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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

All my immediate family are going to my niece's wedding except me

79 replies

Anonanonandon · 06/03/2025 17:12

My niece is getting married in July. They want a quiet wedding, no fuss so it is just her, fiancee and their parents, grandparents and siblings. I have no problem with her decision.

My sister and her DH are doing all the organising. I am very close to my niece, as is my brother. I learned yesterday that my brother will be at the wedding as the photographer, this has been arranged by my sister and her DH, not by my niece. I know my niece would be devastated to know I am upset.

I am very hurt, we are a small family, my sister and I are each other 's best friends, or so I thought, but I shall be the only member of 'our' family who will not be at the wedding.

I know I can't go as my BIL has 3 siblings who have not been invited and if I go it will cause him huge problems.

I have told my DS and BIL that I am upset, they have apologised, they just didn't think it through. They too are now upset.

AIBU to be upset or have I got it all out of perspective.

OP posts:

Trumptonagain · 06/03/2025 17:36

Despite your DSis doing the organising surely you niece gets a say in who she wants to attend her wedding?

MiddleClassProblem · 06/03/2025 17:39

It sounds like he is only going because it will be cheaper for even free photos. I think it’s an oversight that everyone else is invited because they’ve asked him.

It’s insensitive but I think you need to reframe it.

DarkMagicStars · 06/03/2025 17:41

It gets too big of a wedding if people get invited just because ABC are going.

Respect their wishes. You were wrong to upset people over if.

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 06/03/2025 18:14

@Anonanonandon is your bro going to the wedding to take pics and leave or is he also going for a meal with them around a table?? is the wife of bro also going? is he even a photographer?

LegoAirlines · 06/03/2025 18:36

It's fine. It's her wedding, not your social occasion.

'Inviting aunty wotsit because it's the done thing' is exactly what people want to avoid by having a small wedding.

IsItAllRubbish · 06/03/2025 18:38

That is really thoughtless of them and they should feel a little bad about upsetting you. But I guess there is not much you can really do.

Mayhem01 · 06/03/2025 18:40

So who has done the guest list? Your niece or your sister?

FoFanta · 06/03/2025 18:44

We did similar - had a tiny wedding (only our parents and siblings invited). One of my husbands uncles is a keen amateur photographer, and my MIL asked if he could take some photos of the ceremony. We wouldn't have had any photos otherwise, so were delighted. But he didn't come to the meal and he wasn't part of the wedding. I hope that none of my MIL's other siblings were upset. It certainly wasn't intended as a snub.

Could you offer to do the flowers to be part of the preparation, even if you aren't included in the event itself? Their decision to have a small wedding isn't a reflection on how much your neice loves and values you, so please try not to see it as such.

NotTheDebtDoctorWithTheHungryScalpel · 06/03/2025 18:46

Your brother is there as free labour, not as a guest.

They want a tiny/cheap wedding, its really unfair to make anyone feel bad about that. Let them have their day their way.

MargaretThursday · 06/03/2025 18:57

If he's taking photos then he isn't really there as a guest. He will be focusing on getting the photos so not really enjoying the wedding as such.

if it's his job or even if he's a keen but good amateur, then he's doing them a pretty expensive favour. I mean when we got married nearly 30 years ago we paid about £500 and that wasn't the most expensive one we looked at.

I think you've been mean to mention it to your sister, because it sounds very much as though it's one of those things that happened, not a deliberate slight, and you've now put her (and potentially your niece if it gets back to her) in an awkward situation.

One of those times when you should have licked your wounds, gone away and thought about it and realised it wasn't about you.

TidyDancer · 06/03/2025 19:18

Oh wow. They've been really insensitive about this haven't they? I'm not surprised you're upset. I think your sister and BIL have made things quite difficult for your DN as well as you. I don't think there's any way to fix this really. I think you need to do your best to show your DN you're happy for her and maybe to protect your own feelings just back away from your sister for a bit.

ElBandito · 06/03/2025 19:26

I don't think it's anything personal, but they've hurt you and potentially the aunts and uncles on the other side of the family (if they find out) because they wanted free photos.

Biscuitsnotcookies · 06/03/2025 19:28

I am cheeky but if I was as close to your sister as you are, I would ask to be given a job so I could go.

Shimmyshimmycocobop · 06/03/2025 19:35

I had a really small wedding as in 2 witnesses, one of whom was my sister. My brother was hurt that he wasn't invited as there are 3 of us, but if we invited him then we would have had to invite my BIL as my siblings were there and he wasn't, plus my SIL. If they were invited my FIL would have expected an invite, and on it went. I don't have any regret but keeping a wedding small means someone's feelings are going to get hurt sadly.

DelphiniumBlue · 06/03/2025 19:35

Well you say they are close, you'd think they'd be aware that you're upset to be left out. I don't understand why your niece is devastated, surely she could invite you if she wanted to? There's no rule saying if you invite one aunt you have to invite them all. People invite those they are closest to. They shouldn't be surprised at your reaction when they have made it clear how important you are to them.

Ddakji · 06/03/2025 19:37

That’s a real shame and I’m not surprised you’re upset about it. Very thoughtless.

lollynip · 06/03/2025 19:40

No siblings allowed apart from someone with an unpaid role. I understand why you're upset but think you're unreasonable for making them feel bad. If you end up getting your way you would have forced their hand, either financially or by them upsetting the other siblings.

steff13 · 06/03/2025 19:42

Offer to do the catering?

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 06/03/2025 19:43

he is invited as the photographer. full stop.
what is the issue

Wakeywake · 06/03/2025 19:47

One uncle was invited to take photos, it just so happens he's your brother. 3 other aunts/uncles of the bride haven't been invited, and I presume others on the groom's side haven't been invited either. They've not snubbed you on purpose.

Ddakji · 06/03/2025 19:49

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 06/03/2025 19:43

he is invited as the photographer. full stop.
what is the issue

Don’t be so obtuse. He’s still invited, which means all of the OP’s small family except her is going to this small family wedding. Of course it’s hurtful.

Qwee · 06/03/2025 20:22

Very hurtful.
What on earth were they thinking.
I wouldn't say anything further.
You told them, they know.

Onlyvisiting · 06/03/2025 20:26

YABU. You've said yourself that it wouldn't be right to invite you and not the grooms aunts/uncles, what did you hope to achieve by complaining? She didn't even invite your brother, her parents did.
If it gets back to her that you are upset by this it will do nothing except spoil the day for them. The only way they could 'fix' it is to invite more people and make the wedding bigger. Which means they would not be having the wedding they want, purely to keep other people happy.

NotSoFar · 06/03/2025 20:28

I think you’re making it all about you. It’s just parents, grandparents and siblings. Your brother is only there as free labour. You know precisely why you weren’t invited, and why the other aunts and uncles of the couple weren’t invited. Poor form of you to complain.

nodramaplz · 06/03/2025 20:39

Have you any other siblings not going?

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