to think women still get the blame even if they opt out of gift giving for husbands side of the family?

[Goldyyup]

A lot of women do the wife work of getting the gifts and cards for the husbands side of the family. I did it myself and then got fed up. Told DH he had to do it himself and now I am getting the blame for not reminding him of people's birthdays on his side of the family.

He doesn't note down the birthdays or set himself reminders. I have a lot of family on my side so I have a proper system so I do not forget.

This is happened to friends too yet I have never heard a husband getting the blame because someone from her side did not receive a card or gift etc.

He isn't blaming me.

Not here – I do not help DH at all and he gets all the annoyed text messages from family for whom he has missed occasions. No one mentions it to me. So sad, too bad.

Why would you have any idea?? Perhaps because you've been together about 30 years... does nobody have birthday parties or celebrate anything??

My partner has ASD/ADHD and so not only forgets, but even if reminded massively struggles to pick a gift. He gets hugely overwhelmed with it all and so i'm happy to take on the gift picking for his mum. His son knows what he wants and asks for specific things. His brother and sister we have an arrangement we just do amazon gift cards.

I have never done this and if my husband attempted to blame me I would tell him to do one,

I can only speak for our family, but we all know my brother is hopeless at remembering birthdays. The most we can hope for is a Facebook prompted birthday message.

On the other hand he is famed for choosing wickedly humourous Christmas presents 😊

I hope you refer these family members back to your DH!

Honestly, some women treat me like children then moan when they act like children.

Any womèn that ever started to do this is the one at fault.

No.
I never get blamed, neither did I start with this nonsense.

Tell your in-laws that your DH must have been very badly raised, or possibly doesn't care about them very much if he's forgotten their birthdays.

They'll need to speak to him to find out which one of those it is, as it's really not your problem.

Not here. I don't have anything to do with present buying for his side (barely even for my side if I'm really honest) but if DH stopped doing it his family wouldn't blame me. It would be really weird from them if they did. Nobody on either sides of our families consider the men to be absolved of any responsibility in this area or incapable

I don't and never have sorted cards or presents for dh's side. He deals with his side and me mine.

Why did she take over responsibility in the first place? Women just need to stop doing this and the expectation that it's the women's job will die out.

Honestly OP you just have to stop caring! DH doesn't blame you, and it really doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. Just say each and every time "yes, DH forgot" and don't let any comments bother you.

I never took responsibility for his family from the start. Why should I? So he does remember. We have a joint calendar with reminders on

What do they say, OP? Surely you just tell them that DH must have forgotten?

I've never done it for DP's family, but I did talk to him about setting up a system when he was upset with himself for forgetting. He's been much better since then.

You are being unreasonable to give any credence to their sexist nonsense. It's not your job and anyone who thinks otherwise is a r4egressive MCP.

You could go all Mumsnet on their arses and tell them to give their heads a wobble.

But why would I remember in advance? Obviously I will show up to parties and and send a birthday text on the day if DH reminds me, but it's his family, so his job to remember significant dates in time to organise cards, presents, surprise parties or whatever. Same as I wouldn't expect him to be sending flowers to my mum for her birthday.

An older female relative of mine has this attitude. She showers her spoiled, man-child son with gifts and money all year round and when he only makes the bare minimum effort on her birthday and Christmas, it’s his partner’s fault.

I've never taken this responsibility, but am pretty sure MIL is baffled by it because all her other son's wives do. She has on numerous occasions asked me to buy presents for our kids on her behalf, and I always direct her to DP to do this - I already make suggestions for both my (divorced) parents to buy the kids, am not doing it for her as well when he is perfectly capable. Always goes down like a lead balloon

Do they actually blame you to your face or is it they are frosty with you both after a missed birthday? If your husband tell them not to blame you, every single time, perhaps you need to spell it out to them. Remind them it’s his job to buy for his relatives and he obviously doesn’t want to or he would put a reminder on a calendar. His phone can be set up to practically nag him , so🤷🏻‍♀️

DPs sister and mother get annoyed about missed gifts etc all the time. I’ve told my DP and his family that gifts for his side are not my responsibility. I have a massive family so I have enough on my plate. I think after 13 years they’re starting to get the message.

Yep I had this from my ex mil a few times…it’s up to him to sort them! They never did, annoyed me no end!! If he ever did sort them it was done late.

I've never done it and never been blamed when he doesn't do it. I think if you do it and then stop I can see people could complain as they suddenly stop getting presents - but nothing to do with you

It's not been a problem for me. It never occurred to me to do it for DH's family and sometimes he'll forget and it's fine. His family aren't big on gifts, they don't even send him a birthday gift or card these days (they will send them for the dcs).