No help from grandmother

[NurtureGrow]

Sorry a bit long

My mum has come to stay for several days, as my husband has been away. We have a 4.5 month old baby. She last visited 2.5 months ago.

The first days I cooked lunch (for her dietary requirements) saw other relatives with her / took her and our baby to a museum, paid for lunch / have promised to go for lunch with her, our baby, my husband tomorrow.

Today I said we could go to a park, but if ok, I would really appreciate some help, if she could spend some time watching/playing with our baby etc. I very much need to clean, particularly the kitchen. She agreed. I’ve also told her I’ve been up very late recently batch cooking for the freezer to try to save money and other house tasks.. so she knows how busy its been with a baby.

It didn’t work well.. as our baby was crying and rather than comforting or distracting, she would just tell him to ‘sheesh’ ie be quiet.. and the baby got very upset. I had to keep coming in which was fine. Eventually I took him back, fed him and he fell asleep on me. Due to how upset he has been with teething, I let him sleep where he was. My mum was nowhere to be seen and I didn’t have my phone and couldn’t move. Two hours past. I presumed she must be cleaning the kitchen. When our baby finally woke up, I found she had just been sat in the dining room, not doing anything. The place was exactly as messy as before. She said she didn’t know what to clean.

I was upset.. not so much about the cleaning, but that she doesn’t offer to help clean, cook, she is not nurturing of me as her daughter at all. I try to do nice things for her, but it’s not reciprocated.

I decided to bring it up. She said it’s like this for everyone, and that my grandparents never helped her.. but this is absolutely not true. From 6 months I lived with them and she collected me on the weekend or sometimes every other weekend. My dad wasn’t well and they agreed this. My grandparents fed me, took me to school, potty trained me, taught me to ride a bike.

I said to her, no one helps my dh and I. (My husband’s family are out of the country.) We don’t even have an hour or 2 help. She insists it’s normal to not have help. And everyone ‘just has to get on with it.’ She is nice on a surface level, but emotionally she doesn’t seem to have nurturing in her. I feel I deserve a bit of help like everyone and there is something wrong with society that we seem to have forgotten we all need this. My grandparents unfortunately aren’t here anymore. She’ll go tomorrow and that was my opportunity for a bit of help, gone.

YABU - she is right and we should just ‘get on with it’ without help.

YANBU - to deserve support and help for a few hours.

I agree!

So sorry @Darkrestlessness that sounds so difficult x

@BettyBardMacDonald I always do a lot. Not just household tasks though. I don’t believe things should be transactional but some examples are below.

My question was is my mum right I should not have any help at all. I was not hoping for a lot, just a tiny bit. Like an hour or two to give me free time to clean. But as many people have said for my own well-being I need to change my expectations, to not expect at all.

Anyway, here are examples, as you asked:
-When she wanted to get divorced from my step-father, she did not think it would be possible. I contacted solicitors to check the process and cost. Booked the appointment for her, guided her through..
-I researched areas, houses, drove her to house viewings. Called her everyday concerned for her well-being and safety. Helped her move.
-In recent times I help her sort her house, sell things and have people collect them.
-She calls me for journeys she wants to do and asks I confirm the route and transport times. I draw paper maps because she won’t use the internet.
-For family events, weddings, Easter, Christmas etc I arrange all transport and accommodation.
-I also coordinate with my aunts etc when we’ll meet. Even though she doesn’t work and has plenty of time, she won’t do this unless I do.
-When improving her house, she asked me to research the suppliers, shops, which I did. (Even though when she was buying a house she used the internet to research houses, but now it’s not urgent, she asks me again.)
-I drive her if needed. Even though she was a good driver, she decided to stop. She has no health concerns.
-There are many more things, but yes I do all I can. I will never just abandon her as I think that’s cruel.

Thank you so much for all your replies. Sorry I can’t reply to all. Mumsnet is really helpful to realise so many experiences 🙏 xx

I will never just abandon her as I think that’s cruel.
by abandon do you mean not help her when she needs/wants help?
why would it be cruel for you to not help her but youll accept her not helping you?

dm is the same, I feel the same as you and worry about not helping enough and accepting her selfishness. Though the birth of dc has made me feel slightly differently as I would do anything for them and it’s a stark comparison.
I suspect it’s some conditioning as a child to feel guilty for being ‘selfish’ or ‘cruel’ and to parent the parent.

@Hungryhungryrhino yes, that’s what I mean. And also when she is older, (she actually brought this up when here) to make sure she always has the best possible situation. I feel of course I will do this, but it does seem to be linked to parenting the parent.

Im sorry your dm is the same.

Essentially, my step-father always said everything I did was not good enough.. and she was emotionally unavailable.. so it seems it’s led me to over extend too much, much of the time. I know what you mean about stark contrast.

She has gone now and tbh I feel tired. I used to feel like this before we had a baby and it took me many days to recover energetically, emotionally.. but I found a way to deal with it quite long ago.

It’s just she gave us a card for our babies arrival and also gave us another, strange card that said ‘thank you for making me a grandmother.’ And she seemed so happy about it, I thought things would be different.

The lack of generosity (mainly in spirit/energy) is a lot to deal with, painful and exhausting. She just seems to take less and less responsibility and put it on me. She will just sit at home doing nothing and I would be calling aunts trying to arrange Easter etc etc. Up to her, nothing would happen at all. But I want to go and it would be strange for me to leave her at her house. It’s also been hard that extended relatives have just watched on.. I’ve been very much alone with it.

Sometimes it feels hard to get away from the darkness she brings. One other example, at Christmas for several years she has refused to put up the Christmas tree.. nothing is a celebration.

I guess I’ve now seen these last days, that although we have a baby now, she wont show up differently, and I must get used to that and readjust my expectations x

Up to her, nothing would happen at all. But I want to go and it would be strange for me to leave her at her house. It’s also been hard that extended relatives have just watched on.. I’ve been very much alone with it.
perhaps they don’t want to burden themselves with her. I find people like this can be a bit of a black hole of resources. Nothing is ever good enough and they always need to take more from you.

I suppose you’re still seeing yourself as responsible. Instead of seeing it as she didn’t organise anything so now she’s alone for Easter, you see it as your failing. I think you need to recognise the guilt and patterns, though that’s hard to do and I think sometimes actually makes it more annoying for a time, because you can see what’s happening but still don’t feel comfortable changing anything

Yes, it’s true..

I always try to do something, but I could try doing nothing. I did once hear when you stop taking the role of parent, they may shift out of the role of child.. 🙏