If you grew up poor do you ever miss it?

[Fstt1978]

This is a weird one. I grew up very poor , generational benefits, insecure housing etc.
I'm now firmly middle class to anyone looking in , and I'm probably romanticising it, but sometimes I find myself missing the simplicity of my other life. It's hard to talk about as it's very crass, and I have a lovely secure life now, but sometimes the choice of everything is overwhelming. Can anyone relate? I do not wnat to come over as tone deaf or entitled etc but I do find the class jump hard.

My nan grew up in the 30s/40s in a very poor area of the midlands. She would also talk about how hard it was and things she absolutely didn't miss, but she'd also talk very fondly of the community aspect, how everyone knew each other and would look out for eachother etc. I'm sure it was a bit romanticised but I know what you mean!

Hear, hear. Poverty was so time-consuming.

No, I will find a way to escape from there and never go back.

Exactly that. I lived in a tiny flat, no washing machine allowed, no car. Laundry took the best part of a day, traipsing to the laundrette on foot. Cleaning using budget products takes so much longer than with the right thing for the job. Then the endless trawling round shops because bread is cheaper here and toilet roll cheaper there, again on foot. Everything you might otherwise pay for, you have to find time to do yourself. Even my rubbish paid job took longer than my current one, to earn far less money.

To an extent. It does also depend who your friends are. You may we'll be in a group that doesn't want to just go to your house for a cuppa or out for a picnic. I always laugh when I hear these suggestions on TV.

Well yes, but probably also that they don't live close enough to just pop round. I only have one friend who lives around the corner. The others live far enough away that I'd feel obliged to offer more than just a cuppa. It'd have to be afternoon tea or something. Even when I did an aperitif type thing I got it wrong by offering sweet food with wine instead of savoury...

My friends are not snooty at all, but everything is an event, it's never just pop over and share the day to day stuff. It's meet for a coffee, out for lunch, go for a pub lunch etc etc
I don't hate it, and they are not snobby , it's just not in our normal behaviour to just come over and have a cuppa or hang out. It always becomes "let's watch a film and have snacks" "let's do face masks " everything is about consumption rather than just companionship

But are they true friends if they aren't willing to do things you enjoy, as well as things they enjoy?

I have friends who always want to be out, and when we catch up sometimes we go out, sometimes they come to mine. They don't like hosting so I won't make them do it, but I enjoy having people I love in my home. They know this, so they come and we always enjoy it.

We have conversations. They know that my parents, who are comfortable now, had literally nothing when I was born. They know I remember the struggling. And they know that this shapes my attitude towards spending. And they know that I genuinely enjoy spending time with loved ones in whatever capacity, whether that means doing nothing but drinking coffee and eating biscuits on my sofa or going out. Anyone who laughed at me for suggesting something I enjoy wouldn't be someone I spent time with in any way.

I myself don't like some of those suggestions though eg I do know one person who wants to sit on a bench in town and drink, but I don't want to be doing that like a teenager or a drunk. I also don't really agree that you have to do things you don't like with your friends. I won't go to watch the football with anyone, for example.

I also pointed out in another post that distance is also a reason why popping in for a cuppa doesn't really work for some groups of friends.

I didn't say things you don't like. But why would you be so against occasionally having a cuppa at a friend's instead of spending money? What is it about spending money that makes you so much happier than the company if your friend?

I'd prefer to stay home but I will go out with my friends and I'll enjoy it. If they said they wanted to drink on a park bench that would be a hard no, and probably trigger a conversation to check they're doing ok. I have friends who would prefer lunch out but do enjoy a chat with a cuppa and a cake at mine.

Well, watching a film with snacks could be something free on the Channel 4 player and a bag of popcorn, and face masks could be the yoghurt from the bottom of the fridge or porridge oats, so I’m not sure I’d see either of those as about ‘consumption’.

but with my friends they are- my friends are lovely- but for them, nothing is simple or cheap

OP, if you want to go back to having less choice and being poor, you can sell your house, rent a two up two down terrace in a close-knit neighbourhood, sell your car too so you have less freedom and have to reply on public transport, and send all the spare cash you now have to me 😄
You want less choice, I want more. This is a win-win situation 😄

"But why would you be so against occasionally having a cuppa at a friend's instead of spending money?

It's not instead of spending money, but instead of going to a cafe in a more easily accessible location.
If someone lives close by, then no problem, but I live in a city and people's homes are not necessarily central. It makes more sense to go somewhere where we can all get a direct bus.

Why would you be looked down on if your family and friends are all in the same situation.

Is it the simplicity of life that you miss? Do you crave a quieter and less complicated pace of life? Is it that you want a simple life with no 'keeping up' constantly, no constant rushing about to the next place, adding in more decisions which equals stress... I sort of see what you're saying, but I wonder if it's fewer demands that you crave...because when you were poor, choice was never an option, therefore everything was 'what it was'... But now, having more money leads to more choice, more busy schedules and more chance for decision fatigue. Of course popping over for a cuppa is much more chilled out that a night out in a bar. Bring on the cozy catch ups!!!

To add, I also think there is a cultural shift. We live in a much bigger 'consumer' culture than the boomers... They didn't have drive thru coffee shops on every corner, nor social media to lie to you a 'want' is actually a 'need'. You can easily opt for the simple life... Just start inviting people over for pj's and pudding... Start a trend!

Yeah I think this is right about choice . Maybe I should start doing some cosy simple hosting at home

I miss the sense of community our row of terraces we stuck together - we all helped each other out. As kids we would play on the streets. But in hindsight there was an undercurrent of crime - lots of drugs in the area, kids not going to school. We never did without but my parents were barely literate so could not do a lot for us but I remember when my dad went to a charity shop and bought me a set of encyclopaedias for about £2 from the 1950s! God love him and RIP dad you went so young

NO!!!!!!. Not being able to pay the milkman. Scraping the bottom of the freezer for the green beans that fell out of the bag. No snacks or treats, ever. No clothes other than the essentials. Worrying about being able to pay the rent. Never being able to take the children anywhere nice, ever. Not being able to afford the so-called 'voluntary' contribution for school trips.

Anyone who thinks fondly about being 'poor' was never really poor.

Not for one minute do I miss being poor- but I do get what you mean about the simplicity that invariably comes with not having the luxury of choice in what you buy.
My parents worked hard and we scraped by. It felt hard but I think when I was a child I wasn't unhappy because of it, kind of like you don't miss what you've never had. Once I became a teenager though I struggled with the lack of any opportunity open to me (by opportunity I mean simple things like being able to afford the bus money to go into town to meet friends etc)

@Gogogo12345 well there you have it. The assumption that poor people all exist in little ghettos where everyone is poor. The experience of poverty for children is not uniform.

Our family were poor but lived in a very scenic part of the country. At my school I stood out.

Right now in the scenic countryside your affluent kids will be mixing with poor kids. You probably don't even realise. The kids do though.

I know - I never felt "looked down on" even though there were kids at school with me who were much wealthier, they had cars, fridges, telephones 😁. Everyone in my family, and in my street, though, were like us, it was normal. I had one set of clothes to change into, out of my school uniform, for everyday wear, and one set for "best", worn to church on Sundays and to visit grandma.

I was very poor. I was aware of only wearing hand me downs.

Exactly the same.
We moved to quite a big house last year (by my standards anyway) and it feels so odd, it still doesn't feel homely/cosy.
It's the right thing with older kids who all now have bigger bedrooms, but I still feel weirdly unsettled.