Can't be bothered to meet friend

[YourChirpyCoralAnt]

I have one friend who only ever wants to go to the pub and drink and find men.

I am married. I meet her once a month and cave every time to go to the pub. I have made other suggestions such as dinner etc and she knocks them down in favour of the pub.

It's just not my scene anymore. I wouldn't mind going once there and then the next month for dinner but it's always on her terms.

We are meeting Thursday and I've said adamantly I wish to go for dinner instead and she's just come back saying no, we are going pub.

I dont want to sit and drink wine on a Thursday night in a pub full of teenagers and people and to be honest if my husband had a mate that was constantly on the lookout and bringing women over to the table to join them I wouldn't be too impressed.

Am I being unreasonable if I cancel if she won't at least do my suggestion at least once. 🙄. I just simply don't enjoy that scene anymore.

It must be very difficult for your friend being single and looking at this time in her life. Friends all being coupled up and constantly busy with family commitments with no interest in girls nights out any more/having a few drinks/shock horror staying up past 10pm. Or the dreaded coffee and cake. Nights out seem to take forever to organise as everyone is just so busy, she's probably incredibly lonely.

It's far easier in your 20's as there are usually more options, more people go on nights out and not as many people are settled down. A lot of the decent men are sadly taken so she is probably panicking. It is really difficult to meet men on your own, many women wouldn't feel comfortable going out alone. I've seen friend's dating apps, the options on there are ghastly. Why not compromise and alternate the nights out with dinner and drinking, I do feel for your friend. Your meet up could be the only time she goes out and she probably feels that she won't meet anyone if you're just having dinner and going home.

Nah she's a user. Should be concentrating on chatting to you?

Tell her you don't enjoy the pub.. simple as that. I couldn't be dealing with her selfish.

Hasn't she got any other friends?

The pub she only ever wants to go tos clientele is teenagers and scaffolders after work. Always, every time.

I think you might be right in your analysis here but I still don’t feel her friend’s lack of partner is the OP’s problem

She’s not a friend, she’s a selfish user. You’ve already told her you don’t like the arrangement and she’s rail-roading you. Just text her back equally assertively and say, “Gloria, I’m not interested in going to the pub any more, so I’m going to have to cancel, sorry.” And then stand your ground.

She only wants you there as a sidekick so she doesn’t look like a sad sack on her own. And if she ever finds a man, she’d drop you like a stone anyway.

Plus - the same local pub every time? Talk about setting your bar low. She’s hardly casting her net wide and it must be the same locals all the time. She’s a bit desperate. Ditch her.

She has high standards then 🙄 Or does she need her guttering done on the cheap?!

Just be honest.

" I'd like to go for dinner for a change, I'm sick of going to the pub every month. If you fancy joining me for dinner, let me know. If not, have a nice night at the pub, I'll see you when I see you "

Simple.

She has plenty of other people to go out with and quite frankly plenty of men whom she speaks to. I want to catch up with my mate.

About three other single friends whom she goes out with regulaly and they always speak to men. Not like doing it with me is a novelty.

I hasten to add on our last meet up, had been sat there for an hour or so, her friend called saying she was somewhere else and she asked me to go with her, I said no as I was leaving in 45 mins anyway and she went ok let's just leave it here shall we (not rudely but i was like oh)

I could not be doing with this OP - she doesn’t sound like a very good friend. I would let the the friendship fizzle out. There is no compromise on her side. Just say you’re not interested in going to the pub but happy to do x y or z - leave the ball in her court.

I couldn’t think of anything more tedious than sitting in a pub with the objective of attracting male attention.

Honestly I've had quite a traumatic couple of weeks at work and she knows this as well. I just want to sit somewhere relaxed.

Say to her what you've said to MN. You don't want to go there so won't be going. She sounds like an excitable teen. Give her a couple of alcopops, if such things still exist, and send her on her way.

Could you ever offer to go out for dinner with you and your DH and him bring a friend? She seems like she really wants to meet someone and thats where all her efforts are going. If you want a nice dinner somewhere, that might be your compromise?

Without sounding like a bitch. She's currently sleeping with a married man (2nd one of the year), whilst chasing round others. My husband doesn't want to introduce her to any of his friends.

To be fair I I don’t think it’s the OP’s duty to match make

She sounds like a terrible friend. Well not actually a friend at all!

Cancel the night out with her and set up dinner with someone who actually wants to spend time with you. Send your ‘friend’ a link to plenty of fish instead!

Not based on the update, but whilst people don't have a duty to matchmake, it is the kind thing to do and introduce people, I don't know why some people are so against it. But I think with the friend she's now in a spiral, she's desperate to meet someone, no one will introduce her to anyone, so she's having to find them herself. And then men she meets in pubs wont be suitable, (as proven in the update.

But honestly, it doesn't really sound like the OP likes her at all.

I agree.

No, that's not the case.

I am allowed to not want to constantly be going and doing what she wants to do in a situation I am uncomfortable with. Has nothing to do with not liking her.

Why are scaffolders low standard?!

She is not the boss of you. She might think she is and you seem to be giving her that impression, by allowing her to always call the shots. Just say no, firmly but politely, and see what happens.

OP, you keep saying that she insists on only going to the pub and refuses to do anything else.

You do realise you can just say no to all of this, don't you? Why are you repeatedly giving in and continuing to see her? She can't bloody force you to go and sit in a Wetherspoon's every Thursday while she chats up scaffolders, you know. You're an adult who can make choices for yourself. Grow a backbone.

To be honest, it doesn't actually sound like you enjoy her company anyway. You know full well she's using you. I'm not entirely sure why you're still friends at all.

@YourChirpyCoralAnt my friend who was like this used to chat up men at the bar and then bring them over- as she was late 30s at the time and I was late 50s and married i could almost see the disappointment in their faces!! She left me sat on my own a fair bit too -I just let the friendship fizzle out which was a shame but I just felt used if I'm honest.