No help from grandmother

[NurtureGrow]

Sorry a bit long

My mum has come to stay for several days, as my husband has been away. We have a 4.5 month old baby. She last visited 2.5 months ago.

The first days I cooked lunch (for her dietary requirements) saw other relatives with her / took her and our baby to a museum, paid for lunch / have promised to go for lunch with her, our baby, my husband tomorrow.

Today I said we could go to a park, but if ok, I would really appreciate some help, if she could spend some time watching/playing with our baby etc. I very much need to clean, particularly the kitchen. She agreed. I’ve also told her I’ve been up very late recently batch cooking for the freezer to try to save money and other house tasks.. so she knows how busy its been with a baby.

It didn’t work well.. as our baby was crying and rather than comforting or distracting, she would just tell him to ‘sheesh’ ie be quiet.. and the baby got very upset. I had to keep coming in which was fine. Eventually I took him back, fed him and he fell asleep on me. Due to how upset he has been with teething, I let him sleep where he was. My mum was nowhere to be seen and I didn’t have my phone and couldn’t move. Two hours past. I presumed she must be cleaning the kitchen. When our baby finally woke up, I found she had just been sat in the dining room, not doing anything. The place was exactly as messy as before. She said she didn’t know what to clean.

I was upset.. not so much about the cleaning, but that she doesn’t offer to help clean, cook, she is not nurturing of me as her daughter at all. I try to do nice things for her, but it’s not reciprocated.

I decided to bring it up. She said it’s like this for everyone, and that my grandparents never helped her.. but this is absolutely not true. From 6 months I lived with them and she collected me on the weekend or sometimes every other weekend. My dad wasn’t well and they agreed this. My grandparents fed me, took me to school, potty trained me, taught me to ride a bike.

I said to her, no one helps my dh and I. (My husband’s family are out of the country.) We don’t even have an hour or 2 help. She insists it’s normal to not have help. And everyone ‘just has to get on with it.’ She is nice on a surface level, but emotionally she doesn’t seem to have nurturing in her. I feel I deserve a bit of help like everyone and there is something wrong with society that we seem to have forgotten we all need this. My grandparents unfortunately aren’t here anymore. She’ll go tomorrow and that was my opportunity for a bit of help, gone.

YABU - she is right and we should just ‘get on with it’ without help.

YANBU - to deserve support and help for a few hours.

Everyone "deserves" support but you're not going to get it without a person willing to give it.

Sorry OP I know it's really bloody tough in those first months, and you've every right to be disappointed that she's not signing up for it, but she's not.

Good idea to try and keep your phone in your pocket (i lived in hoodies with pockets) as well as a water bottle!

Can you ask her to hold him for 15 mins or so rather than suggest she needs to nurture, cook, clean?

Well she can stay if she supports, if she's not going to do that, she can go home and you're no worse off. In fact better as you're notbdealing with her too. Hard to make the point but you've already started the conversation....

Your mother is the issue. If she left your grandparents to bring you up, she's unlikely to suddenly take on a maternal role now she is a grandmother, unfortunately.

You can’t get blood from a stone. She’s just not that person and I’m sorry. My mother wasn’t either. I don’t get it, like how do you not adore the baby but my mother liked my brother’s kids more.

If she wasn't even able to bring up her own child I'm not sure why you're expecting her to be able to help with yours?
Try to catch up in the evening or hand baby to her asleep next time

Well you said it yourself OP...

She is nice on a surface level, but emotionally she doesn’t seem to have nurturing in her.

She actually gave you up as a child to largely be raised by her parents, so it seems she definitely doesn't have nurturing in her. She sounds completely self absorbed to be honest.

Hard as it is, you have to accept she'll never be the loving, helpful mum you would like her to be. Have you a local HomeStart branch? They train parents/grandparents to volunteer to help families with pre school age children. Might be an idea.

Agree with this.

I would be stopping with the elaborate dinners and days out with her while she stays, or paying for eating out. Simple meals from now on that don't make extra work for you. Don't give more than you're happy to, knowing you'll get nothing back.

Oh OP i feel you 💐 I'm a lone parent to a 6mo so I've pretty much had to get used to managing baby and general life on my own. My house was a bomb site for around 2 months, infact it still is just less so. Its annoying to look at but ive had to accept that its not a priority and any job i manage to complete in a day is a win.

My mums idea of help/giving me a break is to, once a month or so, take DD to the local shop and back, which takes no more than 10 minutes. Its pretty pointless tbh and she only lives across the road. We also had the same dynamic as you, where my DGP's raised me and did more of the parenting stuff.

Edited to add- could you use a sling? It might help keep your DC settled for a while so you can get 1 or 2 jobs done.

My mum helped me and her mum was unable to help, as she lived in another country/continent.

My mum helped all my siblings, but not every mum is like that. My siblings MILS were generally lazy and self centred, much like your mum tbh. Sorry to say that.

My sister's MIL actually said to her daughter "I did it by myself, so you have to. Nobody helped me"

My mum came to stay for 3 weeks when I had my first child. She would take my daughter off me in the night after I'd fed her, so I could sleep, as DH was not much use in that area.

Infact, I missed her help so much that I took my daughter and went to stay with her 2 weeks after she went home.

That’s not very kind of her. At 4.5 months realistically your baby is just going to want you so I think either she helps out with the dishes/cooking etc or just ask her to bugger off, more politely. She sounds like a massive drain and you need to be looking after yourself. Forget all the batch cooking and going out, just chill out with your baby and let the house be a mess and eat basic food.

Sorry OP, but you had a child presumably because you wanted one. You knew raising a child is hard work. It was your decision. It is not your mum's responsibility to clean your house or babysit. Where is your DH? Why is he not doing his share? Why don't you batch cook while he is around?

Yes it would be lovely if she pitched in but she's under no obligation.

I've been a single for mum since I left ex when DS was 2. Before that ex did literally nothing. I think he changed a total of two nappies, and even those under duress. My dm died before DS was born. No local family. No help. I work full time.

I suggest you buy a sling. Baby will be happy snuggled up against you while you hoover. Also a play pen so you can safely chat to baby while cooking. If the tidying doesn't get done every day, it really doesn't matter.

That's horrible,.I'm so sorry. My mum was the same to be honest. You need to stop having her over, and giving yourself extra work. She's never going to change. Remember it works both ways, as in you don't feel responsible for her future elder care. When.my mum died I realised that I didnt feel upset, because we had never bonded nor did I rely on her for.anything.

I presume you have helped lots of people before you had your child?

You chose to have a child yes it is nice for people to help each other but no one has too

It is not your mum's responsibility to clean your house or babysit.
Yes it would be lovely if she pitched in but she's under no obligation.

Well of course she’s not but who in their right mind goes to someone else’s house to stay for a while and doesn’t offer to cook, clean or pay for anything. It’s even worse that Op has a new baby, but that is terrible manners at any time. Who else in their right mind is responsible for a crying baby and just tells it to shush like it’s inconveniencing them, and makes no effort to comfort it? That’s such weird behaviour.

op I’d stop having her over as much. It’s not helping you or your baby and she’s clearly not appreciative or managing to build a bond with your baby so what’s the point.

This 💯 what my DD expects me to do and what I do sometimes is entirely different. I'm not going to lie my DD is soooo bossy I never feel like I do anything right it's like walking around on egg shells half the time! Constantly trying to second guess what she wants. I would lay my life down for my DGCs but blimey my own DD can be difficult at times!

I understand where you're coming from.

My mum is amazing. She helps so much with the kids and always has done since they were little.

My MIL on the other hand , was very good at playing with the kids but very poor at particularly emotional intuition as a fellow mum/woman. She'd never offer any 'kindness' towards me as a new mum. She also never would offer to babysit and kind of lost interest as the kids have gotten older. She's very emotionally stunted and I struggle to understand her. She's a strange one really and I wish she was more warm and open. But she isn't. She's had quite a hard life though and can't articulate her feelings. I think she has an attitude of "I didn't get any help so why should I help people" life has sort of embittered her. There's a whole other back story too (passive aggression, rivalry, jealousness, possessiveness) but she's much more mellowed as time has gone on and I forgive her.

I've made myself sound like a bit of a diva there but I'm not I promise!

I guess the bottom line is : people including your very closest people can disappoint you. But you can't change people. Sometimes you have to lower your expectations and accept this is what they are, this is how it is and you have to accept it and find other outlets for practical/emotional support. It sucks, but you won't really fundamentally change people. Also, when people act in dysfunctional or atypical ways - it is true that it's about them and their issues not you and yours and I think you can then feel more compassionate towards them rather than resentful.

With my MIL for example , I now can see that deep down she's likely been jealous and resentful of me for the simplest of things - I can express myself, I can ask for things, I can throw my arms around my children and kiss them, I can say my heartfelt opinions. It must be awful to go through life as a wound up coiled spring that can't communicate properly with your very dearest relatives.

Good luck with your future 😃

I feel for you Op I'm laying in bed reading this thread with my 7 month old granddaughter snuggled into me.
I have her Friday-Sunday and wouldn't ever not want to have her stay I absolutely adore her & want my daughter to have time to herself. I can't understand Grandparents who have no part or play no part in their grandchildren's life's!

But I will say that your Dh/Dp should also be helping out with housework /meal prepping/ baby's feeding-naps Etc...

Sorry OP she didn't mother you as a child so she's hardly going to be grandparent material

She's not expecting friends or anyone else to help. It's her mum were talking about. You know, the Grandmother!

Wouldn't dream of hosting agsin any time soon.
Poor mother won't morph into a helping grandmother.

She wasn't maternal before so she won't be maternal now. You can't make her into something she's not. Lower your expectations; treat her like the distant relative she is emotionally wise.

It sounds like she wasn’t very into raising kids when you were a child as she left you with grandparents to raise you, she’s not suddenly going to change now so not sure why you are expecting this of her. It would be lovely if she would help but doesn’t seem like it’s going to happen.

A few issues here.

You asked for mum to mind the baby, which she agreed to, but then didn’t. That was poor form.

However, I wouldn’t automatically assume my mum would cook, clean etc, when visiting, and would feel she was interfering if she did. Your mum is not a mind reader, maybe she didn’t realise you expected her to clean.

She’s also slightly right that you do need to just get in with it as well, and not everyone has help.

If she’s a decent person normally, then just go with that. She’s also may come into her own more when the baby is older.

She is not going to suddenly change. I just wouldn’t have her to stay very often. It is a shame. You, your mother and your child are all losing out.
My mother used to pretend to be a good grandmother but the first thing she wanted if she came to visit was a glass of wine. She was a rubbish parent to me and not a great grandmother. I just try and be the opposite to her.

She sounds rubbish but also like she was always going to be a bit shit at helping. My mum would have spent the time cleaning the kitchen not sitting staring into space in the dining room for hours. That would have boiled my blood.

sadly you aren’t going to change her so I wouldn’t have her to stay regularly as she’s more an extra baby to look after and entertain than help. Can you meet her for days out half way?
you don’t need extra bed linen changes and costs of paying for her days out etc