To expect husband to feed baby on the weekends?

[Gemmy96]

I am a SAHM who looks after dc (1yo) from Monday to Friday solo. This includes all meals, with the exception of a few dinners a week, all cooking, all baby groups, all medical appointments, etc. All the usual SAHM things. My husband goes out to work Monday to Friday. We have just had our usual Saturday morning row because he wants to lie in (as if I ever get to!) and is whining about me asking him to feed the baby. The issue is, apparently, that he never gets a full day off. AIBU?

What does he actually bring to the table? I wouldn't be prepared to be a SAHM if it meant he thinks he can completely opt out of parenting his own child and won't even feed them at the weekend.

I'd look at going back to work and divorcing DH.

He needs to step up and feed his baby. He doesn't get to decide he has a lie in. He should be telling you to stay in bed. Looking after a young baby is very tiring. When do you actually have a rest , let me guess when baby sleeps.

Seriously?

We have two full time working parents here - OP who is FT working at home as a mum and her DH who is FT working out of the home.

Should he get preferential treatment? Is that because he's male or because he brings in money?

DH was SAHD whilst I went to work FT. We took it in turns at the weekend for a lie in. It was never even a discussion because we appreciated each other's contribution.

We used to divide the weekends into 6 chunks of time. We each got two chunks completely child free. That usually meant he had two lie ins because I hate staying in bed, and I had one evening and one afternoon. During our child free chunks of time we did NOTHING child related at all unless we actually wanted to.

So you want a day off? But he's not allowed one?

They're both your kids ffs. Take it in turns if you're that petty about it

@Blushingm "They're both your kids ffs. Take it in turns if you're that petty about it"

It is absolutely not petty to want some completely down time.

If he gets a lie in both days ... He has to trade it off with something else ie he has to take DC out for a couple of hours in the afternoon, so you have some breathing space. Or he does something else, but basically he can't opt out of parenting because he works and you are a SAHP

That’s literally what the OP asked for…her husband wants a lie in both days! He’s the one being selfish, not her.

Also if your baby is bottle fed, there is absolutely no reason he can’t be doing night feeds during the week or getting up with the baby some mornings in the week.

What do you think two working parents do? There isn’t some mythical 3rd one to drop in and do everything so they can sleep and not be disturbed because work. No, they get up and do it and then they get up and go to work. I was doing half the nights and still getting up at 5:30am for my 3 hour commute to London and not getting home til 7pm and then straight into bedtime and night wakings. Obviously, if you are a SAHM, it’s your ‘job’ to do most of it, but that doesn’t mean he can’t do some of it, just like all the other working parents.

If you are a SAHM consider it a forty hour a week job. It absolutely doesn't mean 24 hours a day. If you are doing 8 hours a day as your 'job' all the other hours need to be shared or worked out in some way. I always did night feeds because I was breast feeding. My husband did baths. I cooked, my husband cleared up, until the kids were old enough to help. It's not a strict decision of labour but an ebb and flow. We are all working together for everyone's good. Your husband seems to be thinking like a single man with no family responsibility

This argument is trotted out all the time on MN and it’s completely illogical. He’d still be working if she wasn’t a SAHP.

So, if he works Monday-Friday and "needs" downtime at the weekend, presumably he views childcare as too much hard work?
So how come it's not "too much hard work" for you to do 24/7 with no downtime from it at all?
He's a dick. Tell him he needs to pull his finger out and do some parenting with his child.

Sadly, many people think a SAHM/D as an 'taking the easy option' and that looking after children/home somehow makes them a less of a person. If you're in a relationship, regardless if you're married or not, you're supposed to work as a team. Squabbling over 'who is the most tired' or 'who works harder' is juvenile and not in the least helpful. Before having a baby, couples need to be honest about their expectations. If your partner is expecting to work full-time, and do absolutely nothing to help in the home or parent the baby, then his view of family life is not reality. The reality is, you do need to participate in helping your partner, the one you supposedly love, in the home and parenting. To think one person should do this 24/7 365 days per year, because he 'works' is selfish. Honestly, I do wonder what goes through some men's mind! They are grown adults, yet their attitude is immature. My husband would allow me a lay in on a Saturday and I'd allow him on a Sunday. Some weekends, he'd let me have both days, especially if my son had me up at all hours during the week. My husband worked full-time (still does) and therefore I did all the getting up at night during the week, and he would take over on a Friday/Saturday night. It's called team work!

Yes and sooner rather than later, before it's "our dc is 4 and i've never had a day to myself because dh is either in bed or out at a hobby when he's not at work." See that too many times on here.
And if he thinks caring for your dc isn't work, do as a pp suggested, get a weekend job and leave him to it with dc

Your allowing yourself to be treated badly, was being a SAHM a joint decision or were you bullied into it or wanted to be a SAHM?
As a women with 2 young DC, we both have professional jobs and work FT, have a cleaner and share lie ins at the weekend. We are a team. Your team mate sees you as maid and nanny. I would consider your work and husband options..

is it really such a big deal that it needs to create an argument, I’m sure the OP gets much more sit down time during the week when her OH is out working. one year old babies do still sleep a lot.

I get why a SAHM would be doing the domestic work as her spouse would be providing all the money. What I don’t understand is why the person who is at work all week, missing out on parenting their child, doesn’t want to spend as much time as possible bonding with and nurturing their child. Unless having a child was more about spreading their seed while also securing a housekeeper… surely not 🫣

My partner works full time. I’m on maternity leave for 9 months until he starts his 3 months of paternity leave and I go back to work full time.

We swap nights: one person looks after baby and the other person gets the bed all night uninterrupted.

He sleeps in on weekends, and then takes baby to his parents or out for a few hours with friends so I get 2-4 hours solo at home.

He cooks every night. I do all the cleaning.

I don’t understand why people are so reluctant to split parenting evenly with their partner.

Yes but he would be spending a lot of his cash on paid for childcare.

And he would be losing work time doing nursery drop offs and pick ups.

and using up his Annual leave when baby is sick and can’t go to nursery.

and he would be doing 50% of the housework and childcare for the 128 hours a week that he wasn’t at work.

If he feels that looking after/feeding his child is a job that means he doesn’t get a full day off, then he’s acknowledging that you have it as a job too. So if you do that job all week, when is your time off?

Because one adult is an asshole and decides to not get up.

Anyway, yanbu. My ex was like this. So he's missed 15yrs of his children growing up 🤷‍♀️.

@BIossomtoes but if she worked full time as well he'd have to do 50% of the nursery runs, take days off when the child is ill/ nursery is closed, do 50% of the housework and week time child care. His work life will be a lot harder (that is, of course if he actually stepped up and didn't just leave it to women like lots of men do(

Hardly lol She'd be doing the nursery runs, time off and housework.