My year 7 son is being horrible to me. Hitting, swearing, spitting etc

[PennyWhistleSweet]

I'm absolutely worn down.
Until October last year he was the sweetest boy and always had been. A delightful, slightly young for his age, affectionate child.

It started with him being annoyed by me (welcome to pre adolescence) I thought. This progressed to ignoring me and then shouting at me and now, 5 months later it's become physical.

I don't know what I can do. He only behaves this badly when it's just he, my younger son aged six and me at home. When my husband (their Dad) is home he dials the violence down. In front of friends, family and school he just ignores me and never does any of the worse stuff.

I'm hurt, emotionally and physically. I'm bruised, sad and don't know what to do.

I still manage to provide him with as much motherly care as I can but even providing him with dinner involves setting it at the table asking my husband over the phone to call him and tell him it's ready or I'll get an ear full for talking or looking at him.

Something has too change. He is neuro diverse and has an EHCP but I don't know if I can seek help for him and our family.

Anyone please?

What does DH say or do about any of this?
What are school saying?
How are his relationships with friends or other family members?
This sounds like an extreme and sudden shift. What happened in October?

He is utterly clueless and at his wits end like myself. Our son is not abusive to him at all and he takes him out of his nights off.

I dont want to tell school as he'd never forgive me.

Sadly his Dad was in ITU and them a normal ward for a few months around October .

He sees you as an easy target and a punching bag, the fact he's picking on you and not doing it in front of others shows he knows full well what he's doing is wrong.

Personally I'd smack him but I don't think anyone on here is likely to agree. He needs to learn that he can't go around hitting people.

So school have not reported any issues? His friendships are good?
Last term sound like it was potentially quite upsetting for him? Moving to secondary and his father in intensive care?
Has his dad discussed his awful treatment of you?? Has anyone? What does he say?
He sounds like he needs some help alongside some firm expectations.
I really urge you to contact school and see how he is managing.

Are there any other symptoms? School refusal, OCD? sep anxiety, urinary issues? Any physical illness? Strep?

This seems like quite an extreme and sudden change OP. Is there any chance he is being bullied? Could you arrange for him to see a child psychologist?

He wasn’t neuro diverse until Oct ? he’s playing you as a fiddle as you’re weak , what repercussions are in place for his behaviour towards you ?

Do.any symptoms of PANDAS/PANS fit since October?

Do you monitor what he does on the Internet? It is possible that he may have been introduced to some dodgy sites. Children's behaviour can change rapidly when exposed to pornography or extreme violence online.

Am really struggling with my 7 year old son's behaviour - not quite to your extreme but lots of sympathy for you. The physical side is frightening though.....
Am reading there's still no such thing as naughty by Kate Silverton - it's absolutely brilliant. Please get a copy.
Am also wondering if your son may need some counselling, if his behaviour changed after his dad was seriously ill last year. He's obviously got some control as his behaviour changes depending who is in the house. However it needs addressing.

There's your answer OP. He is terrified of losing his dad he can't express it due to his neuro diversity and is lashing out at you as your the number one parent.

See if you can arrange some sort of ASN therapy to help him process. It's horrible and I really feel for you. My eldest is severely autistic, only 6 but not toilet trained, doesn't speak, just screehes and bangs. He will hit me but not his dad. It's hard. Nothing traumatic has happened to us thankfully but I think for him it's frustration. We are looking into a behavioural therapist once we save up some money.

Thank you all so much for replying, just reading through now. He's had no physical illness.

He's been diagnosed with autism since 4 yes old. Sorry if I worded that bit wrong..

PANDAS is something that his primary SENCO brought up for a separate OCD issue last year.

My plan is to afford a child psychologist but money has been tight with Ds only back at work in November and myself only just going back to full time this year. I've got lots of intervention plans when we're a bit more stable.

I will absolutely get a copy of that book.

Also, to those suggesting harsher and even physical punishments, that seems a dangerous option and for morality reasons I'd never lay a hand on my son's except in defense

I monitor his internet closely as I have an app that links everything to me. He's not big into his phone and only averages a ln hour or two a week. He games for his screen time in the living room right next to the kitchen which is where I dwell!

If there is a possibility of PANDAS then the emotional stress of your husband's illness could have triggered a huge flare

I hear most of what's going on a t school as he has about 7 cousins there and a few of my friends are teachers there too. (If that sounds weird, we are in a very rural area with only two choices of high school for miles).

That's very true @Meltdownoclock . I have to be honest but I slightly dismissed it when I was getting help in primary for a big OCD flare up about 1 year ago.

He’s lashing out cos DF was ill, but that doesn’t make it ok. At all. As you know.

This is the time to tell him that. Hard boundaries in place. No nights out, no doubt about why he’s lost all privileges. Act together as parents.

Be very nice when he’s nice.

I think you need a united front. Consequences for unpleasant behaviour. You need your husband to back you. Stop tiptoeing round him. You tell him dinner will be ready at x time then you leave him to it. If he fails to appear then he misses his dinner etc

He's 7, he doesn't get to decide whether you tell school or not. That would be an inappropriate level of control for him to have. Speak to the school and ask them to do a referral to the family support service. You need help to sort this before it grows into an even bigger problem as he gets older.

“Sadly his Dad was in ITU and them a normal ward for a few months around October”

This stuck out for me.
My son is also ND, his dad had a stroke when he was 8. Afterwards all his behaviour was directed at me because I was the safe one.

It’s common for ND children to have a safe parent to test the boundaries out with, he’s not playing you like a fiddle, he’s not a brat, he doesn’t need a smack (I mean, Jesus, who advocates for violence against a disabled child!), it’s awfully hard work for you but having his dad in hospital for weeks must have been difficult for him to process. An ill parent for a NT child is terrifying, for a ND child is earth shattering and life upending. It may take a while for him to come to terms with it.

In your shoes I would possibly seek some help. I’m reluctant to suggest camhs as they’re awful in my area, but there may be something available that could help him.

Is your husband now well? If yes he could try doing more with ds, both to give you a break, and also to give the clear message that he’s now ok.

@Ocirout he's almost 12, in yr 7

Any vocal or physical tics or food restrictions?

@PennyWhistleSweet smacking is not the answer and he won't understand why you are doing it. Meeting his upset, turmoil and immense upheaval towards his 'constant' with aggression is poor advice. I am pleased you have not entertained it.

All my sons flared when they went to secondary and they are all autistic. Please involve the school. There will be lots they can do and things they can access eg counselling, specific interventions.

My youngest up until 20 threw his weight around as I was the constant. We have only recently stopped the explosive temper and unpleasantness and he is an exhausting, over six foot student. He will get there though. He has had a lot going on. Sending hugs and understanding.