to think women still get the blame even if they opt out of gift giving for husbands side of the family?

[Goldyyup]

A lot of women do the wife work of getting the gifts and cards for the husbands side of the family. I did it myself and then got fed up. Told DH he had to do it himself and now I am getting the blame for not reminding him of people's birthdays on his side of the family.

He doesn't note down the birthdays or set himself reminders. I have a lot of family on my side so I have a proper system so I do not forget.

This is happened to friends too yet I have never heard a husband getting the blame because someone from her side did not receive a card or gift etc.

I've never bought presents for DH family, and he is perfectly capable of remembering to buy them himself. I do think he sometimes buys somewhat rubbish presents, but that's not my problem.

Well you could easily look at it from the other side, why wouldn't you remember in advance? If DH buys/sends a card to his Gran every July for 20 years then odds are his Grans birthday is in July. If you've been invited to his nephews birthday tea every October for the past 5 years then chances are he has an October birthday.
Regardless of who's "side" it is, or who's "job" it is to remember, surely it's not beyond the realms of possibilities that many people actually would have an idea!

My point is that this doesn't need to translate into taking action. It's irrelevant whether his nephew's birthday is in October or June if I'm not the one finding out what he would like for a present and buying, it, wrapping it and sending it.

Ah - ok.

Ah got it.

@BeforeWinter of course you don't need to take action. But you literally said (after 30ish years) "I have no idea when his parents' or siblings' or nieces' or nephews' birthdays are -- why would I?"

Presumably tho, PIL etc buy their son’s partner presents? I’d feel awful if my partner was crap at gifts or forgot, if they put thought into my present. I get on with my in-laws reasonably well so don’t mind sharing the load present-buying wise. After all they do for us I wouldn’t want them to feel under appreciated.

I have never bought a present or card for DH’s side of the family. His family, his problem…I have my own to deal with.

I've been with DH for around 30 years and I've only got a vague idea because my memory is shit and I can't remember exactly when the various birthday get togethers occur and whose birthday which occasion was for. I know DHs sisters because it's on the same days as our sons. Other than that I think his dads is around jun to aug and his mums is around sep to oct. But i wouldn't put money on it.

No, but I also never took on that role.

Birthdays and corresponding to-do task a week or so before are on our family calendar, though, so we don't each have to create our own system for tracking them. By default DH does anything for his family and I do anything for mine (we split non-relatives as well) but we can both see it and it's easy to trade tasks between us. But for people we both have relationships with who we aren't seeing day-of we both text or call independently (and remind older DC to do the same) in addition to anything going in the mail or celebrations that will happen on a different day, so neither of us is relying on the other to ensure a birthday gets any recognition from us at all.

I think having done it for so long is what is making the transition tough. Share your system with your DH once (if you don't keep a family calendar then give it to him as a list when he's sitting around not doing anything else "if you want to add them all in at once") and consider whether you're willing to tell him that you'll do a transition year where you remind him once for each occasion to make sure it gets in his calendar - DH and I do these sorts of collaborative transitions when passing off tasks one of us has always handled. Otherwise I'd just push through the transition... call or text people you have a relationship to tell them happy birthday from you and deflect any card/gift discussion towards your DH.

I don't get involved - it their responsibility;

Ignore them. They can take it up with him. If it was important to him, he would do it.

I'm curious now, do the in-laws buy for the DILs?

I don't understand why you care even a tiny bit about such ridiculous people? If I got a message blaming me for this I would ignore it. If someone blamed me to my face I would ask them why on earth they thought it was my problem. Then I would lessen my contact with them substantially because I don't need foolishness in my life.

I bought DP's family (sister and kids) presents one Xmas and one Xmas only, because he was in hospital. Never offered before or since. Not sure I know when any of their birthdays actually are. Not my problem!

No chance, I do mine, he does his.

I am naturally organised and my husband has adhd and is dreadful at organisation. The only presents he buys are for me and he does it brilliantly and on time. I buy everyone else's and am happy to do it . One Christmas, his mum opened her present and " thank you Ahwig it's fabulous " my husband jokingly said " how comes I don't get a thank you ?"
My mother in law instantly covered up the present and said, " ok what did you buy me then?"
His reply was " err, well err" " exactly " she said " and that's why I thanked your wife" 😂

I don't do it for DP, but hilariously his family just don't seem to understand that. It's been 15 years.

Every single Christmas, they thank me lavishly and start talking about the objects they've received, while ignoring DP. I often don't even know what it is. He isn't brilliant at it though, and often forgets, making me look bad. His mum messages me to remind me to get something for his sister's birthday, I have to gently say tell DP! It's funny because if it were brought up they would all say of course he should do it, I work longer hours for a start.

Edit to say: the only exception to this is my lovely teenage nieces on DP's side, who I have a good relationship with. I love buying for them.

My mother always did the presents for my father's side of the family, she also bought the cards, but made him write them. So when I got married in 1980, I did the same because I thought that was what women did. I did used to involve my H - made him ring his family and ask what they'd like, sent him shopping for certain things, but all the remembering and planning was down to me, even though I wrote everything on a big calendar in the kitchen. One time we left a card and present for his aunt (who was single) at his mother's house and for some reason it didn't get to her. She wrote such a nasty letter to him, but in it she blamed me. She said she wasn't going to get presents for us or our children again. We didn't answer and she got over it, but by that time, so was I!

It's tricky when present swapping in person, at Christmas. My SIL used to get lovely little extras for us, including thoughtful things for me. In return, DP would hand over the exact thing she'd asked for and nothing more. Bloody embarrassing but the alternative would be me adding to my already crazy Christmas shopping list.

We only do the kids now thank god, it was excruciating.

Of course we get the blame (from sexist people); the trick is to not care. That's how we get sucked into all the extra mental-load stuff in the first place - because we're daft enough to care whether other people think we're Womaning Wrong.

Fake it til you make it - don't do it, and act like you don't care. The sky won't fall, and after a few goes you actually won't care.

I got myself into this, sadly, because I used to love buying cards and gifts and thinking what to get that the person would like, etc, so I ended up doing DP’s side of the family. Fifteen years later and I no longer enjoy buying cards and presents, and most especially not for DP’s family. I’ve said I’m not doing it any more but he just sails on by not bothering, and then I feel guilty. 😬

His mum is especially bad — she gets offended if there is no present, but he can do no wrong, so somehow the blame must be pinned on me…. However, I have solved this by getting her a card and some small things (that she actually likes, eg a book and some chocolates) just from me and DD; and then if he doesn’t buy a present for her….that’s his lookout and he looks bad next to us.

Yep absolutely. I stopped around 15 years ago, left it to dh. One Xmas he emailed a family member to ask what they wanted and they replied asking why I wasn't sorting it when he's busy working. Lol.

They rarely get anything these days and I'm sure I get the blame.

I know that if I'm working with mostly men, no one would organise a leaving/birthday present and I'm not doing it so this tracks .

Organising presents and cards is a joint effort here, we both have input and work it between us regardless of whose side of the family it is.

My MIL got out her birthday book so I could write down the family birthdays. I told her I found it annoying enough having to do it for my own family, so I certainly wouldn't be doing DHs. I'm proud of myself for that!