My year 7 son is being horrible to me. Hitting, swearing, spitting etc

[PennyWhistleSweet]

I'm absolutely worn down.
Until October last year he was the sweetest boy and always had been. A delightful, slightly young for his age, affectionate child.

It started with him being annoyed by me (welcome to pre adolescence) I thought. This progressed to ignoring me and then shouting at me and now, 5 months later it's become physical.

I don't know what I can do. He only behaves this badly when it's just he, my younger son aged six and me at home. When my husband (their Dad) is home he dials the violence down. In front of friends, family and school he just ignores me and never does any of the worse stuff.

I'm hurt, emotionally and physically. I'm bruised, sad and don't know what to do.

I still manage to provide him with as much motherly care as I can but even providing him with dinner involves setting it at the table asking my husband over the phone to call him and tell him it's ready or I'll get an ear full for talking or looking at him.

Something has too change. He is neuro diverse and has an EHCP but I don't know if I can seek help for him and our family.

So, the way you're to teach him not to hit, is by hitting him?

It is understandable if the only way the OP can communicate is through her DH. However, what is happening is that OPs approach is just compounding her DSs behaviour.
It doesn’t matter what this child has experienced in that by not having a strong approach to managing the situation it will only get worse. The first thing OP needs to do is to contact the school. As the adult, she needs to be in charge and her DS needs to see that she’s in charge.

In addition to this I’d explain to him that assault is a police matter and will not be tolerated. You’ll call the police next time he hurts you. This will likely freak him out but could be the wake up call he needs.

I would honestly look into boarding schools for behaviorally challenging kids. And then I'd tell him about them, show him the websites / brochures (if they exist any more) and let him know that the next time he lays so much as a finger on you, you'll be packing him off.

He may find it difficult when he’s on his own with you because it triggers feelings of his dad being very unwell. It’s also likely he can’t make that link himself at this stage which can be quite frighten. So you could wonder aloud “I feel quite anxious when dad isn’t around, I wonder if you do too”, type things. Do you and he speak about his dad’s time in hospital, as in how does he understand it and how much space has he had to process his feelings about it? Counselling can help but there’s a lot you can do as a parent to help him along.

This advice from @Jellycatspyjamas is spot on.

If he started year 7 in September then he may have masked through the first month and now secondary school is making him totally disregulated. My autistic 14 year old really struggled in secondary but it didn't come out until a few months in. She was exhausted and in autistic burnout but took it all out on me.

Absolutely disgusting way to treat a child

Just re-read your OP and realised he’s 11/12 (year 7) not 7. In this case threaten him with being packed off to care/boarding school. If he keeps on, actively look into it. He needs to be brought into line before he becomes a menace to society. It’s for his own good too.

You need to speak to school

Apologies I misread, my comment still stands though, get a referral for family support

Why is he getting gaming/screen time and trips out when he’s behaving so badly towards you?

Or, given the likely MN disagreement, you and his father could tell him very firmly indeed that any violence towards you will be met with reciprocation, and this is his final warning? And that you won't now be calling his dad to tell him that dinner is ready - either he eats it or it goes in the bin!

No advice on most of it and there’s much better advice but just to let you know to maybe also look at sleep, screens and diet- all the issues in our house (there is a direct correlation between my sons mood and him not having gluten. When he has too much bread or cereal he’s like an antichrist) If he isn’t gluten intolerant obviously ignore as cutting it with kids can make them sick but just throwing out options. Best of luck op

I agree with others his Dad’s serious illness last year may well have triggered this reaction. I’m NT but apparently I became withdrawn when my Mum was seriously ill for several months during my childhood.

I think he needs counselling, someone neutral to express his feeling to and give him some strategies to manage his feelings. In the meantime, your DH must very strongly tell him that he can’t physically hurt you, it’s unacceptable.

Once again another mumsnet thread where a bunch of posters (who I hope to God are trolls and not mothers) jump on a poster's child because they are male. I bet if the OP had spoken about her daughter in the same way there wouldn't be talk of throwing her out/boarding school or police.

Mumsnet really does hate boys these days and seems to find it incomprehensible that a mother would actually love her son.

Instead boys are assumed to be abusers from birth and should be treated as such - all male children should be immediately removed from family at birth and raised in borstals, from which they will be released at 18 as well rounded and well behaved men.

''He sees you as an easy target and a punching bag, the fact he's picking on you and not doing it in front of others shows he knows full well what he's doing is wrong.''

Exactly this.
He sees you as ''weak'' and not in control- hence behaving for his dad and others.

Take control now.. don't beg and plead with a hopeless voice, {as some parents can be heard doing in public places} use a strong voice {No need to shout}, and short commands. Hitting you {or others} is absolutely NOT on.

{Smacking isn't necessary} but good boundaries are crucial.

Steve Biddulph ''Raising Boys'' might help?

If I were your DH I'd be withdrawing those fun times with Dad until he stops abusing you.

Instead of dad taking him out for fun time (rewarding for ds) to give you a break, DH should keep DS at home and NOT doing fun things, whilst you and DS6 go out and do fun things.

@PennyWhistleSweet can also tell her son in a strong voice that hitting and violence is absolutely NOT on.

No need to get the Dad to do it, if the child can't be managed by his own mother at 7, what hope for 17, when testosterone surges?

Take control.

OP, You can do it!

I would tell school and ask them not to tell him for now. I’d ask what support they can access for him. Either through early help or Barnados or similar. He definitely needs some help to deal with what’s happening. I also think he needs you and your husband to sit down with him and help him it stops now. If he lays a finger on you again, or spits at you etc. there will be serious consequences. There will be no trips out until his behaviour improves dramatically and he will lose all screen time privileges as well. There’s no way I’d be getting his Dad to ring him to tell him tea was ready either. He needs to know you’re a united front and he needs to show you the same level of respect.

He's year 7, so almost 12.

@PennyWhistleSweet you say your husband ''tries'' talking to him about the violence, but takes the son out for fun days out and treats!

ANY bad behaviour, any violence towards you or anyone else, and NO treats that day.

And for goodness sakes, follow through.

All the more reason to start being strict as it's been left so late!

You’re right @oakleaffy , they both need to be very firm about no violence. As you say, it needs to be stopped now, my DS is 16 and towers over me, teenagers can really hurt ppl.

So it started around the time his dad was in hospital on an intensive ward? Agree that this is not a coincidence.

Er, next time he hits you get down to his level, hold his shoulders and say in a forceful voice: ''you do not do that!!!!'

This isn't a complicated situation