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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to cancel my boyfriend's holiday

83 replies

Bumblelion · 12/05/2008 12:59

Brief history :- I am a mum to 3 children, husband (not divorced yet but living apart, moved on, etc.) and boyfriend. Boyfriend has 2 children (1 he sees, 1 he doesn't).

When husband left, changed mortgage to interest only (lots of equity in the house), since changed back to repayment (15 months now).

I work part-time and like/deserve my holidays.

Went to Tenerife at Easter for 1 week (children spent one week at their dads), went away for the next week but eldest daughter (15) didn't want to come - wanted to see her school friends/boyfriend, etc. so me, my mum and 2 youngest went to Tenerife. Eldest DD stayed with her dad (part week) and my boyfriend (part week).

Have also booked to go to Tenerife half term week in October with myself, my mum, my 3 children, my brother and his 3 children (all 'roughly' the same age). My eldest is looking forward to Tenerife in October as she will be with her cousin.

Have also booked to go to Turkey for 2 weeks on 19 August (again me, my mum, my boyfriend, my 3 children). Eldest again doesn't want to come as she will be at her dads for 2 weeks and then we go away for 2 weeks and she will not see her friends/boy friend.

My boyfriend has not been away with me for the last 2/3 years as he cannot afford it - owes me £10,000 (yes, ten thousand) and my mum £15,000 (yes, fifteen thousand) and his mum £20,000 (yes, twenty thousand - she remortgaged) as he started his own company (now closed) and had cash flow problems (don't we all!).

(1) My eldest doesn't want to go to Turkey for 2 weeks after spending 2 weeks at her dads - hates the sun, hates a sun-tan, etc., (2) my 2 youngest have had one week in Tenerife with me and my mum, and (3) all my children will have 1 week in Tenerife (different hotel, different resort) in October.

When I booked the holiday (last November), my boyfriend knew what it was costing, I paid the deposit (only £300) for all of us and he know when the holiday was due to be paid (27 May) - now he tells me he doesn't have the money and can I pay for it and he will pay me back (like all the other money he owes me, I think not!!).

Today, after speaking to my mum, I am thinking of cancelling Turkey for all of us and I will go away with my mum for 2 weeks when the children are with their dad.

... so am I being unreasonable to cancel the 'family' holiday (my boyfriend included) and just go with my mum (the children don't care either way - they don't need holidays like I do!)

OP posts:
EffiePerine · 12/05/2008 13:00

If he wants to go, he should pay for it. YANBU.

MrsTittleMouse · 12/05/2008 13:01

Sorry, no answer, I'm just that your boyfriend owes so much money. How on Earth did he get into so much debt with friends and family?

sherby · 12/05/2008 13:02

YANBU, cancel

He owes £45000 out do you really think he is suddenly going to cough up for his holiday?

MrsTittleMouse · 12/05/2008 13:04

Just thought about this - if he does have the money for the holiday, should he be using it to pay everyone back instead?

themoon66 · 12/05/2008 13:05

Agree - cancel and go with your mum, who pays her way.

EffiePerine · 12/05/2008 13:06

and draw up a plan for him to start repaying the money he owes you. Cheeky sod.

Lulumama · 12/05/2008 13:06

to be honest, i';d be concerned that this guy has fleeced you and your mum for £25 000, which , i am presuming, is not loose change to you.. and is showing no signs of paying anything back.

longterm, i would be really concerned about this level of debt, and his expectations of you bailing him out time and time again.

rather than quibbling over who pays for the holiday, you should be asking tough questions about when he intends to pay you back, as it is a lot of money.

he has p*ssed £45000 up the wall and i would be thinking very carefully before i spent one more penny on him

Original poster
Bumblelion · 12/05/2008 13:07

Thanks for confirming. My friends tell me to cancel, my mum tells me to cancel.

He will not pay for the holiday, I know that deep down - yes, he has now got a new job (after closing his own company) but his 'debt' is nearly half my mortgage and that scares me because at least my house is worth 4 times my mortgage and, if worse comes to worse, I could always downsize.

What has he got to show for his debt? Nothing!

Am trying to speak to him to tell him I am cancelling (only lose the deposit) but, for some reason(!) he is not ringing me back - wonder why!

Yes, he deserves a holiday but, I think, you can only have what you can afford and I work bloody hard for my holidays.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bumblelion · 12/05/2008 13:09

The trouble is, he is a very smooth talker - on Friday I asked what his take-home pay was and what he has to pay out each month (he knows my take-home pay and what I have to pay - mortgage, gas (gone up!), electric (gone up!), water, council tax, food, etc. etc.

At the end of a 40 minute conversation, he had not actually told me anything what I had asked.

The trouble is that I have something to drink (to get the balls up to ask him questions), he then fobs me off by not actually answering and, here we are, 3 days later, and I am still none the wiser.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bumblelion · 12/05/2008 13:11

... AND I WON'T SPEND ANOTHER PENNY ON HIM!

I even had to cancel my credit card and have another one re-issued as he was using it behind my back - I know, I know, I shouldn't have let him use it in the first place.

OP posts:
EffiePerine · 12/05/2008 13:11

Well you don't have to know his take home pay to make sure he starts paying you back

just set a figure to pay each month/week, ask if it is unreasonable, get him to set up a standing order (online) and say you'll review after X months.

EffiePerine · 12/05/2008 13:12

and if he is still taking the piss, take him to the small claims court (you may want to break up with him first )

lizziemun · 12/05/2008 13:17

He using you and your family for money, i think you realy need to reassess your relationship.

I sorry if that is a bit harsh but reading what you have said is that you are putting everything into this relationship and he just taking what he wants and ignoring you when he knows you are trying to change something.

Don't tell you have cancelled his holiday just do it.

sparklesandnowinefor5months · 12/05/2008 13:19

I'm that you, your mum and his mum have loaned him so much money

Yes i think you should cancel the holiday with him as you will only end up forking out for the hol and his spending there too

does he live with you?

sparklesandnowinefor5months · 12/05/2008 13:23

i really think he is taking the piss i'm afraid

You, your mum and his mum should all have a meeting and discuss what your going to do to get the money back from him, then all meet with him and tell him what is going to happen

are any of you now struggling financially because you have lent him the money?

Blu · 12/05/2008 13:25

It all sounds quite bizarre, really.

he is your boyfriend - do you want to spend any of your holiday time with him? I mean, with him - not with the assembled extended family on a group holiday?

He doessome of the teenage-wrangling when you go off on all these hols (and you must admit it is a lot, however well deserved, needed, affordable they are for you).

I am assuming the loans have been done on a business-like basis? Written agreements etc? And that you and your Mum knew what you were invensting in, and thought it sound enough to invest in?

You see, in my mind, the loans for the business are one thing and the wish of most people to spend time with their patrner enjoying holidays together are slightly different.

All in all, no, you probably shouldn't pay for his holliday, and should look at the relationship overall.

Why did you loan him the money? Did he persuade you against your better judgement? Did you think it would be an investment (i.e would you and your Mum have profitted if the business had gone well?) - or were you trying to keep him?

be really honest about every aspect of this relationship.

Lulumama · 12/05/2008 13:27

he is a bit of a conman, smooth talking you, not giving you answers, all take take take

so what if your house is worht 4 times his debt, why the hell should you have to think about selling your family home for his fecklesness?? sorry to sound so harsh, but he is taking you for a ride.

he cannot even tell you how much he earns, yet knows your finances intimately. it is wrong.

Lulumama · 12/05/2008 13:28

and using your credit card behind your back ! he is stealing from you !

Original poster
Bumblelion · 12/05/2008 13:54

Blu - I will start by answering your message.

Unfortunately, when I lent him the money (against my better judgement) and he then borrowed on my credit card without telling me, no-one knew of this (apart from me and him!).

He then went to my mum (behind my back) and she lent him, initially £5K, and then another £10K (she can afford it (well, not really, but you know what I mean) but I can't.

Unfortunately my mum did not know about what I had lent him as she knows I don't have that kind of money BUT I also didn't know that she lent him money.

Unfortunately, there is no written agreement about the money lent (so, in the laws eye, my (his) debt, is my debt!).

Being honest - do I want to be with him? I have been with him for 5 years but he doesn't live with me (officially) - i.e. he doesn't pay anything but seems to be more at my house than he is at his mum's!. Because of what he owes me and my mum, perhaps I am afraid of walking away, beacause that may mean I (and my mum) will never get our money.

I cannot afford to lose £10,000.

He has only had my teenager for 3 days while I was in Tenerife this year (he was at work and she spent most days/night at her friends) so he doesn't help me out that much so I can jaunt off on holiday (this was the first holiday that my eldest has not been with me and has been at home) - normally she comes with me or she is with her dad.

OP posts:
sparklesandnowinefor5months · 12/05/2008 13:59

i think you should go to citizens advice and find out what the legal situation regarding the money he owes you is (or post in the money/finance section here as someone will know)

If it wasn't for the money he owes would you be with him?

piratecat · 12/05/2008 14:00

can you seriously, and i mean seriously, read this back to yourself.

he took money form me, my mum didn't know, then she leant him money and he didn't tell me.

sorry but he would be long gone if he was my bf.

sparklesandnowinefor5months · 12/05/2008 14:01
lizziemun · 12/05/2008 14:02

You have already lost the £10,000. He will never pay you back he will just take more and more from you and your family.

kerryk · 12/05/2008 14:03

so you and your mum have lent him 25 grand between you, he has another £20,000 debt and this is only the debt you know of!!! god knows how much else he has.

i would say that without having any kind of legal agreement in place that you have no hope in hell of ever getting the money back. as soon as he started his new job he should have began paying back the debt, as it stands he wont even tell you how much he gets paid

VeniVidiVickiQV · 12/05/2008 14:03

He's taking you for a ride tbh. What an easy life he has.

I deserve a holiday but I wont get one this year because we cant afford it.

I managed to grab a bargain week away 18 months ago when DD started pre school in a caravan in devon for £180.

Prior to that, my parents paid for our flights so we could stay in their apartment in spain.

Life is tough. Both of you need to grow a pair of balls tbh.