My year 7 son is being horrible to me. Hitting, swearing, spitting etc

[PennyWhistleSweet]

I'm absolutely worn down.
Until October last year he was the sweetest boy and always had been. A delightful, slightly young for his age, affectionate child.

It started with him being annoyed by me (welcome to pre adolescence) I thought. This progressed to ignoring me and then shouting at me and now, 5 months later it's become physical.

I don't know what I can do. He only behaves this badly when it's just he, my younger son aged six and me at home. When my husband (their Dad) is home he dials the violence down. In front of friends, family and school he just ignores me and never does any of the worse stuff.

I'm hurt, emotionally and physically. I'm bruised, sad and don't know what to do.

I still manage to provide him with as much motherly care as I can but even providing him with dinner involves setting it at the table asking my husband over the phone to call him and tell him it's ready or I'll get an ear full for talking or looking at him.

Something has too change. He is neuro diverse and has an EHCP but I don't know if I can seek help for him and our family.

but even providing him with dinner involves setting it at the table asking my husband over the phone to call him and tell him it's ready or I'll get an ear full for talking or looking at him.

Sorry op. That is ridiculous. You and DH need to talk to him together and lay down some boundaries and consequences.

His dad being so ill will have been traumatic for him, in the true sense of the word. Have a look at parenting strategies for traumatised kids, they generally involve you vocalising what you think he might be feeling - after the incident has passed and he’s in a calmer state of mind.

He may find it difficult when he’s on his own with you because it triggers feelings of his dad being very unwell. It’s also likely he can’t make that link himself at this stage which can be quite frighten. So you could wonder aloud “I feel quite anxious when dad isn’t around, I wonder if you do too”, type things. Do you and he speak about his dad’s time in hospital, as in how does he understand it and how much space has he had to process his feelings about it? Counselling can help but there’s a lot you can do as a parent to help him along.

Can you help him find physical ways to discharge the energy that comes with his feelings? Things like jumping, movement, and old fashioned swing park if he’s still interested, swimming or being in water. Basically anything sensory built into his day so his stress cup doesn’t get too full and spill over. You could also look at music (playing, singing, dancing), cooking, building or modelling type activities that help as a form of active mindfulness.

All of that can help with autism too so you won’t be doing harm in the meantime.

We are a united front and my husband is wonderful at connecting with playing Scrabble, going bowling, going to the pub 😁 to play pool and darts together. He does not stand for any ill treatment of me and tries talking to him about it daily.

With the greatest of respect, you can’t be weak on this. He will end up in a lot of trouble if he thinks it’s ok to hurt women just because there aren’t any larger men around. Tell him straight and restrain him if he tries it on. He may well be hurting but as it stands he is getting away with disrespecting you and worse and you need to eh the adult and correct the behavior.

He's a very outside boy and now it's lighter in the evening he's glues to his skateboard till it's.dark!! I'm hoping the lighter evening will help.

And @cansu's advice is good.
I try with ds3 to be less command and more suggestion. But not pussyfoot. Eg 'dinner will be ready in ten' and then a text to say ' it's ready' if he choses to ignore me then he has to deal with the consequences.
I just don't meet aggression and anger with the same.
You do need a united front. Or it will get worse and drive a wedge between your family.

How would hitting him teach him not to hit people? In what way do you think that would improve his behaviour? Do you genuinely think he’d just be so scared he’d start to behave differently? Do you have any experience of Neurodiverse Children or children who’ve experienced trauma?

Thank you for all your kind advice. I'm going to stop looking now but any help will be so appreciated.

Oh, this sounds like a trauma issue and it won't just go away.
I suggest engaging with the school & getting him some counselling.

It sounds like you've a tough few months
Wishing your family well

If he wasn’t diagnosed as Neurodoverse until Oct I can guarantee he wouldn’t have an EHCP yet! I think you need to re-read the post 😂

OP, you worded it perfectly. You said up until October he was the sweetest boy. You later stated he was neurodivergent. Most people understand that neurodivergence is lifelong.

This poster, in their ignorance, read that he was the sweetest boy up until October and assumed that meant he wasn't neurodivergent before October. This poster cannot comprehend that being sweet might be compatible with being neurodivergent. Let's keep calling out ignorance so that the ignorant can have an opportunity to better themselves.

OP, sorry you've had such a tough time. I'm glad you've had some good advice. Your sweet boy is still there and I'd agree with the poster who suggested an issue with processing your husband's health issue and lashing out in distress. I'd seek urgent help so he can develop appropriate coping techniques.

That is nonsense, @PennyWhistleSweet
Absolute, gobsmacking nonsense.

He "tries" talking to him about it?

This man is giving the abuser of his wife lovely outings and spending fun times together while you are left bruised and wiping spit off yourself?

Taking him to the pub to play darts is telling him he gets the privileges of a grown man.

Fuck that.

What all of it looks like to this boy is his dad rewarding him for abusing you.
Your husband is a spineless fool.

As much as getting physical with a disabled child is tempting to some it really doesn’t help ND children, and neither does going nuclear.

It’s a far more complex situation due to the neurodivergence.

This is clearly a response to deep trauma that needs a careful approach.

Dh needs to talk to him. He's obviously troubled by his Dad being ill. Kids think all sorts of weird things. Maybe he blames you for example. ,maybe hes frightened of becoming the man of the house if DH died. My daughter was convinced I was going to die in childbirth when pregnant with her sister as all the mums die in Disney films!

You're right, it doesn't teach him not to hit people.

It does teach him to think twice about hitting his mother, so one problem gets solved.

The OP doesn't have to take the high road here.

The murder of women by their own sons is an increasing aspect of femicide statistics. I hope the OP won't be a statistic.

He does not stand for any ill treatment of me and tries talking to him about it daily

Well that's good of him. But the time for 'talking to him' and nicely telling him that sweetie it's not kind to slap mummy in the face, has long since gone. The kid is 11 or 12, not 5. You're injured ffs. How can you both be so passive?

My dh has never raised a hand to any of our three sons. But past younger childhood, I'm pretty certain he wouldn't just be talking to them daily, if any of them raised a hand to me. He'd go nuclear, read them the absolute fucking riot act immediately and warn them that if it ever happened again they'd be getting twice as much back from him.

Things only become habit when they're allowed to. Being kind and calm isn't always the best approach. And I honestly think that a 12 year old boy that starts beating his mother up NEEDS the shit scaring out of him rather than daily kind chats.

I would make sure he knew where his meals were coming from.
Hey your food is ready..comes it down with us
I'd record this, if he's trying to cause shit, protect yourself

I think you need to get him some 1:1 counselling. Also talk to pastoral care at school and his form tutor. There has been a lot of change this academic year, his dad in hospital and starting secondary school. Moving from primary school to secondary school can be particularly overwhelming and triggering for someone with OCD and neurodiverse traits. Year 7 is where school placements often fall apart and it’s possible you’re picking up the fallout from school struggles. He clearly feels rubbish at the moment. Smacking him would escalate the situation negatively and is not the solution. You can still have firm fair caring boundaries without role modelling violent behaviour.

This is the most disgusting comment I've ever read on here. Reported

@ThejoyofNC "Personally I'd smack him...He needs to learn that he can't go around hitting people." 😑

I'm quite concerned by the number of posters advocating for physical violence against a child. I hope to goodness that none of you have children, as they are probably living in fear.

I mean, the obvious thing to do is keep talking to him. I imagine that his dad being so ill would have caused a lot of emotions at an age where a lot of changes sre happening.

Skateboarding is a brilliant hobby. I would think about buying him a punchbag to release some of those emotions. And just encouraging as much sport as possible. But definitely keep loving and talking to him. Definitely dont smack him, that’s only going to exacerbate things.

I’d start at the basics.

massively limit screens. No you tube. No gaming. No internet. No phone. He can sit with you and watch age appropriate tv.

Good diet. Balanced. Limited/no sugar. Lots of food - year 7s get hungry. Hydrate with water. No energy drinks or sugary pop.

be active. Sport or at least moving every day. Getting outside as much as possible.

sleep. Early nights. Good sleep environment. Reading before bed. No screens in his room overnight.

I think zero tolerance for any of that negative behaviour. He’s still a child, you’re still a parent and there needs to be a consequence.

His behaviour is directly linked to his dad's ill health. You really do need help here, talk to school or your GP and get the wheels moving on a CAMHS referral or get private therapy for him if funds allow

He needs help in expressing his worries and anger. Currently he's expressing them with bad behaviour directed at you, because you're robust enough to take it. He can't abuse his dad because he's scared he might kill him. Dad was in ITU, dad is mortal. Mum kept the wheels spinning, mum is strong. Mum can take all my bad feelings.

You and your DH can try talking to him yourselves when he's calm - talk about how it's ok to be scared/upset/angry. Wonder about how he felt when dad was in hospital and what he thinks about his dad's health now, or mortality generally. Tell him you were scared too. But it really sounds like outside help is needed here.

When he's violent towards you, restrain him as gently as you can - can you hug him so his arms are by his sides? Or remove yourself. Say things like "Its OK to be upset/angry but I will not let you hurt me/spilt at me" in a strong calm voice

Please don't listen to anyone advising going nuclear at him or physically punishing him, or imposing consequences that don't have anything to do with what's going on.

This is one of those cases where he is communicating something with his behaviour, rather than being bad or naughty. He needs help and support