If you grew up poor do you ever miss it?

[Fstt1978]

This is a weird one. I grew up very poor , generational benefits, insecure housing etc.
I'm now firmly middle class to anyone looking in , and I'm probably romanticising it, but sometimes I find myself missing the simplicity of my other life. It's hard to talk about as it's very crass, and I have a lovely secure life now, but sometimes the choice of everything is overwhelming. Can anyone relate? I do not wnat to come over as tone deaf or entitled etc but I do find the class jump hard.

OP I also think one of the reasons why you might feel like this is that as a society we are pretty rubbish at understanding what is good about the community ethos of communities living in poverty. In my grandmother’s council estate when she was an elderly widow the neighbours looked after her wonderfully. The walls were thin between her and her neighbours and they used to say cheerfully “just bang on the wall if you need help”. Every Sunday when they made their roast dinner someone brought her a plate round on a tray. There was also litter, broken windows in neighbouring streets etc, but she was lucky in other ways that are complicated to explain.

I don't miss it.

Rather, there is a mental process, for me anyway, around having changed from being low income to reasonably affluent in a couple of decades, and sometimes that isn't easy to navigate. Sometimes I experience feelings of guilt, especially when friends struggle, wondering what would happen if it went, hoping I'm worthy of it.

Naturally, I prefer this to more poverty.

No. My parents had money worries growing up and both had two jobs on occasion.

As a child I didn't really notice. I had a great childhood. I do miss the lack of responsibility I had in my youth though.

I also do miss the simpler life without smart phones, social media, AI etc.

I grew up living in a 2 bed council house on a scheme. Doors were always open, people always popping in, knew everyone, everyone in the same boat.

Now considerably better off but don‘t fit into either world.

Here it’s always going out for expensive dinners etc. it’s nice to not have to worry about money but it is all quite shallow. I have imposter syndrome in both worlds.

My children grew up in this world and at times they make me so angry as they think this is the world and it is to them but not too the vast majority of people. Being poor gave me a better work ethic I think.

I grew up in a weird space in that my parents had money but were tight and would rather see us struggle.

It was absolutely bizarre looking back; not being able to get a new set of school clothes in September due to cost - but simultaneously seeing my dad with a new Mercedes and my mum debating buying iPads and them buying second properties. It’s like if they had money for that, why did our house look like complete shit and why was any purchase directed towards me as cheap as possible? It’s like a weird control thing I think.

I’m on a comfortable salary now and often it feels unreal, even though I probably earn less than either of my parents did. I’m not overwhelmed by choice, it just more feels like I have a skewed perception of money & self worth.

I didn’t grow up poor but as a single mum now I do have to watch the pennies . I think I find the structure of it (living within means ) comforting / easier (as you say less choices etc )

The ‘ calmer ‘ resonates with me - I’ve deleted SM and feel liberated !

My parents are constantly trying to gift me money - I don’t mean this to sound crass (I couldn’t think of another term )
(I’d take it in an emergency ) but don’t feel I want to choose what to spend it on :(

I think our values / attitudes don’t have to change even if our circumstances do .
There have been some examples of people who haven’t forgotten their difficulties and upbringings to try and get change (Marcus rashford springs to mind ) though im
aware he lives the high life !!!!
Does that make sense ?

I have complex feelings about being able to give my DC stability. Pride and gratitude, but also mixed up with some sorrow.

I think I understand what you mean, and I’m sort of similar. I was mainly raised by my gran in a poor area, we used to pop round to her friends and everyone was always out on the street. Families all lived near each other and in the summer it was very social.

I now live in a middle class area and I miss the social element of council housing estates, I sometimes go and drive through it, which I know is odd.

My dad had his own business. My parents were due to buy a house having moved around a lot during their time together, but it fell through and as their house was being sold to a developer they move us to a council estate. I was just coming up to being 4yo. I hated it. The people were all indocrinated to think that was their lot. I complained about these people were not our people and we needed to move from the minute we moved in until I was about 7 or 8yo when I'd sussed out how to talk to them etc.

I hated it. Every second of it.

Yes, I met salt of the earth people, but the feel of the place made my skin crawl. It wasn't until I went to senior school off the estate that I felt like I was in a better place.

Now, I'm like you, but I go round to friends for lunch, coffee etc and we also go to festivals, theatre, comedy club etc. Why can't you just invite your friends over for a cuppa? The only reason it was easy to pop round for a brew was noone worked. That's the simplicity you miss, but in a functioning society, that is a false environment, sadly.

Maybe you are (like me) nostalgic for simpler times rather than being poor. As a kid we played out on the street with other kids all summer which was amazing but because my parents couldn’t afford to do anything. Now kids go on holiday, get taken out on day trips and maybe the simplicity and independence is better for them.

it was probably easier being poor in the 80s/90s but I have no idea what it did to my parents and if they were worried all the time.

It’s a bit different, because I grew up with parents with middle class aspirations but who were terrible with money, so we had a big house but an enormous mortgage so little disposable income, it was stressful.

I myself got into lots of debt at university and the years after, when the last recession hit DH lost his job and we were very poor for some time. It was an awful experience.

We’re now financially comfortable and I would never want to be poor again. Living pay check to pay check with not quite enough is really miserable. I find having some savings hugely comforting. I think there are so few problems that can’t be helped by having some money to throw at them.

I work in an environment where there are people from lots of backgrounds and circumstances and I think money means choices, if you’re poor you can get stuck, you’re so limited in your options.

Never.

I feel very thankful every day that I don’t live where I grew up and don’t have to worry about whether there will be enough money for food and essentials at the end of each month.

I think what most people are missing is not poverty but community.
I grew up poor on an estate with a lot of anti social behaviour where my family were outsiders. I don't miss it.

But I can imagine, on the same income but surrounded by cousins and aunties and all Mums best friends from childhood (which was many people's experience); yes that would have been a great childhood.

I actually live somewhere quite similar now and get subjected to far less shit.

Because I now live with a massive guy who's hobby is weight lifting. Rather than two awkward skinny people with undiagnosed autism.

I do now see the appeal of estate life.
You can have that without poverty though. We live on an estate and we're not poor (except perhaps by Mumsnet standards)

I’m in my mid 50s and grew up poor but am fairly comfortable now.

Absolute poverty is grinding and damages your self esteem for life. My school was rough and violent in a way you’d never see today. My own children are much safer and secure, happier.

We did have a sense of community, with family living nearby. I also remember the open door thing, just sitting around chatting, gatherings at home rather than endless going to places. Life is more frenetic now.

I'm in a weird position of having family nearby still in relative poverty, some have been in homeless hostels with children. At the other end I’m friends with a few people who have big houses and holiday homes and some who are very learned and cultured. It’s weird when you don’t feel you really fit anywhere anymore.

Best thing is to try and ignore the noise and pressure and live a simple life, mostly. Albeit more cushioned and privileged. I try and give back through my job, helping at foodbank, assisting neighbours.

A very interesting thread/discussion!

I was born in the 60s. In some ways it was easier then - everyone had less clothes and possessions, in our small town there were limited shopping opportunities and of course no online shopping (though I remember some catalogues)

My mother made a lot of our clothes (and I made my own when I got older). I don’t remember that being too much of an issue though as many families did the same.

My mother in particular had grown up in hardship and I think she found it very hard not be be frugal even when she was slightly better off. For various reasons I was “parentified” so some of her attitude to money rubbed off on me. I am more relaxed now but still could not bring myself to spend more than a certain amount on clothes, for example.

Like previous posters, Christmas was more magical back then because it was the one time of year when we got new clothes and toys and had lots of treats.

I love that I don’t have to worry about heating, food and bills. That to me is the essence of being comfortable.

I volunteer at something similar to foodbank too!
I really enjoy it and am on the front of house bit, doing with people as they walk in stressed

I miss my childhood. Playing outside on the estate and not realising we were poor. I was thinking about how much my DM shielded me from throughout my childhood and so many things have just dawned on me. It made me see DM in a completely different light; she really is a remarkable woman and amazing mum.

Funnily enough, I haven’t actually moved out of the area but just have more money now so DC have a similar experience in terms of the playing outside (to a far less extent than I did as a child!) but also have their share of “middle class” experiences like theatre visits etc.

I watched Oliver! (the show 1960s version with Ron Moody) with DD(9) the other day and she couldn’t understand why Oliver would want to leave his adventurous life behind to live with his wealthy relatives.

You don’t sound like a dick but you’re sounding as though you need to be more active in making choices. You could get involved in a food bank or homelessness project and spend a significant amount of time and money there rather than going to wine bars with rich friends. You could ask them round for a cuppa. You can’t go back but you can find a new way ahead.

Are you sure it's not just nostalgia you're feeling, rather than missing the actual poverty? How old are you op?

I grew up in the 80s and 90s. We lived in a council house, my dad was very unwell so my parents were in and out of work. No money for luxuries or holidays. Only had heating in two rooms and it only went on when it was absolutely baltic.

But of course there were good times too. All the neighbours knew each other really well and all of the kids played out in the street for hours. We'd ride broken old bikes, climb trees, make rope swings, use our imaginations. There was a local neighbours dog that roamed free range and everyone was just ok with it.

The was a lot of pleasure in simple things. A shopping trip to town on the bus was a big deal, a takeaway was an enormous treat as it only happened twice a year. The Summers seemed long and hot.

But no I wouldn't want to live in poverty. I think it's nostalgia and rose tinted glasses.

The Christmas thing resonates. I remember me and (now late ex dh , we were divorced before he died )
In the 90s we were 20 ish and our Christmas presents were basically take £20 to the market, Peacocks/Primark or Woolies. Our gifts were always little but treasured. I still have a mini photo album for my handbag from that time.
Now I try to do presents for people and I'm knee deep in amazon /etsy/ online reviews etc etc for a pair of flipping socks!! I think it's brain overload

You know this is great advice. I'm being a bit maudlin and I probably need to shake myself . I do volunteer, but I can also develop the other areas like people popping in for a cuppa

And a big yes to things being special like takeaways. We only had fish and chips once a year on our day out to the seaside and we loved it

It is one of my single greatest joys in life to be sat in a warm living room of an evening knowing my kids are in warm rooms with warm beds. I would hate to go back to living in a freezing cold house where we couldn’t afford to get the broken boiler fixed and even if we did we couldn’t afford to turn the heating on anyway.

i do get the yen for a simpler life and time but that’s not being poor

I had a very happy childhood but we were poor. I can't say I miss the poverty. My mum worked so hard and was always worried. It wore her down. Now I deeply appreciate the fact that if the boiler dies or we need an urgent repair, we can just pay and not have to worry.

No.