My year 7 son is being horrible to me. Hitting, swearing, spitting etc

[PennyWhistleSweet]

I'm absolutely worn down.
Until October last year he was the sweetest boy and always had been. A delightful, slightly young for his age, affectionate child.

It started with him being annoyed by me (welcome to pre adolescence) I thought. This progressed to ignoring me and then shouting at me and now, 5 months later it's become physical.

I don't know what I can do. He only behaves this badly when it's just he, my younger son aged six and me at home. When my husband (their Dad) is home he dials the violence down. In front of friends, family and school he just ignores me and never does any of the worse stuff.

I'm hurt, emotionally and physically. I'm bruised, sad and don't know what to do.

I still manage to provide him with as much motherly care as I can but even providing him with dinner involves setting it at the table asking my husband over the phone to call him and tell him it's ready or I'll get an ear full for talking or looking at him.

Something has too change. He is neuro diverse and has an EHCP but I don't know if I can seek help for him and our family.

Absolutely so.

Definitely no physical punishments.

I remember when my son aged about 12 picked me up in a fireman's lift like I was a pillow- Boys are physically strong, and must not barge, push, definitely not spit at anyone - it's disgusting and completely unacceptable behaviour, and strangely, kids don't like it when they know they can bully their own mothers.

He's 12, not 7 {I made that mistake, too} so a 12 yr old is probably eye level with his mother.

But I agree, commanding voice, and a follow through with treats being stopped for bad behaviour

Is he being radicalised online by Tate types? That would be my guess.

What consequences have there been for his behaviour towards you ?

Im not saying he doesn’t also need therapy as it very much sounds like he does - but that doesn’t make his behaviour ok and he needs to know that.

I would never have put up with this, never allowed it. What punishments have you used?

Maybe you missed the bit where the OP describes being physically and emotionally abused by this 12 year old boy?

...eyeroll...

I relate so much. My son is 5 and is going through the same challenges. He hasn’t officially been diagnosed (on the waiting list) but it’s pretty obvious he’s autistic. It seems like my son does behave ‘badly’ everywhere but when it’s just me and him (I’m a single parent) at home, he’s so much worse. I often have my hair in plaits and he will just grab and yank my hair full force. I will be in the kitchen minding my own business washing up and he will full force push me whilst my back is turned. He will spit at me, his swearing has got so much worse. It’s awful because he’s the sweetest little boy, he’s so kind to everyone and will tell everyone how much he loves them daily - then you have this side to him.

he goes to his dads house every other weekend and he doesn’t act this severe with him- same when he goes to his grandparents house. I’ve heard something that relates to a neurotypical child bit is also relevant here - a child will often act poorly behaved around the parent who they’re most comfortable around. And if you think back to your childhood, at least in mine I definitely acted up to my mum more and didn’t do the same with my dad as I was scared of him and his reaction. So I’m guessing this is one of the issues?

I hope it gets easier for you, I know how draining it is. I end up in tears every day because of it. He lashes out and I have to lock myself into a bedroom and hold the door handle to prevent him getting near me it’s that awful. Knowing you love your child and you’re raising your child well yet they’re harming you and they’re doing things you never raised them to do. You’re doing everything right. I have no advice other than if you have the opportunities to, see what services and support is available in your area.

Really sorry to hear you're going through this @PennyWhistleSweet

My almost 10yo boy is much the same at the moment, threatens to hit me, says when he's bigger than me he'll be able to hurt me, and so on. Wouldn't dare try it on with DP but much like your DH, my DP tries to keep him in a good mood by essentially giving him what he wants (loads of screen time, mainly). Therefore when I have to come in being 'bad cop' - screen time's finished for today, please put your shoes away, go for a shower etc - I get ignored/ shouted at/ plenty of rudeness because 'the fun parent' wouldn't make him do any of those things.

If I think back, I reckon it started when he was unhappy at school - he loved his teacher but hadn't made any proper friends in his class - most of the boys were/ are really into football and he isn't at all, he ended up being lonely at break times. However he now has a good friend who shares the same interests and it's flipped round, he says he likes school more than home as everyone is mean to him at home

I'm seriously considering getting him some counselling, in case there's something he's not telling us and/ or there's something we could change to improve things - but all he says he wants is more screen time, which I'm not prepared to allow as he already has plenty!

In agreement with many PP, I would reiterate to your DH that your DS doesn't deserve treats etc whilst he's behaving in this way. Can you tell it's a discussion I've had with my DP many times?! For me I just don't think anything will change whilst DP tries to bribe his way out of the situation

How's school? It's not uncommon for nd kids to survive primary and fall apart as soon as they hit secondary.

Is he just doing this to you?

Then it could be a truama response. It was probably a scary experience for him, fear and anxiety can come out as anger and since his dad was sick that gets taken out on you. If you can afford if I'd find a psychologist with experience with ND kids and try get to the bottom of this. A play therapist might be helpful, don't know if he's a bit too old for that. Maybe something physical to let the angry/scared excess energy out in a positive way. My ND kids like trampolining classes. I used to like taking my anxiety and excess energy up a punching bag as a teen. I've thought of getting one for my middle DS, but I'm not sure if it will help get his emotions out or just intensify the physical reactions. Is he sleeping OK? That always wrecks my middle DS emotional regulation if he's not getting enough sleep. If you can't afford help I'd tell your GP what's going on and see if he'll refer him for counselling. Might be a bit of a wait unfortunately.

Exactly!

Why on earth are you tolerating ringing your husband to tell your child his dinner is ready?!
If my child gave me an earful for speaking to him to inform him his dinners ready, I'd swiftly remove the dinner and he'd get an earful back and his phone locked!!
What consequences are imposing?

No, I would teach him that if he hits someone then they can/will hit him back.

Right now he is bullying his mother and getting away with it. That behaviour is highly likely to move onto his next target, at school.

So you'd teach him that violence is wrong by using violence against him?

Secondary school is often when it falls apart for neurodiverse children. My DD's attacks and meltdowns got much worse once she started secondary.

School will not care how he is at home as long as he grits his teeth and muddles through at school. I only got help when my DD started missing school. You'll probably have to jump through some parenting courses for idiots before they give you any practical help though.

Art therapist?

I think he could be bullied at school and is taking it out on you .

OP: see if you can access some support through school for therapy re his dad being ill last year as there could well be link.

However, you also need to acquire some skills yourself in terms of assertiveness (eg use of voice tone/body language). He needs to start listening to you, and understanding that 'no means no'. Also, his dad needs to play equal role in applying disciplind and to stop with the taking him out for nice treats and being phoned to ask him to eat his dinner. No treats including screens/gaming for as long as this behaviour continues, and parents need to present a common front in showing that this behaviour us totally unacceptable. When treats start again, you should take him for some of them so he doesn't associate dad with nice things and mum with discipline. In the meantime, you should take younger sibling out for treats, praise younger sibling's good behaviour in front of older sibling, and talk a out how you will all be able to.do nu e things together once older one's behaviour improves.

Younger sibling must be quite upset to see what's going on so please make sure they are getting plenty of attention.