Family holiday - been given a list of things we can/cannot do due to nephew’s ADHD/autism

[APATEKPHILLIPEWATCH]

Going away on a holiday abroad at Easter with my 3 siblings, their families and our parents.

We’ve been on holiday with them before and not going is out of the question as our parents are elderly and our kids are all getting older too so we want to take the opportunity to all enjoy the time when we can.

Separate accommodation. My nephew is 11 and has recently, after getting nowhere diagnosis-wise with the NHS and 2 private clinics, been diagnosed by a 3rd private clinic with autism and ADHD. This is after a long history of behavioural issues and other symptoms.

My sister in the holiday group chat has given a list of “rules” for us all, including our kids, about what we can and can’t do around nephew now that he has a diagnosis. She’s asked we all respect it so that it can avoid a meltdown. They include- no competitive games (my own kids are a similar age to him as are my other nieces and nephew). The kids like to do things like throw those little sinking toys into the pool and be the first to dive for it. No talking about certain topics such as school (he’s a school refuser) to him and have asked to share our own kid’s school stories about school away from his ears as it upsets him when he hears how other kids are getting on And no talking to him when he has “quiet time” - so for example he will ask for an hour by the pool to be left alone and we all have to respect it and brief the kids as well. This might be a struggle for the cousins as some are younger and will want him to play and won’t understand to leave him alone. When we go out for meals together we can’t eat outside as nephew prefers to eat inside.

I don’t really know how to feel about this. I myself have a disabled DS but with a physical disability and we’ve always tried to ensure his symptoms and needs don’t impact on others - we just ask people to be forgiving if we have to cancel things, but there’s certain things my DS sometimes can’t do or join in with and I’d never stop the other kids from enjoying what DS can’t enjoy.

Not an AIBU as such but how would you respond? I want my sister and her family to have a good time but I’ll be damned if I’m told I can’t eat Al fresco with my mum and dad (who love Al fresco eating too) whose last holiday it will probably be!

In my opinion as her sister - I do think they went shopping for a diagnosis. But I don’t judge them for it. They needed answers and didn’t stop until they got answers beyond “he’s just depressed”. My son’s disability has resulted in “silent” symptoms and I certainly got second opinions when a doctor told me I was wrong.

This! Enjoy your holiday.

Your poor parents.

It certainly is, and his mother is best placed to know which of the many available tools will work best for him. What I'm saying is that simply trying to change the world to work around his situation doesn't help anyone.

When have I picked apart my nephew’s?! I’ve said that I don’t expect other’s behaviour to be adapted to one person.

Let’s face it - that’s why you want to know my son’s disability - so you can google it and compare and tell me I have it easier?

Can you answer my question about bragging please? Can my ND nephew brag about having a week in school? And my physically disabled son can’t brag about something sporty that he achieved?

You’re kidding.

Meltdowns can be horrific and can impact all
around. Pretty sure the elderly grandparents who love and care for their grandchild will be impacted even if the op doesn’t give a shit.

Does he need to do it all week?

You may not want to share this information so obviously don’t feel obliged to, but when they were told he is depressed, did they try and treat the depression before moving on for another opinion?

My point being, if they did try and treat it and it was unsuccessful then I would understand why. If they simply dismissed that assessment out of hand and carried on until they got the assessment they were looking for, that’s totally different

Thankfully that’s not the general view as regards reasonable adjustments which he will be entitled to in work, education and health.

Then hsi parents need to work extra hard on ensuring he's prepared and willing to cope.
If not they shouldn't go so not to set him up to fail.

Your language regarding my disabled son is very odd considering you’re admonishing me for my language regarding my nephew. How would you feel if I said “My nephew telling me how as a school reviser, he managed a whole week in school, what a yawn fest!”?

Why on earth do you think he “bangs on all holiday”? We’ve been told to tell the kids NEVER to mention school.

Yeah listen no to kids is a “yawn fest” but most non-arseholes smile nod and make encouraging noises.

No. As with all parents. Sometimes they are very very wrong.
Often their love clouds judgement and sense.

But surely all sizes have to learn to cope and adapt with the rest of the world?

Which they all do all day every day, doesn’t negate the entitlement and need for reasonable adjustments .

Yes I consider my own feelings and that of my kids in things. Why shouldn’t I?

Can you answer a question properly without making shitty comments?

And this is where the argument lies. What counts as ‘reasonable’?

Thats where people differ in their opinions. Who gets to decide what is ‘reasonable’?

Bollocks to no eating outside. I'm neuro divergent and my mum not giving in to stuff like this to appease me made me resilient.

But you aren’t being reasonable and aren’t open to any adjustments. If you want your child to be able to tell everybody about his achievements why don’t you suggest he sees his grandparents and does it before the holiday or realistically accept one conversation would suffice, not open season for the entire holiday.You could accommodate this but just don’t want to. It is boring for other people to hear about the achievements of other people’s kids ad nauseum. That is a fact.

It doesn’t ruin my day or my children’s. Everyone has seen it for many years and take it in their stride. The other kids just get on with their day.

So my kid’s needs and preferences and wants don’t matter? Is that correct? ND always trumps everyone else no matter what?

School discussion not that likely to come up but your sister cannot except anyone to Police such conversations.
No competitive games. They could avoid that when nephew is there but can do anything when he's not there.
Quite time by pool. Will he have headphones so everyone else can carry on playing, swimming etc? If not I'd say he should somewhere quiet like their room.
No eating outside. I'd say you will have some meals outside and they can inside as a family. You can agree to do some meals altogether and some in smaller groups.
She's being unreasonable to put so many stipulations.

Yes exactly it’s very odd people think that the days of 16 people (sometimes more) are ruined because of a meltdown. We are a big loud family, we wouldn’t last 2 minutes if we worried what other people thought of us.

Or just teach him to have some empathy and try to avoid doing it in front of his cousin. It's not difficult.

I suspect he'd have far less of a problem with it than the OP.

That’s a list of things her part of the family can’t do, not what your part of it can’t. By all means accommodate as you see fit but don’t bow down to it.

It’s a shame you won’t answer questions like if my nephew can bag about him attending school for a week (I’m all for him bragging and I praise him BTW).

You also seem to be oddly bitter that my son has a physical disability. And are denying this causes him problems. Why?

If you have a child on the ASD spectrum, it's an opportunity to teach that child how to cope in the world, and give them tools to manage their feelings as they grow and move into a world that isn't as accomodating as their loving parents may like. It's not about being fair. The world isn't fair. Having extra time at the end of exams isn't what I'm talking about. I'm talking about changing a child from a demanding, fear aggresive, tantrum throwing nightmare to one who has belief in themselves and understands what they are feeling and why.
Accomodations are excellent but very short term.. Give a man a fish and you give him a meal. Teach him to fish and he has food for life - so teach him to fish.

Why do you think I don’t give a shit?

It really doesn’t ruin anyone’s day. Everyone takes it in their stride.

You seem to have real tunnel vision regarding this - maybe meltdowns ruin your day in your world but others who aren’t involved tend to not give 2 shits if a meltdown happens. What do you expect others to do? Cry? Get involved? Loudly exclaim how awful it all is?