All my immediate family are going to my niece's wedding except me

[Anonanonandon]

My niece is getting married in July. They want a quiet wedding, no fuss so it is just her, fiancee and their parents, grandparents and siblings. I have no problem with her decision.

My sister and her DH are doing all the organising. I am very close to my niece, as is my brother. I learned yesterday that my brother will be at the wedding as the photographer, this has been arranged by my sister and her DH, not by my niece. I know my niece would be devastated to know I am upset.

I am very hurt, we are a small family, my sister and I are each other 's best friends, or so I thought, but I shall be the only member of 'our' family who will not be at the wedding.

I know I can't go as my BIL has 3 siblings who have not been invited and if I go it will cause him huge problems.

I have told my DS and BIL that I am upset, they have apologised, they just didn't think it through. They too are now upset.

AIBU to be upset or have I got it all out of perspective.

It’s not a popular view, but my view is that weddings are not about what the bride is wants. They are officially public occasions in which a legal contract is signed before witnesses. They are also a rite of passage with social expectations, the breaking of which can cause real hurt if not handled delicately. This means that you have the wedding your circumstances demand. If eloping will devastate your mother, you don’t do it. If having a small wedding means leaving out an aunt but not an uncle, you don’t do it. Unless, of course she doesn’t mind. Not inviting you because your brother in law has siblings is not a good reason. They aren’t your relatives. They aren’t your concern. If they are all very close to your niece, maybe the small wedding isn’t a good idea. It’s one day. She can have a small anniversary or birthday or whatever else.

I didn’t have an expensive wedding and I’m not an extroverted party person, but I had 120 guests because this is what our family arrangements demanded. I grew up in a village where everyone knows everyone and it was necessary. There were probably another 60 people in the church who we didn’t invite to the reception, but who came because it’s a public event that they are entitled to come to. And old ladies love a good wedding. It’s Saturday entertainment.

I think your sister didn’t think it through at all.
She thought it would be lovely (and cheaper) to have her brother as the photographer, never thinking it was in essence excluding you.

As it was supposed to be a small wedding with only very close family, it was a very bad move from your sister. She basically over rode her dd wishes to insert one of her siblings. (Let’s be honest, a professional photographer wouldn’t get a seat at the reception etc… whereas your brother will. Which they both know).

But you’ll be told to keep quiet so to not upset the bride and your brother is just doing a good deed…..
Also because there is no way out. They can’t invite you because that would be crap towards her fiancé family. She can’t tell brother he isn’t the photographer because he is going to be hugely upset etc….

You chose that, and you chose to believe that you had an obligation to put other peoples’ wishes and ‘family arrangements’ before your own. As is your prerogative. I don’t for a moment think that this is a general obligation, though.

I know I can't go as my BIL has 3 siblings who have not been invited and if I go it will cause him huge problems

Exactly this, If you went to the wedding then they would have to invite the BILs siblings too. Otherwise they might all be hurt too. Assuming spouses are being invited that would be any extra 8 people plus potentially kids too.

I'd be sad too but I would understand it. I think you were a little unfair to make your sister feel bad about it. How about doing something special to commemorate the wedding. Maybe a lovely meal out for your side of the family.

Weddings are about what the couple wants, not a family reunion. They are being very sensible, even small weddings cost thousands now.

If they invite you, they have to invite all aunts and uncles, their partners, "oh now my cousin is upset so we have to invite cousins", and cousins partners...

Just as long as that couple don’t start expecting family wedding gifts and family support later on.

Gifts haven't been mentioned so not relevant, and what is "family support"?

Are you seriously saying that you’re trading a wedding invitation for ‘family support’ thereafter? 🙄

I’m saying that if you don’t see a wedding as a family occasion, but something to exclude family from, don’t come round with your begging bowl later. Either you want family in your life or you don’t.

Babysitting, help with buying your first home, that kind of thing. But I think you know that. And I’m not specifically taking about the OP’s situation, just replying to your comments.

Are they expecting gifts and support from you later because this is the time to match their energy towards you. I'd be dialing back how much help I give them from now on.

All very well wanting an exclusive, private wedding but don't expect help from family when it suits you. You either want to include your family in your life or you don't, you can't have it both ways.

No I genuinely did not know what you meant. Rude.

How ridiculous to lose out on a relationship with a child because you disliked their parents wedding. If that's what my nephews decided to do, I'd be happy for them. Some people dread their own weddings and get into a lot of debt because they've prioritised what their family want.

How many caterers do you see stood in a wedding service? 😂

It is thoughtless that they hadn't realised the result would be you being left out and I can see why you'd feel hurt but it's not a personal snub. They've invited him because it saves them a lot of money, presumably one of the reasons they're having a small wedding in the first place. He will be there doing a job and his mind will be on that, not relaxing and socialising as a guest.
The only ways the couple could 'fix' this would be to increase their numbers to include the grooms aunts and uncles or to hire a different photographer, both will increase costs, maybe beyond their budget. Or not to have a photographer. I'm sure you don't wish any of those options on your niece, so although I can understand you feeling left out, realise it isn't personal and wish your niece a happy day.

Not inviting you because your brother in law has siblings is not a good reason. They aren’t your relatives.

but they are the bride’s relatives….. whose wedding it is!

They are officially public occasions in which a legal contract is signed before witnesses.

depends on location, a lot of weddings happen on private property which is not open to the public and only people invited are welcome

This means that you have the wedding your circumstances demand

no, people are allowed to decide on what they want and don’t have to follow social expectations 🤦‍♀️

The wedding is about your niece and her soon to be husband and nobody else. She does not want to upset you but can't invite you as it will upset her other half's family. Weddings always become political. When you have a large family it's even more stressful, you have to invite 20 cousins their partners and children as you can't invite one and not the others, it all gets ridiculous.

I think years ago when people married much younger then parents had more of a say.
It never occurred to me that I could refuse to have extended family at my wedding.
I am so pleased that my parents and in laws organised our day with little input from us, I never felt stressed and financially everyone who could chipped in towards catering, drink, cake etc.
I can’t imagine leaving close family out of a wedding, in fact they’re obviously not close because if they were it wouldn’t happen.

Dsis messed up and now she's embarrassed and upset, but it isn't unreasonable for Op to point out the consequence of their actions.

She didn't "make them feel bad" - she explained the way she felt as a result of their decision, which was entirely foreseeable, and they are now clearly embarrassed, or knew it would be an issue but were hoping she wouldn't point it out to them. It isn't Op's obligation to cover up her genuine hurt to save their feelings after they did something upsetting.

As a PP has pointed out, a family photographer and a professional are very different. The bride's uncle will get to see her get married, be there for the speeches, sit and enjoy the wedding breakfast, probably even get a few family photos together if someone doesn't mind taking them... that isn't just "free labour" at all. He's almost certainly going to be a guest that also happens to be taking the photos.

The issue is prolonged because there will be talk on the run up to the wedding, the event itself, and then family gatherings afterwards where everyone else will be able to talk about and share memories about the wedding and only Op will be left out. It's a recurring hurt, not just a one off.

Sorry, Op, it's rubbish. I do agree that the couple can invite whomever they want and can see you made peace with that, but this does change the dynamic and it doesn't stop it from being hurtful.

YABU. It’s their day. I’m doing similar. Family ruined my sons christening and I’m not having the same when I get married in the autumn!

I hope you paid him. Most brides would feed their photographers it's bad manners.

Maybe they should elope then it would give something for people to really complain about, people will always find ways to complain about weddings I dont know why everyone doesnt just elope

Just something to bear in mind. People isolate themselves a lot these days, half the time without realising they’re doing it. Community matters.

A community that wouldn't be there for you because you had to limit the numbers of people going to your wedding absolutely doesn't matter.

“Had to” so far as weddings are concerned is usually “chose to”. And of course that’s fine. We can all make our choices and live with them.

Just some food for thought.

Is your brother a professional photographer? Is he taking his family? If the answers are yes and no then in your shoes I'd probably be sad I'm missing out on my niece's big day but understand that my brother's only there because they need his skills (and mates rates). So not like you've been deliberately shunned.