If you grew up poor do you ever miss it?

[Fstt1978]

This is a weird one. I grew up very poor , generational benefits, insecure housing etc.
I'm now firmly middle class to anyone looking in , and I'm probably romanticising it, but sometimes I find myself missing the simplicity of my other life. It's hard to talk about as it's very crass, and I have a lovely secure life now, but sometimes the choice of everything is overwhelming. Can anyone relate? I do not wnat to come over as tone deaf or entitled etc but I do find the class jump hard.

I KNOW this is awful, so no one has to tell me. But I miss being skinny.

Shift work, crap money, walking everywhere, and smoking all left me considerably thinner than my (reasonably) well paid office based job lifestyle leaves me now!

Absolutely no: the shame and misery of school, dressed in hand-me-downs that didn’t fit and weren’t fashionable with my greying socks perpetually falling down because the elastic had worn out, amongst all those shiny girls in their nice stuff; always finishing a meal still a little bit hungry.

It’s a great source of pleasure to me that my children never had to experience that.

No, I dont.

I think this kind of nostalgia is misplaced unhappiness about another aspect of life. It's really shit being poor.

Not even for a second.

I will never miss going to bed as a child and crying with worry about whether we were going to be kicked out of our council house because we couldn’t afford it. Everything in life revolved around money and made my parents very angry people, in a way that I think was so damaging for all of us. There were constant arguments about money and we were constantly berated for asking for things, as children do. There was never any food in the house. My clothes weren’t washed and didn’t fit anyway. I went to school from about age 10 smelling of BO regularly. I never had any dinner money. I could go on and on.

I will do everything in my power to ensure my DC will never experience this. It wasn’t just a simple life, it was only about survival.

The only thing I can say is I wouldn’t know. But now I do

This is a very thought provoking thread.

I had forgotten the ice on the inside of the windows, god. I’m glad my kids will never experience that.

I didn't grow up poor but I understand what you're saying.

It's like christmas these days, my kids are excited but not the way I was as a child. It's because they get so much. Days out are less of a treat because they go to so many places. I can never find anything to watch with a million channels whereas when there were 4 my TV was sorted for the night and it was great.

Maybe you just appreciated the small things when you grew up poor but with so much on offer now it's a little underwhelming?

The concept of 'it takes a village to raise a child' is what I experienced growing up in a deprived community in the 90s/00s, and its the only thing I miss about being poor. Those that owned cars would provide lifts, there were childcare swaps and you would lend toys etc.

My dad was a taxi driver, and from time to time he would have a very good night (big expensive fares), he would treat us to the cinema / bowling and McDs. We went abroad once when I was 9 (my GPs bank rolled it) and that was a massive deal. You really do appreciate the treats and luxuries when they are very rare.

But the rest? Nah. My parents had a very happy marriage but they always bickered about money, and they were always counting the days until mum's payday. Aside from that one trip abroad, we never went on holiday except to my GPs in the summer and Easter. Clothes were from primark or hand me downs. If my dad had a particularly low earnings week, there would be no heating and we were living off beans on toast and cereal (with UHT milk - yuk) until mum got paid.

I was lucky in that my grandparents were very comfy so they often funded school camps and gave very generous with pocket money

No. I look back on it like an abusive relationship. It seemed normal at the time, but now that I'm away from it, I can see it for what it was. Sadly, the effects of it will stay with me forever, which makes it impossible to embrace all the good things I have now because I still have the fear of not having enough but also the guilt of having so much. I can't treat myself without feeling shame. So, no, I don't miss it. I would rather have not experienced it because no amount of success or money undoes the harm that growing up in poverty inflicts.

Nobody ever really 'jumps class' - your circumstances might improve but the memories and experiences stay with you. I don't miss the days of eviction letters, having the phone cut off, bailiffs at the door etc. If anything I resent those days more as I get older and how my parents didn't make any real effort to get us out of it. We didn't have central heating until I was 16, we didn't have a functional washing machine or a vacuum cleaner even 'on tick', I used to go to school in unwashed clothes. I am angry about it even now.

Yes I miss the simplicity. Life feels very hard now.

Maybe once or twice a year I drive to old housing scheme, park up and walk about the streets, walk past my old home twice. I go during daytime not at night as its high crime area. It's normally after some other life challenge that has stressed me out.

I know I can't go back as not a life I want for DC and I know deep down I do like the safety of my current location and home, so not a life for me now either.

But yes I miss it.

I'm pretty well off and grew up well off but for various reasons I've found myself with quite 'poor ' friends and I much prefer it to the friends you are describing.

My old life ( I moved last yesr ) and old friends were like yours and it can be exhausting ..

Like above choose a simple life , move to a small cottage in a field and enjoy the simple life .

Money gives you choices!

Do you think that you might mean missing the connection between you and the way you connected with the people in the community you grew up in OP, open doors, cups of tea?

I find endlessly going out to meet people a bit wearing.

No, absolutely not

No need to talk to me like this. I've spoken with carefulness and concern about tone and shown a willingness to explore what this feeling is actually about

Oh I get this completely. The secondary school I went to had a mix of wealthy children and poor children.
my two best friends got given their family allowance each month for clothing/pocket money, I was so envious.
my mum was a single mum and we lived in a council house, money was very tight.
When I spilt up with my boyfriend I was so determined to buy him out of the house, aspirational I guess.
I never want to go back to poverty and am really proud that I have been able to fund both my kids through uni, I never had the chance

I'm really interested in the finding things underwhelming now and the thought of being at a big life moment (middle age)
I will definitely seek out the book by Rob beckett.
I also resonate with the PP who said they want to be home eating biscuits and the one who said constantly going out doing things was wearing. I think I am romanticicing the lack of choice. Forgetting the stressful bits of having no choice, and only remembering the bits that seemed easier. Its an interesting topic though, I'm glad I could chat about it

What OP is saying is completely legitimate. My father grew up very poor and has struggled with his life changing.

OP you might find this TED talk a good watch https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=UFtIgEgzWaM]] This is by Sophie Pender who runs a social mobility charity and from about 11 minutes in she talks about what I think might be some of what you are experiencing.

No I never miss the life I had growing up poor.

Back in the 60s most working class people were poor but we were poorer than most as my mother was a widow. The cupboard was always bare and we had the minimum amount of food and clothes. Mother was always robbing Peter to pay Paul.

My own children grew up very privileged, thank god.

OP you might also find the book Low Born by Kerry Hudson (excellent memoir) helps you work through some of this

Second the book by Kerry Hudson, I'd never felt so seen when I read it

Found this description by Sophie Pender of what her Ted Talk is about “The long and short of this talk is why social mobility is not all it's cracked up to be. Why, even though it completely changed my life for the better, it irreparably damaged a number of elements that I'll never be able to repair. 17 minutes isn't quite enough time or headspace to articulate my point, but I hope it offers the food for thought that as the appetite for social mobility increases amongst popular discourse, so should our responsibility to understand the nuances associated with it. ”

There's a middle ground.

No money worries but living simply.

We could go out to eat regularly. I could get a coffee on my way into the office every week. We could hire babysitters and go out partying on a Friday night. We could go to all the mum groups or do the expensive activities.

Could doesn't equal must.

What we do is cook nice meals at home. We have the coffee we like in and make it at home. We garden. We grow fruit and veg. We go for walks. We attend free events and go to the local farm parks. We are members of the National Trust and English Heritage and go to the events they put on.

Having money doesn't mean you have to spend it. You're absolutely allowed to live how you like. Just without worrying about feeding your kids and heating the house.

Yep, I get what you mean.

No, absolutely not.

My memories of childhood mostly involve being cold. Of only having one school shirt which must have smelt by the end of the week. Hand me downs. Of never having the right sports kit. Of never going anywhere or doing anything. Of being excluded from school trips and swimming. Of one bathroom/loo between seven. Of one tepid bath a week. Of having no privacy. Of sharing a bedroom with two sisters. It was grim.

By 13 I was working. By 14 I was saving to leave.

Now I have a comfortable house in a rural area, a son in private school who is happy and relaxed, I have a career, nice clothes, hot water, decent food, holidays, I have friends over and don't feel embarrassed.

I have no desire to go back. It wasn't fun.