DS being picked on at school - AIBU to help him change a little?

[BovrilEveryDay]

DS is 6. He was diagonised with autism and a learning disability at 4. He is in mainstream school and progressing really well with his reading and writing.

He has been picked on since he started primary. It got really bad end of last year but the schooo have been fairly proactive and things are a bit better.

DS often makes 'unusual' decisions about stuff. He picked a bright pink glitter scooter. He went to world book day dressed as something v silly & funny.

The problem is these choices are 100% fine with me (of course!) - but they are causing him upset and stress. He is now refusing to take scooter to park as boys laughed at him becaues it's got glitter. He also turned around and ran away from school when all the boys were wearing superhero/star wars stuff yesterday...shouting at me for dressing him in 'something stupid'.

I actually remember as a kid myself always feeling like i hadn't got things quite right...always slightly odd choice of clothes and so on - and i hated it. I wished I could just have done whatever i needed to do to not have any comments - but somehow i always picked the thing that drew comments.

He is naturally anxious, self-critical, self-conscious. I want to celebrate all his choices.

But sometimes I think maybe I should be encouraging him to pick the more typical stuff for an easier life? Is that an awful thign to think? Like now we have an unused scooter in the hall because he couldn't forsee the laughing - well, I could, but I let him get it anyway.

Any advice?

the excitment he has about his world book day costume (think vegetable!) - and honestly we have talked about little else for a week - he wanted to go as a certain vegetable that features in his fave book - and i did a good job at making it happen (glue gun at the ready!). I did even say 'you can pick other characters' but no -he was insistent and v happy about it. he looked great!

so then to see a certain boy laughing at him at the school gate. and see that literally every other boy in his class is a superhero. he stands out so much. and he hates it. but honestly he couldn't care less about superheros and would just never pick that.

That is a lot for a 6 year old to take on though. In an ideal world he should be able to be himself but unless the OP is prepared to move schools (which may not work any way if bullies are there too) or the school suddenly starts to manage it what else can he do? Carry on being bullied?

I agree. Why should OP's boy dim his light because his classmates are little shits!?

Rather than try and push him towards 'conventional' choices, I'd be putting that effort into helping him build resilience, so he doesn't give a damn what anyone thinks. Huge life lesson right there...

But the core diagnosis of autism is social difficulties, the answer isn’t to just pretend to be ‘normal’ to ease everyone else’s perceptions.

I don't recall anyone saying it is?

Helping children to make educated decisions is a pretty standard part of parenting.

How the child reacts or doesn't react to that help, will be down to the individual child.

@Simplynotsimple Actually masking can be a valuable skill to reduce stress for a ND person.

I think if he hates it then guide him but give him complete freedom at home. It is sad kids are still mean. The one thing ds does is have fabulous different socks which he often wears an odd pair, it expresses his personality without standing out. He has done this for years and still does at 18. I actually think your ds sounds fantastic!!

You sound like such a great parent to be considering all the options for your child - really. It’s a sad but lovely post. I must admit though that I am a bit surprised that your child is having problems with his peers to this extent. I know we need to be practical about social pressures but this is his peers problem not his. I do not have neurodivergent children but my son always wears his sisters hand me downs to school through choice (he’s the youngest of five - two girls in the middle) so is often in glittery leggings or pink trainers. He just loves bright colours. He is also quite creative and just veers towards quirky stuff. I confess I did think this might get some problems at school but it genuinely hasn’t. Lots of the boys at school like bright colours. Our primary seems to do loads of things about acceptance and diversity, odd socks day ‘because we are all special and unique’ - all that sort of stuff you know the type of thing and it seems to work because the kids couldn’t care less what colours anyone wears. I’ve never heard any remarks made. His older brother was very different and only wears black and khaki these days, but that’s still choice rather than pressure. I would be tempted to talk to school about it as they should be promoting more tolerance and then if your kiddie hasn’t got the confidence to just say I don’t care (or more importantly to actually not care) then maybe a simplistic version of a talk about society and pressures to look one way or another might help your son understand why they do it at least. He can then choose to make choices to fit in or not. Ultimately we all make this choice everyday in what we wear or do to fit in with expectations of society and he will have to do this all through school and life - but it would be a great shame to squash his creativity and difference at this age because other kids haven’t been taught acceptance.

Having said that I was bullied at school in the 90s because I had the wrong ‘bag’, it really ruined high school for me (once youre a victim you seem to attract more of the same) - I wish I could go back and have the confidence to not give a crap - but in truth I mostly wish I could just go back and buy the other bag!

I would have a quiet word with his teacher. At this age they will be having lots of lessons on social parts of the curriculum. If his teacher knows this is an issue they can focus some of these discussions around some of the areas that he is struggling with. Lots of books that can be looked at during the day. So many children challenge stereotypes these days and whilst in some homes this might not be discussed at much, in school it can be. Rules in the classroom are often based around being kind and accepting differences. The teacher should be able to work some of these issues into their day to make sure he feels comfortable and accepted. (Coming from a teacher)

Sorry but this is bullshit. Pandering to bullies' narrow-minded taunts is not 'developing healthy relationships'. And it's not 'bad parenting' that causes some kids to be picked on. Unfortunately some kids are born more different than others - OP's kid is ASD, and it seems that his peer group have really picked up on this. He's easy pickings for shitty bullies. Do you really think OP can teach him how to conform to this group?

Hi OP. The children at the school don't sound very nice. I don't think it has to be like that. At 10, my son has friends who are both boys and girls and has play dates with both. I have seen the friendships with girls tailing off a little as he's got older, which is probably social 'norms' kicking in, but at 6, gosh, no, half his best friends were girls. His 9th birthday party was a mixed sleepover. His younger brother has always been more of a boys' boy, so it isn't like that across the board, but it's certainly not abnormal within the school.

And as for World Book Day, children absolutely go in wacky costumes. If someone had gone dressed as a vegetable at our school they'd have been the talk of the class, but not in a bad way.

Our school is a small village school. Perhaps because there isn't a lot of choice over friendships the children do branch out more, with friendships across year groups and between different sexes. There's a fair amount of neurodiversity/SEN, and I think it's pretty accepted. I'm not saying it's some neurodiverse utopia, some children do struggle more with friendships (my ds included), but it doesn't sound like your school at all, where the children sound downright mean.

Honestly, I'd be maybe looking around at other schools and whether a change of scenery might be good for him.

Bless you, OP. The vegetable thing sounds so cool and creative! The band of superheroes sound boring AF. I know it's shit that they're laughing at him and it's upsetting. He's not wrong to feel sad about it because it's so natural to want to fit in. But he sounds WAY cooler than those losers. Could you show him any pictures of other kids doing WBD on social media etc to show him how many other awesome costumes there were?

OP is textbook bad parenting - her kid has "ASD" so needs more help/guidance with social rules because they wont come to him as naturally. So, rather than helping him learn what constitutes normal behavior, she instead buys him a pink glittery scooter and sends him out to the park to get bullied. Brilliant stuff.

Well I think we know who the school bully on this thread is.

I would be wary of type casting the NT boys in the class. There are usually boys in every class who are into things other than football and superheroes and they all need to develop some skills to navigate a world where most people expect them to be interested in football. It might get easier as he gets a bit older and develops his own interests - I remember on leaving infant school about 90% of boys in DS's class wanted to be footballers or YouTubers, but by end of primary they had a lot more ideas. Even in a year or two some might be doing karate, dance, chess, music. You're feeling this more acutely because your son is maybe a bit further out on a limb, still very young and maybe doesn't have the skills yet to cope with the odd (IME inevitable) "why have you got a girls' scooter?". The way forward is not just conforming, but also trying to upskill on handling those situations.

With DS I would encourage "some people might say..." which you can use to think about responses without undermining his own views.

When he's older hobbies like orchestras can be a good fit. Attracts boys and girls, lots of structured time.

I tended to draw a middle line with buying stuff. I don't think I'd have done the pink sparkly scooter, we had boringly sensible primary unisex colours that could be handed down. DS liked bright colours but he had a bright red and grey coat or an orange one, rather than a pink one, that kind of thing. You can also own some of the decisions and give him handmedowns or choose practical colours - it doesn't need to be explicitly you buying him things to fit in. Not everything he owns needs to be about his self expression. BUT totally also make sure he has stuff he loves too.

I think I change my opinion based on this. I thought it would be reasonable to help him shift a bit too fit in, but this school community seems really entrenched in sexist stereotypes. It sounds really hard for him. Might be worth looking elsewhere to see if you can find a better fit.

I completely disagree with this, schools absolutely can and should promote a culture of tolerance and acceptance. The way the adults behave influences the behaviour of the children, especially at primary. I work in FE and our values are an absolutely key part of what we do and i have challenged this sort of low level bullying many times. A school that says they cant change this with 6 year olds is not doing its job properly.

Everyone masks themselves to fit in. Lots of little boys like pink and glitter. Most of them realise it's not usual (in our society ) for boys to wear that stuff by 3 or 4. Op's child for whatever reason struggles to pick that up. It's right that OP should help him in this regard.

I have a 3.5 year old boy who loves princess dresses, hair clips and pink. He is already realising now that boys don't wear these things and doesn't wear them outside our home any more. It doesn't cause him any trauma, he just says "I will take this off before going to nursery because boys don't wear hair clips". It's not come from me either it's just observation of the world we live in.

We all have to fit in in society and people will make judgements based on our appearance. If a child either genuinely doesn't notice or is aware and doesn't care then let them crack on, but it would be cruel for the OPs child when they need their parents help, to refuse to help them in the name of principle. After all would you go to your office job in a sparkly princess dress or a superhero outfit?

I think the school should be handling this. He's 6. Children that age are naturally accepting. They can be guided towards being kind to their peers . Different by late primary but these are really young children and bullying shouldnt be unavoidable. Have you spoken to the teacher?

I have an autistic son the same age OP, and let him choose what he wants - he has a pink scooter and yet to be bullied for that or wearing something pink and sparkly.

I've always been open with him about gender stereotyping and how certain people may react to him choosing pink/sparkles etc, and he seems to have taken it on board.

Oh, and ignore the PP who suggested not forcing your 6yo into a narrow and ever-changing definition of what a boy should like is somehow bad parenting.

Wow. Just had an uncomfortable exchange with his teacher

DS increasingly saying he doesn't want to go to school in mornings nad been struggle this week. I emailed his class teacher to tell them that and he cries about no friends. (Thr pastoral lead literally asked me to keep them up to date with any issues at home). Emailed on Tuesday morning. No reply so called office this morning to ask if possible to get message to class teacher

Teacher came over to me just now and said "sorry I didny reply to your email. You didn't ask a specific question so I didn't know you wanted me to reply". I said "I didng know if you'd got it so was checking" (the email goes to generic reception inbox) and she said "are you asking for me to acknowledge emails even if there is no specific question?" And I was like "urm, yeah".

She also said DS is totally fine. She's sees nothing

She makes me feel I'm making things up or being unreasonable but I really don't I am. Maybe I am!! Surely normal to acknowledge an email about school refusal and crying at home?

OP is your DS able to join in with all the same work that the other kids do in his class? If he isn't then I would be looking at an SEN school because it can be quite isolating IME. If he is then then maybe it would be worth having a look around and seeing if there are any mainstream schools where he would be more accepted for himself. The current school really doesn't sound great tbh.

What an odd exchange! I would guess two things, firstly that a lot of your ds's biggest issues happen in the playground when the teacher isn't there. Secondly I would guess that his behaviour in class isn't a big problem so in the teachers opinion he's 'totally fine'. IME that's not unusual.

It's not unusual for kids with ASD to struggle with the transition from home to school and you'd kind of hope that the teacher might have spoken to you about some suggestions to help with that. But I guess not!

Thing is sometimes what is seen by teachers and what the child feels is different.

I remember a friend said to me her dd in year 1 has told her she was in the bottom group for reading and everyone in the class was better than her.
I helped with reading in that class. I took the second group, and her DD was one of the better ones.

I've also heard parents say their child says they played with no one when actually they spent almost the entire playtime with others. Just the 2 minutes they were on their own was the bit they remembered.

That isn't saying that it isn't real to your ds, just that sometimes what the children perceive and what the teacher sees is different.
I'd go back to the teacher and ask how she can help his confidence with others because he feels he has no friends. That way you are saying his thoughts, and asking for help, but without it meaning that she can just say that she's watched and he seems fine. He might be fine at that moment but it's the feelings later than are effecting him.

I think you might try guiding gently without making a drama, when the choice is an obvious statement but there are obviously alternatives e.g. "That pink sparkly one is great, but did you see this light-up red LED one, wow!!?"

Without knowing the costume, it sounds like the kids were just being mean. So what if there are 5 spidermen, supertato is still cute. Either you and he are being over-sensitive to laughter (which at this age can be more "oh wow" rather than "you look stupid"), or the school is really not a great fit for him. You'll need to think that one over. Do you have any mum friends at the school who you could ask for input?

The email might have been solicited by the pastoral lead but the teacher is either unaware and/or disagrees and sees this is needless admin and fussy parenting. A polite "thank you for letting us know, I'll keep an eye" would have been a much more politic response from her, but this is not a battle I would fight now.

Primary experience is highly dependent on the class teacher. We had some good years but a lot of damage done in the bad ones, which we have not been able to repair. The bigger structure/culture does make a difference and it sounds like you need to draw on it. Generally I got on best when asking for specific, easy to implement strategies. Like at work - bring them practical solutions that are easy for them to say yes to, not big diffuse problems you're asking them to unpick and solve. It's hard though, especially at this age, for a parent to know what to ask for. It might be worth asking for (another?) meeting with SENCo.