to think women still get the blame even if they opt out of gift giving for husbands side of the family?

[Goldyyup]

A lot of women do the wife work of getting the gifts and cards for the husbands side of the family. I did it myself and then got fed up. Told DH he had to do it himself and now I am getting the blame for not reminding him of people's birthdays on his side of the family.

He doesn't note down the birthdays or set himself reminders. I have a lot of family on my side so I have a proper system so I do not forget.

This is happened to friends too yet I have never heard a husband getting the blame because someone from her side did not receive a card or gift etc.

Same! Drives me insane but I feel like I can’t win.
I do it because they make a huge effort for all of us so I would hate them to think I had forgotten them and upset them on their birthday.

He is just disorganised. Every part of his life is disorganised except for the bits I help with 🙈
Its great in a way though because if he has an idea that I’m not a fan of (he is desperate to get his motor bike licence and they scare me to death) I just leave him to it because I know he’ll never get round to it 😂

Oh yes, damned if you do and damned if you don't. That's why the best my SO's relatives can get from me are smartshow 3d video cards because I do them anyway for my distant relatives. I agree that you shouldn't have started, but what's done is done. So much of our input goes unnoticed, but skip the gift once and you'll never hear the end of it.

I have mostly worked with men, and one of the things I enjoyed about it was no presents. Now I’m in a company of mostly men but there’s two women (out of 40) other than me, and now we’ve got an endless parade of gifts to contribute towards, and socials that none of us want to get involved in.

I've stopped buying for DH parents over the last couple of years. He does manage to get them a voucher so all fine there. What drives me mad is the look of surprised delight that he's remembered and bought them something (they know I have handed the job back to him). I mean it's not like I have been doing it for the last twenty years!!!! I'm at a loss as to why my gift giving hasn't been met with exclamations of pride and adoration especially as my gifts actually involved some thought!!!!! I get on with them very well by the way!

I do smile to myself when I explain to DH that as they are so over the moon he can just crack on forever now 😁

My SIL and I both made the pact to stop this shit at the same time. (We remember each other’s bdays!) We have also explained to our kids why there won’t be presents from dad/uncle (but we make up for it in other ways.) MIL very vocal about this but kids understand.

Yep, my husband always makes a slight comment about our SIL presumably (he doesn't even know for sure) not making his brother do more. I remind him it's not her job to do that, I don't do it for him! Then he tries to backtrack 🤣

Not only that but there would be no negative consequences. Birthdays pass, no gifts are given and yet everyone still gets on with each other and the work still gets done. There is no need at all to think about birthdays in a professional context. No one cares.

If they care about this so much, maybe they should have raised him better.

I've never done DPs either, it's up to him.

I am always surprised how many people on here say their MILs blame them, these women must be in the 50's/60's which is where I am and I find it so old fashioned. I think the approach to take is to be surprised- I mean why wouldn't an adult remember his families birthdays and choose a card and gift?

If they can't be bothered it shows they aren't bothered about birthdays and gifts etc and this includes their own birthday.

I guess it depends how much you like some or all of DH's members of the family.
DH is always the one remembering without having any reminders or notes anywhere. Obviously I remember my family.
What we do we either go ahead and buy/send/give and mention this has happened. Or, if either of us is short of time or forgot we tell each other and whoever is available sorts out the gift/card situation.
It just so happens I love getting gifts for children on his side of the family and I enjoy getting involved if I actually remember the date. But most of the times he's already on the case.
Christmas cards for both families and friends, I do those myself because I actually like all these people and enjoy writing proper messages, sometimes with a longer note for those we haven't seen in a while. DH sorts out his own Christmas cards for special work related contacts.

It's got nothing to do with how much people like their partners family! Or are we to deduce that if they don't do cards and gifts then actually they don't like their family very much 🤔.

That's the patriarchy in action. Men don't do it as they see it as womens work.

I don't get blamed why would I?

Nope, it doesn't remotely depend on that unless you're suggesting that men who don't remember and buy for their partners' family, must hate them? And of course hate their own family too if they can't be arsed to buy anything themselves?

This wouldn't have stopped their views that it is the woman's role.

Pure sexism raised within the family.

Women should care about everyone and always remind or do the work.

Men shouldn’t have to remember anyone’s birthday because someone else should have always remembered.

It’s a miracle some of those men manage to tie their own shoe laces. Watch out for the men wearing slip ons 🤣

I don't understand what liking dh's family members has got to do with it. Would you think the same if DH did not remember my cousins birthday? It means he does not like her??