DS being picked on at school - AIBU to help him change a little?

[BovrilEveryDay]

DS is 6. He was diagonised with autism and a learning disability at 4. He is in mainstream school and progressing really well with his reading and writing.

He has been picked on since he started primary. It got really bad end of last year but the schooo have been fairly proactive and things are a bit better.

DS often makes 'unusual' decisions about stuff. He picked a bright pink glitter scooter. He went to world book day dressed as something v silly & funny.

The problem is these choices are 100% fine with me (of course!) - but they are causing him upset and stress. He is now refusing to take scooter to park as boys laughed at him becaues it's got glitter. He also turned around and ran away from school when all the boys were wearing superhero/star wars stuff yesterday...shouting at me for dressing him in 'something stupid'.

I actually remember as a kid myself always feeling like i hadn't got things quite right...always slightly odd choice of clothes and so on - and i hated it. I wished I could just have done whatever i needed to do to not have any comments - but somehow i always picked the thing that drew comments.

He is naturally anxious, self-critical, self-conscious. I want to celebrate all his choices.

But sometimes I think maybe I should be encouraging him to pick the more typical stuff for an easier life? Is that an awful thign to think? Like now we have an unused scooter in the hall because he couldn't forsee the laughing - well, I could, but I let him get it anyway.

Any advice?

It's a shame but if I were you, I would definitely guide him towards more common choices. Maybe not exactly what other boys do/have but a bit less pink glitter. A friend of my DS has an awesome glittery bike but it's blue/green/red rather than pink for example

It’s fine to help guide children as to what is more socially acceptable- especially if he struggles with confidence. But you could broach it as more information based than judgemental- and let him decide.
Its hard as you don’t want your child to be a sheep- but you want their life to be easier.

Absolutely help him think through his choices. Tell him you love his idea/choice. State that it's not the typical choice of his peers. Wonder with him how he will feel if he's the odd one out. Tell him its ok to be different. Let him decide.

Eg, for the scooter, agree with him that the pink glitter scooter looks the most exciting and fun. But then wonder with him if he'll still love it next week/month/year. You can say that you don't see a lot of his friends on pink glitter scooters and ask him if if is happy to be different. Get him to think about would he be happy to ride it in the park? Would he be happy to ride it to school every day. You can only buy 1 scooter, and it needs to be a choice that he's happy with for a whole year.

can you spray paint the scooter? The glitter will probably still be there but a green or a blue will cover the pink and then at least he'll get use out of it

Based on ds reaction, I would forewarn him. So next year, when it’s time to discuss costumes I’d drop into conversation that Oliver and Harry were Spiderman and Superman last year to “remind” him to think like that. It’s sad that he can’t pick the costume that he’d like but if fitting in is the priority then guiding him will be a kindness.

Sell the scooter and replace it with one that won’t attract attention. Again it’s a shame that he can’t pick the one that he’d like but life is hard enough for him and I understand why the attention is hard to cope with.

Absolutely - guide and suggest less out there ideas but don't make him blend in too much, it's part of his personality, it's just finding a balance.
I definitely think a scooter makeover could be fun - spray paint and some multicoloured tape, keep it interesting but less pink

We let my son make some non traditional choices for boys at this age- he had blue glitter trainers and an umbrella with rainbow unicorns on it- but he was a confident child and the other kids didn't question it. Where you can now see this is upsetting him sadly I think the kindest thing will be to steer him to prevent standing out which he doesn't want.

Honestly I’d not try and change him, teach him to be confident in his own choices and sod whatever anyone else thinks. ‘Guiding him into more common likes’ is basically just making him mask himself, and as someone with a slight older ASD child it just causes a hell of a lot of anxiety, constantly worrying they’re making the ‘right choice’ rather than what makes them comfortable. He’s not doing anything wrong with having a glittery scooter! I have another child with high support needs ASD, he went through a phase of wanting to wear princess dresses. But he either doesn’t comprehend or doesn’t give a flying shit what anyone else thinks, and that’s how it should be.

Woah. I am a bit sad by the responses so far. Yes you could provide some gentle guidance but this is a school and peer issue, not a him issue. It might be worth considering alternative school options too. My child was in mainstream at a similar age and always on the fringes. We agonised over whether to switch to specialist provision but the change in him has been incredible. To see him with peers where he fits in and can fully be himself and be celebrated for this is just priceless. His ability to engage with peers and activities/learning is flourishing too.

What a shame his classmates are so intolerant of difference. Perhaps the school should be teaching its pupils the joys of open-mindedness. That aside, it seems such a shame to squash his self-expression even a little bit. My DS chose pink and black trainers and to my knowledge no-one has said anything. Can he be encouraged towards self expression in less exposing ways? Outside of school maybe, or with a trusted friend who won't comment on a play date in a way they might do in a group at school?

He is effectively asking for your help to fit in, so I'd definitely share with him what typical choices would be, so that he can make an informed decision on which way to go. Unfortunately, some kids can pull off doing quirky things and others can't and that isn't fair. It's there throughout school and isn't just the ND kids who experience it.

I actually had the same thing yesterday for my 8 year old, also neuro-diverse. His costume was not particularly girly or anything but when we got to school all the boys were mostly in football kits or super heroes and I worried he looked babyish. He didn't seem to care though, it was me who worried about it all day! And he doesn't even own a football kit I could have put him in anyway.

I think there's a balance like a pp said, hard to get right.

I agree with other posters. Dues to his needs he will not realise how abstract his decisions can be and it is your job to highlight it or simply mention; I have nothing against you having a pink scooter but bear in mind that other boys may find it girlish. How will you feel of someone is going to point out the colour or glitter? If you feel OK with it, I am fine with it too.

I would gently try and guide him, offer advice and pre-warn him that when he’s choosing things (like glittery pink scooters) that some children may have not nice things to say about it.

It’s really tough because you want them to be themselves and be confident in that but other children, peer pressure and bullying can be awful. Year 5-6 were the worst for my DD, even when she chose things (clothing, trainers etc) similar to what the other children had she’d be teased and told they were fake, I’m assuming through jealousy, and she’d get upset. I couldn’t win!

I think regardless of whether a child has SN or not, helping them to see the bigger picture when it comes to any of their choices is part of parenting.

That's not changing him, that's helping him to make an educated decision because he's not old enough to do it alone.

If his decision stays the same, then it's time to support him.

What is the ‘bigger picture’ here? Put aside what you like and what makes you comfortable to be seen as ‘normal’? What exactly is the issue with a boy having a pink, glittery scooter - what issues does that cause others to the point he has to give this up? The education he gets from this is ‘if what you enjoy makes others react negatively, it’s a you problem not them’. Doesn’t sound like great parenting to me.

Wow! This thread is an uncomfortable read!!!! I was just celebrating yesterday what a different place secondary school is to my day when one of our kids went to world book day dressed in a flamboyant and fabulous outfit: They would have been mocked, ostracised and bullied in my day. They had a wonderful day being complimented on their outfit. Theyve had a couple of kids over the years try a bit of bullying and the school have had it sorted by the end of the week. They had no friends in primary school because they are a little different but the staff looked after them and at secondary they’ve found their people and the staff openly celebrate them. They’re thriving.
find a lovely drama group. A good one isgreat at celebrating the individuality of kids.

My heart goes out to you OP, this is really difficult.

When I was a kid I struggled socially and I was always making choices that set me apart from the rest. I was picked on mercilessly. But unlike you, my parents didn't care and didn't even see it as a problem. They told me it wasn't happening, or if it was I should be happy about it because it meant I was different (i.e. better) and if I wasn't happy about it then the problem was "in me".

As the poem says, they fuck you up, your mum and dad! I've had lots of therapy and am still not over it in middle age 😭

By contrast you come across as very loving and concerned about how to square the circle between your DS getting on socially and being able to express himself with his choices.

I second what pp have said, about explaining the problem to him, if that's possible, if he is at a stage of development verbally and socially where he can understand the choices he has. Then it's up to him. I would focus on empowering him and supporting his autonomy and agency as much as possible.

If he makes a choice to wear something that he risks being picked on for then he's going into it with open eyes and he can prepare for it mentally. He will be in a very different position than just choosing something he likes and then being picked on out of the blue. If he's deciding to take the risk he can do things like talk through with you how he will deal with the consequences of his choice. After all life's full of choices with consequences.

Alternatively if he chooses to "fit in" he is choosing to make a sacrifice of what he personally wants in order to get on socially and that is also valid. It's all about agency.

If he isn't at that stage yet then to be honest I'd be guiding him towards fitting in. If he doesn't understand the consequences of his choices then perhaps he isn't old enough to be making them on his own. The time will come when you can discuss it with him. But until then perhaps it's like food choices; kids don't generally understand the consequences of their food preferences and that's why we don't let them write the shopping list... Perhaps it's the same with social choices. But this would be temporary.

I'd offer him information and let him choose.

"DS, I think that costume is great. But some children might laugh at a boy wearing that. If you want to wear it to school we can talk about things we might say if someone laughed at us. Or if you like you could wear it at home, and we could choose something different for school"

Yes help him. He's not currently enjoying the choices he's made.

I made a lot of weird, "off" choices as a child and got things wrong all the time, which I now understand was deeply interwoven with my autism. My parents were very supportive and nonjudgmental. I think a middle way sounds good, OP, as suggested by some commenters. It can be so distressing to be teased, mocked, ostracised... I wish that had happened to me less and I think it harmed me. But I also appreciate that my parents didn't judge me or pressure me to conform.

It's a fine line isn't it. You don't want him to have to change himself but at the same time, you don't want him picked on which will only force himself to change anyway, along with the angst and trauma of feeling less than.

I would give him a few options so that he is still choosing his preference, but within a set of more socially acceptable options.

In the meantime work on slowly building his confidence and resilience.

Is there a drama, dance, art group etc he could attend where being creative and less mainstream is more the "normal'?

What is wrong with asking child being themselves? A boy can take something pink and a girl blue?

If a girl wanted to take toy cars to school would they be lectured about having to conform

My child, when younger, was given some advice when they younger after that it was totally up to them, even then the advice was practical like not taking something incase it was lost

What do children have to be like everyone else, and who decides what is acceptable or not going by that anyway?

Ah this makes me feel sad. DS7 is like this, pink is his fave colour, he is utterly obsessed with pirates, occassionally picks things from the 'girls' section. I couldnt care less, and teach him to be proud of who he is. But I always warn him, 'most of your friends wont - like this, wear that, play this' etc so he can make an informed choice.

Maybe give him the options and reassure that whatever he chooses is absolutely fine with you?

I was horribly bullied at school for similar behaviour. I now know I have ASD, so it makes more sense why I was a little… strange. Compared to your son I will say I was more macabre and spooky, and that was genuinely off putting at points so in some instances I see why kids picked on me, but the things your son is doing seem harmless. It’s a shame kids are so mean. My mum and dad never guided me away from my interests or tried to make me more “normal” and there were pros and cons imo:
Cons: bullied, struggled to make friends, some parents were actually weirdly hostile towards me and didn’t want me playing with their kids on the rare occasions I did make friends (might not be as much of an issue for your son), I don’t have very good masking skills like a lot of female autistics do, so even now people tend to know I’m autistic (but that’s not always a bad thing, masking is just a good skill to have)
Pros: the friends I’ve made are good friends and we are like minded, I have had the same best friend for my entire life which I think is nice. I also felt totally loved and accepted by my parents and family, who always stood up for me, I have a thick skin.
I think there’s probably a happy medium somewhere between completely guiding him away from these things and letting him have total freedom.