All my immediate family are going to my niece's wedding except me

[Anonanonandon]

My niece is getting married in July. They want a quiet wedding, no fuss so it is just her, fiancee and their parents, grandparents and siblings. I have no problem with her decision.

My sister and her DH are doing all the organising. I am very close to my niece, as is my brother. I learned yesterday that my brother will be at the wedding as the photographer, this has been arranged by my sister and her DH, not by my niece. I know my niece would be devastated to know I am upset.

I am very hurt, we are a small family, my sister and I are each other 's best friends, or so I thought, but I shall be the only member of 'our' family who will not be at the wedding.

I know I can't go as my BIL has 3 siblings who have not been invited and if I go it will cause him huge problems.

I have told my DS and BIL that I am upset, they have apologised, they just didn't think it through. They too are now upset.

AIBU to be upset or have I got it all out of perspective.

I don’t want a "community" who will retract their support as soon as I do anything they disagree with.

Id be very upset too tbh

If you're trading wedding invites for future favours then it's not help, it's a transaction.

If you're happy with your relationships being transactional then good for you, I prefer just to be a supportive and decent person for the sake of it.

Weddings bring out the worst in people ime.

It's up to the bride and groom what they want to do.

My DH and I were the only people at our wedding. 18 years ago That;s what we wanted.It wasn't a public occasion or even a family one, God, the thought of being the centre of attention fills me with dread and fear. a small occasion, witnesses staff from the hotel.

To this day, I HAD a great friend (so I thought) who still doesn't speak to me as I didn't invite her to the wedding. Neither did I invite my parents, siblings, other friends etc.

Why do people think someone else's wedding is about THEM. It's bout the couple getting married. If more people thought about the point of the actual marriage and not just focus on the wedding day/bit party/best day of my life maybe there would be fewer divorces.

Maybe if couples focused more on the actual marriage and what it means rather than focusing all their energy on one day and a great party and making everyone happy then maybe there would be fewer divorces

I think you have been a bit unfair saying how you feel... you sharing how you feel will do nothing more than make your niece/sister feel bad as inviting you would likely make the wedding bigger than they wanted.

You made it about your feelings not your niece

If they invited more of nieces family, that could make her husband then want to invite more of his family and the wedding not exactly what they wanted.

Just wish them well and say you're looking forward to seeing the photos

Or maybe if everyone did what we did, getting married on our lunchbreak with two witnesses, a frankly overblown industry would crumble and people would stop viewing wedding invitations as some kind of Occasion of Offence?

No, I didn't pay him, cos I didn't ask him. If he hadn't have offered, we wouldn't have bothered and just had whatever photos our parents and siblings took on the day. And that would have been absolutely fine.

I think it's mean . Either everyone goes or nobody . If they wanted a quiet wedding why not slip abroad and do it on their own . It's because your family is close is the problem . If you didn't have strong relationships it wouldn't have bothered you .

See, I think that’s ridiculous. It smacks of the Mn mantra about either you have a whole class party, or you only invite all the girls or all the boys, or fewer than one third of the class, otherwise it’s ‘exclusion’ and ‘bullying’. Which is all very well when the invitees and hosts are six.

Here the guest policy for a ‘small, quiet’ wedding is very clear — only the parents, grandparents and siblings of the bride and groom are invited. The OP’s brother isn’t there as a guest, just because he has a useful skill to be leveraged cut-price or free.

There’s really no occasion for the OP to be wailing about being ‘the only member of our family to be left out’. Duh. One sibling is the mother of the bride, so obviously she’s there. The other two siblings were not invited, as the siblings of the father of the bride weren’t. No uncles and aunts of the couple are invited, bar the photographer, who is staff. If the couple invite the OP because she’s making a scene, they then need to invite all uncles and aunts on the groom’s side for fairness, making it a far bigger wedding than they want. It’s really not that difficult.

"Wailing" and "making a scene"? She's done neither. She told her sister she was hurt by her actions. She didn't march into a family gathering and start screaming.

Op is hurt that her sister changed the dynamic, thoughtlessly. An uncle will never be treated as "staff" by any decent niece, even if there as a photographer.

Photographers tend to get a meal as standard - will he be made to leave the wedding breakfast to eat elsewhere alone? Will he leave the reception after his "hours" are up? Will he be prohibited from buying a glass of champagne or similar to enjoy when photographing because he's "on the job"? Will he be refused family photos with his family that someone snaps on their phone (or even his camera)? If it's a small wedding and there are fewer guests to snap, it also means he isn't going to be running around half as much as he would be for a big wedding.

If yes, then, unless it's his choice, that says an awful lot about the couple because he is doing them a favour and being treated rather poorly unless he's being paid market rate. If no, hes basically a guest with a more involved role.

It can absolutely be a case of both the couple is entitled to invite whomever they want, and it is entirely understandable that Op feels hurt. Weddings don't give people carte blanche to do whatever they want and everyone else has to be happy and smiley about it. When planning a wedding, people will have feelings and opinions in response to your choices and they aren't required to hide them completely to protect your feelings, when you didn't think to protect theirs in planning. You just need to own your actions and be ok with the fact some people will be hurt because you want your day in a particular way. It doesn't make anyone unreasonable, they just have different priorities.

They are invited for specific roles though photographer etc. Bit because he's a family member. Bils family aren't invited either. It isn't personal you are being a bit daft although I totally would feel the same

I know I can't go as my BIL has 3 siblings who have not been invited and if I go it will cause him huge problems

Probably the grooms parents have brother and sisters that would need to be invited as well. These things quickly escalate

So I assume he doesn’t get to be at the meal afterwards either?
Just like a professional photographer?

Because of he does…. Then where’s the fairness?
(and I suspect he will because he is family, is doing them a favour etc….)

How bizarre. You're close to her but she wouldn't want you at her wedding? Sounds dysfunctional, why is your sister there then? Who made her the organiser, and didn't ur beice think if one aunt is there, the other should also be

The sister is the mum of the bride.

If it's a church wedding you could go and watch just not go to the reception?

I have seen it several times when it was a member of one of the wedding couples family doing the catering. Or baking the cake.

The brother gets to go because he's doing the photography. So if she does the catering then she can go because she's also providing a service. 🙄

when it was a member of one of the wedding couples family doing the catering. Or baking the cake.

but caterers that are non family members don’t go in, they only happen to go in if family. It’s not like all caterers go in to a wedding service

I think how you feel is reasonable but you shouldn't have told them as now they feel bad, which I'm sure wasn't your intention

Of course he gets a meal all photographers are provided meals aren't they? That's the protocol.

Bils family aren't invited. Id they invite the op then they have to be invited too and it becomes a far larger affair

Yes it’s the b&g choice to have a small wedding

yes now brother is going to take pics

I get why you feel hurt as only one your side not going

is brother actually a photographer

if it was you taking the pics and brother not going how would he feel

I get small wedding. But if inviting siblings so assume niece has brother/sister - gp and obv parents - it is a shame they can’t add 4 more people and literally the siblings so you and bil 3 brothers but no partners /wives /hubbys /kids etx

It is an awkward situation. It was not thought through properly. Would have been better to have had an outside photographer but a bit late now. I think you need to bite the bullet and put up with how it has evolved. There will be others too probably feeling disappointed even though not as close as you. For your Bruce’s sake grin and bear it. Maybe you can invite them to a nice lunch a week or so afterwards if they live near you. Do not make this an angry sad day by causing a dispute. Grin and bear it and not bear grudges afterwards. Sister in laws are always difficult. She found a way to get him in didn’t she?Do
not give her the joy to see you are still upset.

It's natural to be upset, your brother is technically working and saving them some money.

There is nothing you can do. If you can afford to invite them out for a celebration meal afterwards. Wear a wedding guest style outfit.

You shouldn't have mentioned it to her Dad, if he tells her, that is hurtful.

Nobody more thoughjess than some modern day brides abd grooms - all me me me . No aunts and uncles invited unless you can offer a free service - sums it up. As it’s her wedding I’m sure your niece is aware you are not invited as she must have decided who was on the guest list