it bad so ill treat others like shit?

Nope.

Unacceptable. Break the cycle.