DS being picked on at school - AIBU to help him change a little?

[BovrilEveryDay]

DS is 6. He was diagonised with autism and a learning disability at 4. He is in mainstream school and progressing really well with his reading and writing.

He has been picked on since he started primary. It got really bad end of last year but the schooo have been fairly proactive and things are a bit better.

DS often makes 'unusual' decisions about stuff. He picked a bright pink glitter scooter. He went to world book day dressed as something v silly & funny.

The problem is these choices are 100% fine with me (of course!) - but they are causing him upset and stress. He is now refusing to take scooter to park as boys laughed at him becaues it's got glitter. He also turned around and ran away from school when all the boys were wearing superhero/star wars stuff yesterday...shouting at me for dressing him in 'something stupid'.

I actually remember as a kid myself always feeling like i hadn't got things quite right...always slightly odd choice of clothes and so on - and i hated it. I wished I could just have done whatever i needed to do to not have any comments - but somehow i always picked the thing that drew comments.

He is naturally anxious, self-critical, self-conscious. I want to celebrate all his choices.

But sometimes I think maybe I should be encouraging him to pick the more typical stuff for an easier life? Is that an awful thign to think? Like now we have an unused scooter in the hall because he couldn't forsee the laughing - well, I could, but I let him get it anyway.

Any advice?

Absolutely. You are letting him go like a lamb to the slaughter!

I think it’s a really challenging situation. I’d be reluctant to guide him to what are perceived as more normal choices, as everyone is an individual and that should be celebrated. Yes talk to him about what other people think and how he feels about it to help him build up some resilience. I think there also needs to be a conversation with the school as this is a low level form of bullying and should be nipped in the bud, as it will only get worse as they get older.

Small children value conformity and can be vicious to those who are different. Value your DS for who he his, but help him fit in too.

The bigger picture is that there is a chance he may end up reacting the way he did, after he chose the scooter and the outfit.

Had he been prepared, he may/may not have reacted differently.

He may also have made the same choices but they would have been informed choices at least.

It sounds as though the reactions he got, came as quite a shock because no-one told him about the possibility of it happening.

Tough situation! It's totally fine for a boy to have a pink sparkly scooter - my DS would choose this every time. Sadly, the consequences have to be recognised so if he isn't able to accept and challenge the comments then you have to guide him towards a different choice (maybe a half way house?). Or speak to the school/parents to get them to help support the choice? My DS will generally choose pink & sparkly and I'm totally ok with that but we do talk about it and are more cautious around school. He had a pink water bottle and decided to ditch that after he had comments at school. Good luck!

he’s 6, its totally unacceptable to be bullied at that age. I would consider moving schools. You shouldn’t have to be enforcing gender stereotypes to protect him from bullying. My son loved pink too, and glitter, he grew out if it but has always been individual/flamboyant/not bothered what others think. I would be wary of giving the “just fit in” message too strongly at this age. He should be able to be himself.

The op explained that her son has autism with a learning disability, the advice of ‘tell him so he can make an informed choice’ doesn’t apply in the same way. He could insist that it’s the pink scooter that he wants and still be upset that other children are bullying little shits. The wants and later reactions will be in the moment, its not as simple as explaining to an NT child.

Maybe im over thinking this but i do feel theres an underlying misogyny/homophobia in these sort of attitudes. You cant have a pink scooter because pink is for girls and girls are lesser than boys. It comes from the adults, not the children.

I didn't say it was simple.

Also, you wrote that as though you think all children with autism/learning disabilities are the same.

The OP knows her own child and she's considering helping him with his decisions, I'm guessing she thinks it may be possible.

So what I can say is I have a pre teen daughter now who has always been “ unique “ even now she really does not follow the “ norm “ with in her peer group. When she was younger and struggled at school I attempted to do what you are thinking about doing and I saw my DD lose her spark, lose who she was and we reverted backwards. What she needed was confidence, support and the ability to own her ways. Now she is 12 and she does not have a huge amount of friends, she is not popular but she can carry her self in a way to fend then bullies and has a lovely friendship group that like her for her which consists of 3 and she is so much more happy in her self and does not care she is not wearing a white fox hoodie or anything the same as the others.

My son is 6 and chooses pink and sparkly as well. He's friends with most of the girls. Perhaps your son should make friends with people more like him than the ones who are going to laugh at him.

This is a life lesson for all kids, really. Do you choose what you want or do you do what others expect of you? It's sad that he feels on the outside but would a blue scooter really help with that if he's an outsider anyway (I mean that in the nicest possible way)? If he's always going to be "different" the best thing to do would to give him the confidence to be himself and screw anyone who laughs at him. It takes inner strength to do that but he has you in his corner. 💪🏻

I think it is fair to guide him in his choices He isnt aware it is 'out there' so isnt prepared for other childrens reactions.

If he still wants to go ahead with his choice or reign it back a little til he does have the confidence it will be his choice. But the important thing is to tell him if its outside the usual. Maybe teach him some retorts or how to deal with reactions like that.

I defos wish my parents had guided me a bit more on these things. I didnt have the confidence when i was younger but was allowed my choices. So it knocked my confidence even more.

Also, I would add that you say you "always picked the thing that would attract the comments". Perhaps the comments were always coming anyway, regardless of what you picked.

You could maybe rehearse with your son what his response might be if someone says anything or laughs. Give him some phrases, for example: "I like it and I don't care what you think."
"I chose this because I like it."
"Your opinion doesn't matter to me."

I really disagree with the suggestion that you should guide him towards stereotypical boy stuff. It is not inevitable that he will be bullied for not liking superheroes /pink glitter etc. The school needs to clamp down/intervene. I do feel like this is a moment where you should be honouring your son's choices/individuality and not teaching him that the bullies are right and there is something wrong with him (I know this is not your intention but I do worry this is the message that he would take from it).

It's a lovely theory that anyone can wear/have what they want and no one will bat an eyelid

In real terms, that doesn't happen. Even with adults, they may not say anything, but people tend to gravitate towards like-minded people. Someone who is perceived to be a little "odd" whether by actions, dress or something else will often be avoided.

I have a relative who has been very vocal about how wonderful it is that children don't care about people being different any more and encouraging his DC in being very different. (Think along the lines of dressing/make up as a doll level).
I don't think it has made the DC any happier because they're stuck between a parent who is terribly proud that they are different and the comments of their peers. None of them are confident, nor have many friends. The oldest is now an adult and feels that their parent misled them and they'd have been happier trying to fit in.

For my DC, I would always let them choose, but talk about how reaction might be if it was something that might stand out.
One normally would sometimes do what she wanted, but not always.
One always wanted to fit in, so her choice was round that.
One doesn't care as long as he's comfortable and people could say anything and he really wouldn't care.

I would also say there is a lovely boy in my DD's yr 1 class who loves sparkles, comes to mufty days in a variety of dresses, loves Elsa, and is generally non-stereotypically boyish. He is very popular with the girls and boys and accepted for who he is.

I disagree profoundly with this.

I don’t give a toss about colours etc - I never had pink stuff as a kid as I don’t like the colour. My gran laughed about me and blue when she ribboned my 18th birthday cake in blue. I was never a girly girl.

But - it is too much to try to train a child who is upset about this not to give a toss. It simply will not work. If your DC is upset, then you need to give them the information they need as suggested by several posters. As they get older they might well develop a stronger response and do their own thing, but it is not right to try to address other children’s intolerances over silly stuff like pink scooters by trying to toughen your own child up.

Some kids are naturally confident and can basically do whatever they want without judgement, in an ideal world it would be the same for every child but unfortunately it just isn't the case.

And as I replied in a later post, due to this child being autistic and having a learning disability then typical strategies suggested are not helpful. It is typically MN/AIBU though, most posters have absolutely no idea about how to approach difficult situations from the perspective of an autistic person and giving inappropriate advice that is often not workable.

The way to become more 'naturally confident' sure isn't to change to suit your bullies' taunts.

I categorically have not written as if all ASD children are the same, if you cared to notice I previously posted about having two very different children who are autistic and approach their social environment differently. But the core diagnosis of autism is social difficulties, the answer isn’t to just pretend to be ‘normal’ to ease everyone else’s perceptions. Masking is the worst thing to expect of an ND child, especially when it comes to gender expectations.

School cannot teach the value of open mindedness. Kids can give lip service to it within hearing of teachers but everyone knows kids are bloody mean and will pick on any weakness.
It comes from parents and unfortunately, there are not enough parents who are accepting of differences.

ND family here and we live with this day in and day out. Too clever. Picked on. Dumbed down. Picked on. Wear the wrong thing. Picked on.

The only thing you can do is focus on your child and install acceptance within him. Otherwise you are setting up to fail

I've been surprised/disappoitned by how traditional the kids in the school seem. The boys are very loud, dominant, and like all typical boy stuff. The girls stick together and v girly.

DS prefers the company of girls but is insistent that I can't invite a girl over for a playdate as 'boys don't play with girls' (that is coming from somewhere and it's not me!!) and i havee to say the girls' mums don't seem keen either to make that happen. I have realised that kids are having birthday parties now in boy and girls separate groups and my boy isn't invited to either.

I do try to talk to DS but he can get angry with me. So lots of hiding under the bed, 'stop talking stop talking' and covering his ears. I try so hard to reassure but he finds conversation challenging and doesn't want to talk about stuff.

@Justyouwaitandseeagain - ah that's interesting. so did you move your DS to specialist for the social side of things? I had worried so much about the learning but think the social side of things is the most challenging. I have seen him being openly laughed at/teased numerous times and he is starting to try to refuse to go to school.

Poor little fellow! He is at an age where children are seeing differences very clearly and unfortunately that is only going to increase in coming years. If you're lucky, he will come upon some friends in future that are equally 'unusual' and they can enjoy each others quirks. For now, perhaps indeed guide him towards more mainstream choices at school but give him a safe space at home where he is allowed to dress/play the way he wants. Are there perhaps any clubs in your area that he could join that celebrate diversity a bit (theatre, arts etc)?

Of course you should steer him away from silly choices that make him ostracised. Its in his best interest.

A basic part of parenting is teaching your children the social rules which are necessary for getting on with their peers and developing healthy relationships. Yes, as they get older, many children will decide they want to push back against these brules and break them, and this is completely fun. But there is a huge, huge difference between deliberately breaking social rules in order to express yourself, and accidentally breaking rules because you dont know what they are. Its the latter type which are going to get bullied, and its often due to bad parenting

6 years old si far ttoo young for the narcissistic Western "jUsT bE yOuRsElF" nonsense anyway. He can worry about that when he's a teenager.