to cancel my boyfriend's holiday

[Bumblelion]

Brief history :- I am a mum to 3 children, husband (not divorced yet but living apart, moved on, etc.) and boyfriend. Boyfriend has 2 children (1 he sees, 1 he doesn't).

When husband left, changed mortgage to interest only (lots of equity in the house), since changed back to repayment (15 months now).

I work part-time and like/deserve my holidays.

Went to Tenerife at Easter for 1 week (children spent one week at their dads), went away for the next week but eldest daughter (15) didn't want to come - wanted to see her school friends/boyfriend, etc. so me, my mum and 2 youngest went to Tenerife. Eldest DD stayed with her dad (part week) and my boyfriend (part week).

Have also booked to go to Tenerife half term week in October with myself, my mum, my 3 children, my brother and his 3 children (all 'roughly' the same age). My eldest is looking forward to Tenerife in October as she will be with her cousin.

Have also booked to go to Turkey for 2 weeks on 19 August (again me, my mum, my boyfriend, my 3 children). Eldest again doesn't want to come as she will be at her dads for 2 weeks and then we go away for 2 weeks and she will not see her friends/boy friend.

My boyfriend has not been away with me for the last 2/3 years as he cannot afford it - owes me £10,000 (yes, ten thousand) and my mum £15,000 (yes, fifteen thousand) and his mum £20,000 (yes, twenty thousand - she remortgaged) as he started his own company (now closed) and had cash flow problems (don't we all!).

(1) My eldest doesn't want to go to Turkey for 2 weeks after spending 2 weeks at her dads - hates the sun, hates a sun-tan, etc., (2) my 2 youngest have had one week in Tenerife with me and my mum, and (3) all my children will have 1 week in Tenerife (different hotel, different resort) in October.

When I booked the holiday (last November), my boyfriend knew what it was costing, I paid the deposit (only £300) for all of us and he know when the holiday was due to be paid (27 May) - now he tells me he doesn't have the money and can I pay for it and he will pay me back (like all the other money he owes me, I think not!!).

Today, after speaking to my mum, I am thinking of cancelling Turkey for all of us and I will go away with my mum for 2 weeks when the children are with their dad.

... so am I being unreasonable to cancel the 'family' holiday (my boyfriend included) and just go with my mum (the children don't care either way - they don't need holidays like I do!)

fair enough

it just seems quite shocking , written donw, that he has used your credit card behind your back, borrowed £45 000 with nothing to show for it, cannot afford to go on holiday or contribute to your family life.. yet can whisk you off to las vegas...

if that seems judgemental then i am sorry, but you have said yourself, he plays his cards close to his chest, yet knows your financial status intimately, and you have to have a drink before you ask him anything important!

do you see a future with him? have you ever challenged him about the money before?

okay sorry

but it's difficult to see how you could not be fuming with him

he arranged this 'surprise' holiday to Vegas and then made you pay for it? and you still say he 'took' you there?

tbh I think most women would have seen a pattern by now and kicked him out long back

Batters - that was me (5 years ago). I didn't actually leave my husband, although I was thinking of it, he in the end left me (much to my upset!).

I did get with my boyfriend within about 6 months of my husband leaving home (9 months after he in effect 'left' me) - husband left me but stayed in the family home for 9 months.

I have known my boyfriend for about 20 years (he used to be my junior - only 3 years younger than me) and he came to my wedding!

He knows all my history but I know none of his.

he is a con artist.

i wouldn't just cancel him on the holiday, but out of my life entirely.

Bumble - I truly do not mean to berate you - or criticise you.

But I'm never sure how to think about advising someone how to get out of a difficult situation without looking at all the reasons the problem could have started.

He is a smooth-talking con-man - it isn't your fault he has behaved as he has, not at all. But in taking back control, it's worth looking at how it was lost. That's all. You are in a horrible situation - well, I wouldn't like to be in it - but it won't sort itself out by magic.

I think you know deep down you are not going to get your money back and you should talk to your mum and prepare her too.

Do exactly as someone said earlier, you NEED a text message or an email or something acknowledging the debt, I'm also presuming you and your mum have proof from your bank accounts ?????

I think the maximum for small claims is £5000 so suing him is not going to be cheap. Even with a county court judgement against him he can easily manage to 'not afford' it (I have been here before with someone who screwed me over). If he's bankrupt or if he goes bankrupt then you will be very unlikely to get the money back.

I think at some point in the future you are going to have to try to come to terms with the fact that he smooth talked you for money and that it's gone

and obviously you should never lend him tuppence again

Anyway - brilliant that you have spoken to CAB - I really hope they can help.

REally sorry that it spells such doom over a relationship that you had thought was a good thing. that is shocking for anyone.

I don't think that whether or not Bumble goes on holiday is the issue, she likes it and clearly works hard to afford it for her and her family - holidays are a luxury and they are to escape your normal life whats wrong with that?! tbh if i was with a twat like that i'd want to go away on holiday too!

Although i do agree with Blu that maybe there are some issues you have that you can't face, what they are is clearly for you to decide

Get help from CAB but also post on the legal threads on here someone might be able to help you further and give you an idea of what will happen and what it will cost you

I hope you have enough support around you to help you deal with this as it doesn't sound like its going to be easy

btw what does his mum think of all this? have you spoken to her about it or his mates to find out if he has ever done this before?

I think Blu's point - "But in taking back control, it's worth looking at how it was lost. That's all." is a very good one

Of course - no comments per se about Bumble going on hol...but, Sparkles - "tbh if i was with a twat like that i'd want to go away on holiday too!" well exactly!

Honestly, Bumble - I think you will need lots of support - and I'm sure you will get it fom MN....I will keep my distance, promise . good luck!

Sparkle - I am not a TWAT! Thank you.

I like to give the best of me to everyone and I hope that they give the best of themselves back. Obviously not, where my boyfriend is concerned.

Am I afaid of walking away? In one sense, yes. I loved my husband, I cheated on him (I know, don't berate me for this, this is one price I will have to pay for the rest of my life and, believe me, I am paying for it (and I don't mean financially) and my husband, who I, unfortunately, still adore (that is why we are still not divorced ... another story there ...) ... my husband told me, at 36 years of age, with 3 children (then 9, 5 and 11 weeks) told me he will always love me (you can't help loving someone) but doesn't like me. He told me that I would never be hapy (how true is he there, 5 years on-am I happy? No.) and that I would never find someone to love me and accept me for who and what I am (selfish (not!), self-centred (not!.), etc. etc.

Perhaps looking back and seeing my (now) boyfriend taking an interest in me (before knowing my 'good' financial situation) I saw someone who 'liked' me for who and what I was.

Perhaps I am doomed NEVER to be happy.

My mum hates MY situation (now she knows it) and I hate HER situation (now I know it).

DO WE ALL SOMETIMES NOT MAKE MISTAKES? Okay, my mistake will cost me £10K and it will cost my mum £15K but, I hope that on my tombstone, it will say 'she tried her best' - to be a good mother, wife, friend, girlfriend.

I feel sad (but feel happy) I am now doing something about it.

Sparkle didn;t call you a twat! She said if she was WITH a twat, she would need a holiday too.

I didn't call you a twat at all i was refering to your boyfriend

I now see I was not being called a 'twat', that is the way I read it.

I am sitting here at home, on my computer, feeling very sorry for myself with tears running down my face (not sobbing, just upset).

My mum gets depressed (not just a bit sad, ends up being sectioned under the 28 day section act) and I drink!

I am not depressed (in the true sense of the word) - I still work, look after myself and my 3 children, but I suppose I like to 'escape' by drinking.

thanks Kew you got there before me

I know I was not being called a 'twat', my boyfriend is and HE IS A BIG ONE!

I sincerely hope that you are not doomed in any way at all - and can see no reason why you should be. Not for making painful mistakes, anyway. I'm the survivor of a painful mistake and didn't see the light until he had had two children with other women (at 4 month intervals) and racked up £800 on my credit card (which i had given him for extreme emergency use only when driving to collect his dd). But I found I couldn't get out of the situation until I changed the outlook (need) in me that had allowed it to reach the stage it had, and adjusted my whole vision of the thing.

It does seem as if you might have been feeling very hard on yourself after everything you had gone through, and just a bit more greatful for the attention of someone who liked you.

Really pleased that you and your Mum are supporting each other - at least she has first hand experience of how he works and can understand exactly how he has managed to do what he has done.

And you are right - much better to be someone who looks for the best in people. That doesn't mean you deserve to be taken advantage of, either, so don't let that hold you back from doing what you can to get your money back.

Sparkle wasn't calling you a twat - but your bf!

...but I am still sad.

The people I care for, love and will protect are:-

my children
my mujm

My mum is not a 'mug' like I am, she is like me in that she tries to see the best in people.

I do not need to pay my mum back for any money she has lent my boyfriend as she can 'afford' to lose it more than me.!!

sorry - x-posted with all of that.

Bumble, hold tight - you poor thing, none of this is your fault...and you can rescue yourself before any more damage is done, AND come out stronger and with more self-respect, so that you don't need to cry, or drink - and certainly so that you don't end up being sectioned like your poor Mum.

You have a hell of a lot to contend with.

Don't cry - you posted a simple 'AIBU' today - and have taken a really important step - calling CAB.

You will be OK.

Bumble i really think you need to have a talk with him, tell him you are unhappy, why you are unhappy and what he is doing to make you feel this way - hopefully you will be able to either sort it out with him (but DON'T let him 'sweet talk' you, be strong) and if he can't see what he is doing then i think you need to get rid of him

But you need to be able to be open and honest with him about and he needs to be open and honest with you too, you need answers from him - take your time think about what you want to say to him and how you want to handle things maybe wait until you've spoken to CAB properly too so that your prepared for what could happen financially

You and your mum sound close so you'll be able to stick together and help each other - do you also have any close friends you can talk too?

Me and my mum are great - as are me and my good friend - who always tell me the right thing to do - however hard it is.

I always try to do the 'right' thing but is that the right thing for me, my children or my boyfiend?

Late to this thread, but there are far too many warning signals here

1. Your boyfriend has two children, only one of whom he sees. (Two previous relationships resulting in children is a bit of a warning signal PLUS not seeing one of his children - surely only skunks don't see their children)

1. He lies

1. He steals

1. He is delusional (taking you away then expecting you to foot the bill)

1. He is bad at his own business

Realistically he is not going to change and you know that you need to get rid of him. You should cancel his holiday and I think you should take your mum on holiday as your treat. Just to make up to her in some way for her loss.

It sounds like you are sincerely regretting splitting up with your husband. The only thing I'd suggest is please don't rush back to him now. It's a time of emotional turmoil for you and it might not be fair to him for you to approach him until you're on a more even keel.

Is there a split between what is right for your children and right for you? In what way?

I don't think you need to worry about 'right for your boyfriend'. he seems more than capable of looking after his own interests!

I'm glad you have such good support with this and there's always MN

It sounds like you have done alot of things to make your bf happy over the years and he has not returned this - you have to do the right thing for you and your children not your bf on this occasion

that you have considered the possibility of having to downsize your house for him shows the level you have put into trusting him, but the fact that he is not even trying to pay anyone back does not suggest he has done the right thing for you or your family at all - yes your lucky that you could downsize should it come to that but its not the point really (and what would you do should you not have the equity? what would he do leave and move on to someone else?). He's suppposed to love, respect and care for you he doesn't seem to be treating you very fairly at all

I know you went into this with the best intentions for him and his business and he may have really tried to make a go of the business (i don't know the ins and outs of this) but he still doesn't seem to even be trying to pay his way in any respect whatsoever, i think you've given it all you can and he needs to start trying now - that is if you want him in you life