Family holiday - been given a list of things we can/cannot do due to nephew’s ADHD/autism

[APATEKPHILLIPEWATCH]

Going away on a holiday abroad at Easter with my 3 siblings, their families and our parents.

We’ve been on holiday with them before and not going is out of the question as our parents are elderly and our kids are all getting older too so we want to take the opportunity to all enjoy the time when we can.

Separate accommodation. My nephew is 11 and has recently, after getting nowhere diagnosis-wise with the NHS and 2 private clinics, been diagnosed by a 3rd private clinic with autism and ADHD. This is after a long history of behavioural issues and other symptoms.

My sister in the holiday group chat has given a list of “rules” for us all, including our kids, about what we can and can’t do around nephew now that he has a diagnosis. She’s asked we all respect it so that it can avoid a meltdown. They include- no competitive games (my own kids are a similar age to him as are my other nieces and nephew). The kids like to do things like throw those little sinking toys into the pool and be the first to dive for it. No talking about certain topics such as school (he’s a school refuser) to him and have asked to share our own kid’s school stories about school away from his ears as it upsets him when he hears how other kids are getting on And no talking to him when he has “quiet time” - so for example he will ask for an hour by the pool to be left alone and we all have to respect it and brief the kids as well. This might be a struggle for the cousins as some are younger and will want him to play and won’t understand to leave him alone. When we go out for meals together we can’t eat outside as nephew prefers to eat inside.

I don’t really know how to feel about this. I myself have a disabled DS but with a physical disability and we’ve always tried to ensure his symptoms and needs don’t impact on others - we just ask people to be forgiving if we have to cancel things, but there’s certain things my DS sometimes can’t do or join in with and I’d never stop the other kids from enjoying what DS can’t enjoy.

Not an AIBU as such but how would you respond? I want my sister and her family to have a good time but I’ll be damned if I’m told I can’t eat Al fresco with my mum and dad (who love Al fresco eating too) whose last holiday it will probably be!

This. Not being competitive or talking about school seems reasonable but I wouldn't be going on holiday if I couldn't eat outside or using the pool when I want.

Such ableism in this thread.

OP didn't say time out HAD to be by the pool with no-one allowed to use the pool. She gave an EXAMPLE.

"Reasonable" being the operative word.

This.

I also wouldn’t be polite and say you’ll try or that you’ll pass on her instructions to the children etc because she could read that as a green light to chastise them if they don’t follow her demands.

She needs to make changes to the way they holiday, to meet her son’s needs. Not the whole group - which by the way is not going to do him any favours anyway.

Been there, done this, many a holiday ruined for me but thankfully not for the rest of the people we were with. Hence I came out of it with strong relationships with my friends and family once child was grown up.

This. But maybe without the first bit.

Feels like an easy solution for the eating would be that each sibling & their kids have one night out alone with grandparents, everyone has a couple of nights out together and you have one night where you alone. That gives everyone 3/4 nights eating outside as you prefer and avoids your sister and family being unable to join in other nights plus your parents get some time with each of their kids 1:1 (ish). For the games maybe you can encourage the others to play their competitive games while nephew has his downtime each day and switch to something more cooperative when he’s around. You can mention to the kids nephew prefers not to talk about school and suggest other things to chat about (would they be talking about school anyway?)

I’m mum who has a child with adhd and autism. She’s probably anxious about what going away will be like but she’s misguided and not preparing her son for the real world. I’d be sympathetic but as others have said you can’t do everything. The only thing I would adhere to is the alone time, the rest you can’t really police!

Also you can get plenty of non competitive board games. Maybe encourage your sister to buy some for the holiday so he can play with others.
Our favourites are:
Outfoxed
Mole rats in space
Bandido
Peacable kingdom are good

I have a number of friends like this.

Nhs - no diagnosis.
Private clinic 1: no diagnosis
Private clinic 2: no diagnosis
3rd private clinic: diagnosis (at hefty price).

Why is the third clinic more correct than the first three? Clearly there's subjectivity.

Presumably the family will be together a lot of the time. You can't just ban ALL normal fun games because it bothers one DC.

I'd suggest agreeing a schedule a bit and having some clear times when those games are allowed and your sibling can choose to take her DC off to do something else at those times.

Have a few rules - no questions to DC re school from adults for example. But you can't expect other DC to never mention school amongst themselves.

Quiet time in his room, competitive games he doesn’t have to take part, other people’s speech shouldn’t be compelled, your children should be free to talk about their school if they so choose. I would just say this isn’t reasonable sorry you’re not able to comply as it’s not fair on your children and refuse to engage further. Her requests for quiet time and him not engaging in competitive sport are reasonable but her desire to impose them on the rest of you are not

Several doctors told my auntie she didn’t have cancer. Then a doctor told her she had terminal cancer. She died. She definitely had cancer despite the clear diagnosis from the other doctors that she did not.

Unfortunately, health isn’t always black and white. Mental health conditions more so.

Oh god definitely what I was like! I was terrified of my son (whose autism is more… obvious) having meltdowns to begin with. And he had them loads. I stopped going out with him for ages. It did not help. He had to be able to be out and about otherwise how would he learn that whatever was going wrong it wasn’t the end of the world? How would I learn that?

Over time, as you know yourself, you find ways to manage things, prevent things and realise that tomorrow’s a new day. @APATEKPHILLIPEWATCH your sister will hopefully get that in time and can relax a bit once she sees that her family loves and cares about her and child no matter what. I’m currently planning for a family wedding we’re going to later in the year with military precision to try and make it as manageable for my son as possible in a way that doesn’t affect anyone else but my husband and I. Luckily the bride and groom have told us that as we’re family and they want us there and love us, anyone being dickheads about my son can piss right off. That meant a lot.

I don’t think you really are a “friend” of any of those people, so you shouldn’t be describing them as such.

Really? It's not OK for him to sit quietly in a deckchair by the pool and be left alone? Why not?

As the parent of an ASD young person, who had Emotionally Based School Avoidance (school refuser is an awful term), I didn’t want to talk about School - it was distressing .. and I was distressed enough. It’s not too hard to not talk about school.

Her asks are not that bad .. all reasonable. My family would have 100% done this for me, they knew his hard it was and were totally supportive - and still are.

Quite arsey of you to insinuate you know her friends better than SHE does

I feel like some threads are just started to encourage people to slag off SEN parents/kids.

Interesting that you've noted his route to diagnosis.

I don't know why you'd start a thread encouraging people to call out your own sister/nephew.

Yes we know we cannot possibly pander to ND children and we know their parents are just using the diagnosis as an excuse for all of their behaviour. Is that the gist?

Competitive games fair enough, easy to play pool games without a competitive element

Quiet time - dc needs to go inside to his room if he doesn't want to be disturbed.

I'd compromise on eating out by perhaps half meals inside and other half outside

You're adults - nobody can tell you what you can and can't do on holiday. Obviously you'll all want to do what you can to make sure everyone has a good time, but...

If people want to eat outside, they eat outside. The child who can't/won't can eat inside with their parents and anyone who feels like joining them.

If the kids want to play competitive games and one child can't handle that without a meltdown, their parents can take them elsewhere so everyone else can enjoy themselves on their holiday.

Quiet time can be done away from everyone else...where it's quiet. You can't expect young kids to remember that they're supposed to leave another child alone because it's 'quiet time'. Same goes for topics of conversation. Ridiculous.

Sorry if this sounds harsh, but I'd be asking anybody who sent me a list of 'rules' for a holiday to consider going on there own holiday if they want them followed.

Also people can still use the pool AND leave him alone. It's quite easy. I always tell my DC leave someone be if they don't wish to play right now.

I get that but shouldn't OP's nephew learn that sometimes in life he has to do things out of his comfort zone, and he can't always have his every whim catered to just because he's diagnosed autistic? And that doesnt mean other people have to change completely to revolve around him? Surely it should be give and take both sides

If you want to get along, maybe this.

Say thank you for the advice, I will speak with my children & reassure all will be fine. You don’t need give any more detail about what you are saying etc.

Speak to your children but don’t give annoyed vibe: Like X isn’t in school right now, it’s a sensitive topic. Try not to ask him about school because it could cause him upset.
Also, he likes his quiet time. If he removes himself from the group it’s because he is relaxing. Don’t take it personally. You kids can also have quiet time if you want - it’s a holiday after all.
One last thing, he might not want to join in games that are competitive … which is most games. So …. Really, just realise he’s not in school, and might not join in everything.

Then on holiday - leave the kids alone, you have talked to them and it’s best you can do. Try to turn off her instructions, don’t let her get in your head.

When you are there, she will have her hands full. The dining - eat late, and eat outside after kids. Her son probably wants to eat away from group which is why he says this.

Just tell her of course, smile and re-assure her. You have told your kids, it’s all you can do.

What is the reason for needing quiet time beside the pool?

where is everyone else going to go?