DS being picked on at school - AIBU to help him change a little?

82 replies

BovrilEveryDay · 07/03/2025 09:22

DS is 6. He was diagonised with autism and a learning disability at 4. He is in mainstream school and progressing really well with his reading and writing.

He has been picked on since he started primary. It got really bad end of last year but the schooo have been fairly proactive and things are a bit better.

DS often makes 'unusual' decisions about stuff. He picked a bright pink glitter scooter. He went to world book day dressed as something v silly & funny.

The problem is these choices are 100% fine with me (of course!) - but they are causing him upset and stress. He is now refusing to take scooter to park as boys laughed at him becaues it's got glitter. He also turned around and ran away from school when all the boys were wearing superhero/star wars stuff yesterday...shouting at me for dressing him in 'something stupid'.

I actually remember as a kid myself always feeling like i hadn't got things quite right...always slightly odd choice of clothes and so on - and i hated it. I wished I could just have done whatever i needed to do to not have any comments - but somehow i always picked the thing that drew comments.

He is naturally anxious, self-critical, self-conscious. I want to celebrate all his choices.

But sometimes I think maybe I should be encouraging him to pick the more typical stuff for an easier life? Is that an awful thign to think? Like now we have an unused scooter in the hall because he couldn't forsee the laughing - well, I could, but I let him get it anyway.

Any advice?

OP posts:

5128gap · 07/03/2025 18:02

If you know the outcome of your child's choice is going to cause them significant harm or upset, you should always step in to prevent it imo. Part of being the wiser one with the experience and foresight is to use it to protect them. I don't mean inconsequential every day choices which teach consequences, but when it's a matter of bullying and real distress that you can see coming, definitely then.

Dramatic · 07/03/2025 18:28

Shintoland · 07/03/2025 13:19

I would be wary of type casting the NT boys in the class. There are usually boys in every class who are into things other than football and superheroes and they all need to develop some skills to navigate a world where most people expect them to be interested in football. It might get easier as he gets a bit older and develops his own interests - I remember on leaving infant school about 90% of boys in DS's class wanted to be footballers or YouTubers, but by end of primary they had a lot more ideas. Even in a year or two some might be doing karate, dance, chess, music. You're feeling this more acutely because your son is maybe a bit further out on a limb, still very young and maybe doesn't have the skills yet to cope with the odd (IME inevitable) "why have you got a girls' scooter?". The way forward is not just conforming, but also trying to upskill on handling those situations.

With DS I would encourage "some people might say..." which you can use to think about responses without undermining his own views.

When he's older hobbies like orchestras can be a good fit. Attracts boys and girls, lots of structured time.

I tended to draw a middle line with buying stuff. I don't think I'd have done the pink sparkly scooter, we had boringly sensible primary unisex colours that could be handed down. DS liked bright colours but he had a bright red and grey coat or an orange one, rather than a pink one, that kind of thing. You can also own some of the decisions and give him handmedowns or choose practical colours - it doesn't need to be explicitly you buying him things to fit in. Not everything he owns needs to be about his self expression. BUT totally also make sure he has stuff he loves too.

Edited

I had to give my DD a couple of phrases to say about her scooter after her friend told her it was a "baby scooter" (because it has 3 wheels rather than 2 🙄) they are only 4! She was a bit upset about it so I showed her the box which said it was from age 3-11 and definitely wasn't for babies. So the next day she scooted up to the girl and said "my scooter is for 11 year olds, it's not for babies" and this girl seemed to accept it and they happily scooted off. I'm hopeful this will give her the confidence to stand up for herself in future too.

greengreyblue · 07/03/2025 18:35

That’s such a shame . I work in primary and we have a couple of boys that follow a less than stereotypical path in terms of their choices. Think dresses on mufti day and even girl’s shoes . Nobody bats an eyelid. I’d look at a different school.

Ladamesansmerci · 07/03/2025 18:43

I'd just give him the facts but let him decide.

'boys can play with any colour scooter, but some boys might make fun of a pink scooter because they think it's for girls. It's not right for them to do that, but it may happen'.

I think it's desperately sad though. I'm an undiagnosed neurodivergent, and I felt like an alien socially. I still loved Pokémon as a teen, I was into opera, I dress quite quirky, I just had very nerdy interests. I had spreadsheets dedicated to my interests 😭🤣 I had a couple of other close equally odd friends as a kid, but really found my niche as an adult. I'm confident in my interests now and I am who I am. The fault isn't with your son. We should be teaching children to accept and celebrate differences.

iamnotalemon · 07/03/2025 18:47

It's such a shame that his behaviour or likes have to be toned down just so that some other fuckwit bully children don't pick on him!

I know kids can be cruel though but it's these kids that need to change their behaviour, not your DS.

1Strawberrycat · 07/03/2025 18:55

Please don't encourage him to be something he's not. He will be so unhappy and feel he's not good enough. The situation at main stream school will slowly destroy his confidence. I would take him out of his current school and find a special school somewhere where they will embrace his differences. (Or home school).

Tickledtrout · 07/03/2025 19:05

Children with autism have impaired social understanding and that means having to be taught explicitly about the social norms that other children learn implicitly. Tools like social stories can help you here, OP.
There are outfits that make us happy when we're dressing up at home and outfits that make us happy because they make us fit in with what the other boys are wearing.
Teacher sounds unhelpful tbh but maybe she's just having a bad day.

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