Family holiday - been given a list of things we can/cannot do due to nephew’s ADHD/autism

[APATEKPHILLIPEWATCH]

Going away on a holiday abroad at Easter with my 3 siblings, their families and our parents.

We’ve been on holiday with them before and not going is out of the question as our parents are elderly and our kids are all getting older too so we want to take the opportunity to all enjoy the time when we can.

Separate accommodation. My nephew is 11 and has recently, after getting nowhere diagnosis-wise with the NHS and 2 private clinics, been diagnosed by a 3rd private clinic with autism and ADHD. This is after a long history of behavioural issues and other symptoms.

My sister in the holiday group chat has given a list of “rules” for us all, including our kids, about what we can and can’t do around nephew now that he has a diagnosis. She’s asked we all respect it so that it can avoid a meltdown. They include- no competitive games (my own kids are a similar age to him as are my other nieces and nephew). The kids like to do things like throw those little sinking toys into the pool and be the first to dive for it. No talking about certain topics such as school (he’s a school refuser) to him and have asked to share our own kid’s school stories about school away from his ears as it upsets him when he hears how other kids are getting on And no talking to him when he has “quiet time” - so for example he will ask for an hour by the pool to be left alone and we all have to respect it and brief the kids as well. This might be a struggle for the cousins as some are younger and will want him to play and won’t understand to leave him alone. When we go out for meals together we can’t eat outside as nephew prefers to eat inside.

I don’t really know how to feel about this. I myself have a disabled DS but with a physical disability and we’ve always tried to ensure his symptoms and needs don’t impact on others - we just ask people to be forgiving if we have to cancel things, but there’s certain things my DS sometimes can’t do or join in with and I’d never stop the other kids from enjoying what DS can’t enjoy.

Not an AIBU as such but how would you respond? I want my sister and her family to have a good time but I’ll be damned if I’m told I can’t eat Al fresco with my mum and dad (who love Al fresco eating too) whose last holiday it will probably be!

This sounds like a very tricky situation and for me the holiday would be ruined before we’d even got there!
I think just tell your Dsis that you’ll all do your best, and then go from there.
If your kids are old enough, tell them what Dsis has requested, and let them respond as they will. They won’t get it all right, but it sounds like the cousins all love each other, so they’ll do what they can for their age.
Make sure you carve some time out for just the four of you - micro family downtime, as it were.

And next year, don’t do this again. Stick to single days out as an extended family, and perhaps take your parents away only!

Good luck!! xx

Autism is a protected disability.

ADHD and autism are both disabilities. The fact your trying to argue otherwise says a lot

And the sister doesn't get to tell OP to control what her children do or say.

In school and work. Not personal lives.

I think that is totally fine on the school thing. I also feel like the kids aren’t going to spend loads of time talking about school specifically as it will be the holidays.

Your sister is being unreasonable but where is it coming from? Does she feel a bit judged by the family? You do sound like you don’t agree with the way she is handling his ND compared to how you handle your son’s disability. Does she sense this do you think?

You absolutely don’t know they went shopping!!! What an outrageous thing to say.

Mamy many people with adhd aren’t on medication. It doesn’t suit everybody. In my family there are 4 of us with nhs diagnosis for autism and adhd. Only 2 are no medication. The nhs in our are offers other treatments and support for it.

She isn’t she is asking for reasonable adjustment which are protected in school and work. Ops children are going to find life very difficult if they are trained to ignore disability and reasonable adjustments. If they all want a miserable holiday with melt downs aplenty then she is going the right way about it.

This!

That's not a holiday. It's an exercise in tip toeing around one child for the whole time away. Don't go, I wouldn't.

You absolutely don’t know for certain that they didn’t go shopping for a diagnosis either

I don’t share my son’s medical details with people who bark questions at me, just so they can pick at it and compare it to an entirely different condition with different needs. But I can assure you his disability needs managed, it is medicated and it is distressing for him, and he is no less important than other people with conditions or disabilities

So picking apart your nephew’s is ok!🤣 Nice!

Well my kids DO want to talk about school sometimes and if you see this as “bragging” I strongly suspect you’re projecting. I don’t tell my kids to STFU about their achievements, not my parenting style to encourage self deprication

Can I ask: if my nephew brags about going into school for a week, is that acceptable bragging (which he does sometimes which I will praise him for when it happens). Or is bragging only acceptable from NT kids?

Ok but that would be a big yawn fest for most other adults.l and children. I take it he doesn’t need to bang about his achievements all holiday.

She needs some training in how to manage her son's situation. You cannot always control the rest of the world and she needs coping strategies to get around that.
Quiet time or a bolt hole are essential, but not at the communal pool! If she talks to her son and tells him that it's ok to say he doesn't want to play competative games .. possibly with a social story, she can probably get around that one, and if he knows there may be school discussions but she tells him beforehand she can probably head that one off too. The worst thing for an autistic child is surprise. Tell him its coming and give him a behaviour to display and he'll probably surprise her.
Autism isn't a disease to be spoken about in hushed whispers and pandered to. It a learning difference that can absolutley be managed, and her job is to make him able to fit into society by explaining what he doesn't "get" to him and giving him tools to adapt.

It’s a spectrum without a one size fits all.

You don’t get to tell her how to handle her child’s disability based on how you handle your child’s completely different disability.

Then surely in turn she doesn’t get to impose how she handles her son’s condition on me, or anyone else?

You are an adult who can accommodate that. Reasonable adjustments for ND are protected in law, what a shame the child’s own aunt is so dismissive

You always apply professional laws to how you behave privately? I don’t.

So let me get this straight - I can’t dictate to anyone anything but my sister can to me and I have to #bekind and do as I’m told no matter what? At the expense of my own children? Why don’t my children’s feelings needs and preferences matter?

It’s all me, me,me isn’t it. 🙄

Don't be so daft.
None of these are reasonable
And no work or education setting would ever permit this.

If he needs down time, it would be a private place. Time managed. And no tolerance for aggression to other learners or staff.

Zero wiggle room for dictating others speech. At all. Ever.

And he's free to eat inside all day every day. And everyone else can eat outside.

OPs children can grow learing theor boundaries and understanding others can't dictate to them.

Sisters son is going to have a very hard lesson of she makes him believe he's entitled to any of the above.

Tbf, her Dsis is advocating for her DS.
OP is simply advocating for her DCs too.
It’s a holiday. Everyone needs to be accommodated.

I think it’s coming a bit from having lack of proper support as a parent because they never had the diagnosis until recently, plus cult-like Facebook groups that tell her the world has to adapt around ND not the other way around and a whole heap of stubbornness - which she’s always had!

You are incredibly cruel. Are you even reading about the battles that OP has had?

I suspect this is an emotive topic for you, and I can completely understand why. But that unfortunately means that you are incapable of viewing the OP’s situation objectively and as a consequence you are lashing out at her

Did you not read the part where my son is disabled? Pretty hard for him to ignore it? Or do you think only ND children are the disabled ones?

TBH if there is a meltdown on holiday which there has been in the past, I’ve always taken the “sit back and don’t get involved” stance and say the same to the kids. It doesn’t help to be flapping around and freaking out.

So...in that case, ignore all of her requests. Sure, he'll probably have a meltdown and ruin everyone's day, but at least you're right...right?

I mean Op and her kids can just carry on. Why would this ruin her day?