No help from grandmother

[NurtureGrow]

Sorry a bit long

My mum has come to stay for several days, as my husband has been away. We have a 4.5 month old baby. She last visited 2.5 months ago.

The first days I cooked lunch (for her dietary requirements) saw other relatives with her / took her and our baby to a museum, paid for lunch / have promised to go for lunch with her, our baby, my husband tomorrow.

Today I said we could go to a park, but if ok, I would really appreciate some help, if she could spend some time watching/playing with our baby etc. I very much need to clean, particularly the kitchen. She agreed. I’ve also told her I’ve been up very late recently batch cooking for the freezer to try to save money and other house tasks.. so she knows how busy its been with a baby.

It didn’t work well.. as our baby was crying and rather than comforting or distracting, she would just tell him to ‘sheesh’ ie be quiet.. and the baby got very upset. I had to keep coming in which was fine. Eventually I took him back, fed him and he fell asleep on me. Due to how upset he has been with teething, I let him sleep where he was. My mum was nowhere to be seen and I didn’t have my phone and couldn’t move. Two hours past. I presumed she must be cleaning the kitchen. When our baby finally woke up, I found she had just been sat in the dining room, not doing anything. The place was exactly as messy as before. She said she didn’t know what to clean.

I was upset.. not so much about the cleaning, but that she doesn’t offer to help clean, cook, she is not nurturing of me as her daughter at all. I try to do nice things for her, but it’s not reciprocated.

I decided to bring it up. She said it’s like this for everyone, and that my grandparents never helped her.. but this is absolutely not true. From 6 months I lived with them and she collected me on the weekend or sometimes every other weekend. My dad wasn’t well and they agreed this. My grandparents fed me, took me to school, potty trained me, taught me to ride a bike.

I said to her, no one helps my dh and I. (My husband’s family are out of the country.) We don’t even have an hour or 2 help. She insists it’s normal to not have help. And everyone ‘just has to get on with it.’ She is nice on a surface level, but emotionally she doesn’t seem to have nurturing in her. I feel I deserve a bit of help like everyone and there is something wrong with society that we seem to have forgotten we all need this. My grandparents unfortunately aren’t here anymore. She’ll go tomorrow and that was my opportunity for a bit of help, gone.

YABU - she is right and we should just ‘get on with it’ without help.

YANBU - to deserve support and help for a few hours.

My mother is like this. Actually she’s worse as well as being unhelpful she used to compare my babies to me and my siblings and try and make out my kids has health issues or were developmentally delayed in some way (they weren’t). She just needed her offspring to be better.

lower your expectations. If you don’t expect anything you can’t be disappointed. To be fair to her she did look after dd1 one day a week for a few months when she was a baby. She used to complain about it so much (after offering to do it) that I put her in nursery. Her own mother, my lovely Nan, used to help out all the time. She was always staying to pick up the pieces when mum
couldn’t cope. Over the years I’ve helped her more than she’s helped me. Sometimes it makes me sad that I don’t have the sort of mum others do, but I’ve made piece with it. My mother in law was also great which helped.

Very selfish of her

She could have cleaned up the kitchen

"Don't know how to?"

More of a hinderance

In between you being a child and you having a baby, what was your relationship like? Did you always live with your gps or go back to your mum?

My mother was no help either. Turned up constantly but didn't lift a finger. Some people just don't want to help.
I'd send her home.

I feel for you OP.
I know your dad was poorly when you were little so could understand your mum needing some extra help but to send you to your grandparents for the whole week and only see you on weekends to me shows you weren’t her priority. There are plenty of people who care for sick spouses and their children stay at home. Obviously I don’t know how ill your dad was and how demanding that was on her so I don’t want to pass too much judgement but at the same time, I’m not surprised she is acting the way she is now.

She probably never bonded with you properly because you weren’t there, so she may be finding it hard to bond with your baby now.

This is a tough one. She is staying with you and I imagine this was planned to help you while you DH was away. However based on your own childhood I would not have expected her to help much, it sounds like it was your grandparents who helped raise you rather than your own mum. I would not have her to stay at your house and I wouldn't change my routine to entertain her. She could visit family on her own.

I think in terms of organising at home, batch cook when DH is around to watch the baby. Clean as you go with the kitchen (not sure how much mess it can be in meaning it's such a big job), baby could sit in bouncer or highchair while you do this.

She sounds lazy and selfish. Awful woman

My "D"m was exactly the same. Did very little for me and even said the same things. This was after DF/DA & DGPs did most of the looking after me from a very young age.

Like others have said she isn't going to change and that's hard on you but it will be easier once you accept that's how things are.

We're 20 odd years down the line and now it's my "D"M who needs the help. Suddenly she's had a change in how she feels about Women in the family providing care...

I’m so sorry for you this is really sad.
I had a similar situation.
Just because she seems to think she was treated the same and that it’s the norm, it doesn’t mean she can’t be kind and helpful.
Her coming to stay was meant to be helpful but it sounds like it’s added to your burden and I’d tell her this!
She isn’t a child you need to look after. Even someone who wasn’t your mother as a house guest would do more than it sounds she has! I’d put my foot down and tell her she isn’t welcome again.

My mother was never helpful when my child was small, she’d make out she was available but didn’t actively offer help and was always cold. Her mother was the same… now this has just meant I made a point of doing stuff myself and I will be the OPPOSITE to my child and grandchild and break the cycle!

Just because we can do it ourselves and struggle, any support is nice and if she can’t offer it then she needs to be cut off.

Good luck OP!

She should be helping otherwise there's no point in her being there, she might as well go home..
In the example you used though it sounds like your baby wanted feeding and a nap. If you are breastfeeding then there wasn't much your mum could do to comfort them although she could have cleaned the kitchen or at least kept you company.
If you had asked her would she have cleaned the kitchen? You shouldn't have to but maybe you actually need to give her specific instructions if you want her to help.
Tbh though I'd probably tell her to go. It sounds like she creates more work for you. If she does (,or doesn't) don't worry about cleaning or cooking elaborate meals. Just spend time cuddling DC and relaxing. You won't get this time back.

And I woukd say that you've had a change of plan for lunch and she should go home. She's not helping and if you're up batch cooking to save money then going out for lunch should be a treat you'd enjoy not something you think you should do for your "D"M who is doing nothing for you.

I absolutely feel your pain. It has amazed me just how un-nurturing my own mother has been with my child. When my baby was 3 months old, my mum and dad came to live with us as they were between house moves and they had nowhere to go so had to get out of their house so the sale didn’t fall through. So we were doing them a big favour. My mum didn’t even change one nappy. Not one. She didn’t take the baby once. She had no words of wisdom for me for support and I don’t think even picked up the baby or played with the baby. I actually hadn’t even left the house for the first six weeks as I’d been poorly with sepsis after an emergency c-section. So I was still really figuring everything out and getting my confidence back. My mum did very little around the house to help either and I basically did everything. My dad sat in a chair until he was called in for meals.

I think some people just can’t do it. But it boggles me as she always says what a close relationship she had with her own mother. Yes, because Gran was a kind nurturing person and would have been the driving force behind the relationship. Well my mum can’t possibly have that with me as she’s just not that person. And I’ve come to accept it. Much as it upsets me. I just know I’m going to be a much more nurturing mother to my child and their children!

It's horrible when you want the kind of mum others have.

They take it for granted too.

But some of us will never have that.

There really isn't any solution.

Lower your expectations of her to minimise how much it hurts.

@murasaki I thought that last night. It’s nice to have company, but it is easier not to have to take care of her too. I asked her to please sort herself out for dinner, as I had to put our baby to bed. Initially she said she wouldn’t eat in that case. In the end she did make food and for me too. She needed me to explain how to cook rice first.

@WorriedAndFree I’m sorry that sounds really difficult 💐 we do use a sling often. It’s just I thought I’d have an hour or two where she could mind our baby. We haven’t seen her for 2.5 months, so this is just a hope for an hour or two in 2.5 months.

@SandyY2K "I did it by myself, so you have to. Nobody helped me" yes this is what she basically said to me. I don’t understand it myself. Due to my experience, I will be making a point to help others, not making them experience the same.

@Meadowfinch yes of course, we had a baby because we want one. It’s hard work for everyone and I do all happily. My question was AIBU to expect any help from a grandmother (I’m talking about hour or two in 4.5 months of life.) She has suggested I should not have any. I don’t feel that’s right. I’m a very generous person and basically hosting now. My husband has been away for work. I’m really sorry it has been hard for you. A playpen is a good idea, we don’t have one. Thank you x

@Hungryhungryrhino yes saying shush like it was inconveniencing her shocked me and was completely ineffectual.

@Crispynoodle it’s so good you would do anything for your DGC. I hoped for the absolute minimum of help.

As example, Ive been in the process of trying to organise accommodation for us all (my dh, ds, dm) for a relatives wedding. My mum refuses to use the internet or a smart phone (she has a flip phone.) She says she won’t use the internet.. so this means I have to. She’s only late 60s, perfectly capable. I also wanted to, so she would spend time with us all and our baby. I thought that was a nice thing to do. I even offered to pay (although I don’t have the money) when she expressed concern about the cost. So I am trying. Things seem to always come back to me, even with a baby. This just seems strange to me and that was my question.

Absolutely all of this @Halloumiheaven thank you. Not offering support, emotionally stunted. It seems to be the same. You are right about changing expectations… and this:

With my MIL for example , I now can see that deep down she's likely been jealous and resentful of me for the simplest of things - I can express myself, I can ask for things, I can throw my arms around my children and kiss them, I can say my heartfelt opinions. It must be awful to go through life as a wound up coiled spring that can't communicate properly with your very dearest relatives.

The same, I’m very warm with our baby, and I see her kind of looking at me. I don’t remember her ever being like with me.. not even a genuine hug. It’s just she expressed happiness at him being born, so I thought she would be engaged. I’ll remember this, thank you 🙏

My mum refuses to use the internet or a smart phone (she has a flip phone.) She says she won’t use the internet.. so this means I have to. She’s only late 60s, perfectly capable.

My "D"M has refused to adapt and learn about new technology for a few decades now. In retrospect it might have been one of the first signs of dementia. I'm not saying your "D"M has the early signs but it might explain some of her weird behaviour.

@Waterlilysunset It was the sitting in the dining room staring into space that really disappointed me (whilst the dining room was a mess) and also after I explained how late I’ve been up etc trying to do everything.

It’s just, if she just helped me a tiny bit, it would really help, you know? Some other relatives have started to see what she is like and comment slightly.

Your mum doesn't sound very nice at all. She basically gave you to your grandparents when you were a baby and did no parenting herself and she hasn't changed.

I would pull back from her as her behaviour as a grandparents is the same as her behaviour as a mother, i.e. completely uninvolved and detached. This is just upsetting you so keep your distance and stop having her to stay.

@Whataninterestinglookingpotato I’m sorry, I understand this “Over the years I’ve helped her more than she’s helped me. Sometimes it makes me sad that I don’t have the sort of mum others do, but I’ve made piece with it.”

@arethereanyleftatall its somewhat confused and hard to know. But I was with my grandparents all through the week alone for at least 1.5 years. I won’t share all as I would be recognisable, but we lived with them longer as well.

I hope you have stood your ground and are not providing care for her. She's got a bloody cheek expecting this of you when she was such a poor mother to you as a child and an adult.

@Candystripes85 I think she probably never bonded yes. To be honest, I wanted children, but was worried as she made it sound awful. But now we have a baby I see how lovely it is.. it’s fortunate I managed to see beyond her influence and lack of joy.

@jwoo23 so sorry to hear this xx

Sorry OP that's tough. My mum has always been the same too and never helped. She's literally taken one of my children for a walk once and watched them for 30 minutes and they're 8 & 6 now.

I've come to terms with the fact she's just bit that way and it's easier to deal with but when I see loving grandparents my friends have I do feel sad that we don't have that.

This!

Wow she really does sound similar to my "D"M who has always had a remarkable ability to find no joy in anything.

I hope when she said 'I never had help' that you corrected her