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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think women still get the blame even if they opt out of gift giving for husbands side of the family?

91 replies

Goldyyup · 05/03/2025 16:08

A lot of women do the wife work of getting the gifts and cards for the husbands side of the family. I did it myself and then got fed up. Told DH he had to do it himself and now I am getting the blame for not reminding him of people's birthdays on his side of the family.

He doesn't note down the birthdays or set himself reminders. I have a lot of family on my side so I have a proper system so I do not forget.

This is happened to friends too yet I have never heard a husband getting the blame because someone from her side did not receive a card or gift etc.

OP posts:
Catza · 05/03/2025 16:12

You shouldn't have started. I never did it with any of my partners and don't plan on doing it going forward. So if/when they failed to organize it, it was nothing to do with me. Funny but my partner's ex from whom he separated 14 years ago still sends him reminders to call his mum on her birthday. She can knock herself out if she wishes. Not my monkeys.

Somanyquestion · 05/03/2025 16:12

I do not get blamed (and it's I did that is not my problem). My DH communicates with his family re gifts so they know I have nothing to do with it. He is better at gifts with his family than I am with mine, but that's OK. I never started though which might make it easier as then there was never the expectation

NowYouSee · 05/03/2025 16:12

Who is blaming you, DH or his family members?

If DH I would tell him he is a big boy and can use a diary like everyone else.

If his family I would do a little laugh and say come now, your brother is a 40 year old man and quite capable of using a diary without supervision.

Brefugee · 05/03/2025 16:13

have any of them complained directly to you?
Happened to me twice (I have never bought them cards or presents because i don't like them). I just laughed the first time. The second time i told them i don't care and they can complain to him.

They never did but they also never bugged me about it either. (but - you can only do that kind of thing if you don't care about your relationship with them)

Motheranddaughter · 05/03/2025 16:15

I have nothing to do with presents / cards for my DH ‘s family and if anyone blames me 1.They do not mention it to me and 2. I couldn’t give a flying fuck If

OneEdgyScroller · 05/03/2025 16:18

Yes. After a few years of stressing about of this, Iold my MIL (and DH) that I was putting Dh in charge of all family gifts and cards for his side. She was aghast but I reminded her my side of the family was 4x the size and I worked FT even longer hours than DH. She knew, as I did, that DH would be terrible at it, and he was. But I did not need that additional stress. No regrets.

Original poster
Goldyyup · 05/03/2025 16:26

NowYouSee · 05/03/2025 16:12

Who is blaming you, DH or his family members?

If DH I would tell him he is a big boy and can use a diary like everyone else.

If his family I would do a little laugh and say come now, your brother is a 40 year old man and quite capable of using a diary without supervision.

Family members. DH accepts it is his job.

OP posts:
JoyousEagle · 05/03/2025 16:27

I don't know why you'd ever start doing it. Either he was doing it fine before he met you, in which case he can crack on. Or he wasn't bothering, in which case it's not your problem, and certainly not your responsibility if he continues to forget.

I could tell you roughly when my PILs birthdays are (I know the months, not the day). I have no clue about DH's grandparents' birthdays, but I know he sends presents.

socks1107 · 05/03/2025 16:29

I don't get involved with his families gifts and cards. But my sil still sends messages of what her kids would like and every time I say I'll forward it for him to sort!
Not my job I have my own family to sort

JoyousEagle · 05/03/2025 16:29

Family members. DH accepts it is his job.

I genuinely find it fascinating that a man's family would think this way. Either they were getting presents from him before he met you, but somehow when you moved in/got married they just thought it automatically transferred over to you?? Or he wasn't sending presents, and they were thinking "ah well, once he has a wife, we'll get a birthday card".

mindutopia · 05/03/2025 16:29

I have never in 17 years bought a gift or a card or anything for any of dh’s family. I don’t even do the bulk of gift buying for dc for Christmas and birthdays. I made very clear from early on that this is a two man/woman show and I’m not up for wife work. And it’s never been a problem. Dh wasn’t looking for a door mat and he knew he wasn’t signing up for one with me. 😂

echt · 05/03/2025 16:31

My late DH was all over the business of sending cards and pressies to his side.

My own family, all male, not so much. Every year I sent reminders of Mother's Day and our mum's birthday to the men in my family. From me in Australia, to them in the UK. Hmm

Endofyear · 05/03/2025 16:37

Yep women do nearly always get the blame. I don't do present buying or cards for DHs family, that's up to him. I did it for years and none of them ever bothered to acknowledge my birthday 🤷‍♀️ so now I don't bother. They may well blame me but honestly, I couldn't care less!

Brefugee · 05/03/2025 16:54

Goldyyup · 05/03/2025 16:26

Family members. DH accepts it is his job.

Show quote history

in that case "ho ho ho what an old fashioned idea that I should do all this for DHs family, hahahahah" with a perfectly straight face.
Then change the subject.

GreyCarpet · 05/03/2025 17:00

I don't know why/how so many women find themselves as the default gift buyer.

I've never offered, I've never been asked, I've never done it and, more importantly, no one's family has ever assumed it was my responsibility either!

I can't even imagine how it comes about, tbh. How does it start? Surely a partner's gift buying/giving habits are established long before they get married? How's it that women acquire this responsibility without suggesting it themselves?

(I am actually genuinely interested in the answer to this now I've thought about it!)

GreyCarpet · 05/03/2025 17:02

mindutopia · 05/03/2025 16:29

I have never in 17 years bought a gift or a card or anything for any of dh’s family. I don’t even do the bulk of gift buying for dc for Christmas and birthdays. I made very clear from early on that this is a two man/woman show and I’m not up for wife work. And it’s never been a problem. Dh wasn’t looking for a door mat and he knew he wasn’t signing up for one with me. 😂

Same.

And, tbh, it wasn't ever an issue either. It wasn't even a conversation beyond, "We'll carry on doing the buying for our own families?"

"Yep."

WildCats24 · 05/03/2025 17:04

So he’s not consistently doing it then? Otherwise they wouldn’t have complaints? Are they coming directly to YOU?

I’m GenX and have never done them for DH—I always assumed it was women who were older than me who did this.

JHound · 05/03/2025 17:16

My mom did this. Complained to me about my SIL not arranging her a gift / present for her birthday.

I reminded her my brother was her son….

Honestly I have never and would never take ownership of getting gift’s for my partners family. We either plan and organise together or they go without (especially as typically I was not raised to get gifts for everybody in my family.)

And if they complain they’re sexists and I don’t care about the opinions of sexists.

JHound · 05/03/2025 17:18

Told DH he had to do it himself and now I am getting the blame for not reminding him of people's birthdays on his side of the family.

Being with a man like this would hurt my soul.

JohnTheRevelator · 05/03/2025 17:18

Yep. I had this back in the days when I was married, and I'm now witnessing it with my DD and her DH. A few years ago,she told her DH that he had to take over responsibility for buying his DM birthday/Christmas/mother's day presents and cards. As she said,she doesn't expect HIM to buy presents and cards for ME. There is not much love lost between him and his DM so guess what? She ended up getting nothing. And who gets the blame? Yes,DD.

BeforeWinter · 05/03/2025 17:19

Why would you start to give presents and cards to his family on his behalf in the first place? DH and I have been together since the 1990s, and I have no idea when his parents' or siblings' or nieces' or nephews' birthdays are -- why would I?

TheMorels · 05/03/2025 17:21

I can’t imagine why any woman starts this infantilising. I’ve never once been responsible for buying gifts for my husband’s side of the family, nor cards. I have never needed to remind him either.

OvaHere · 05/03/2025 17:25

GreyCarpet · 05/03/2025 17:00

I don't know why/how so many women find themselves as the default gift buyer.

I've never offered, I've never been asked, I've never done it and, more importantly, no one's family has ever assumed it was my responsibility either!

I can't even imagine how it comes about, tbh. How does it start? Surely a partner's gift buying/giving habits are established long before they get married? How's it that women acquire this responsibility without suggesting it themselves?

(I am actually genuinely interested in the answer to this now I've thought about it!)

Edited

IME it starts when the woman is on maternity leave or has a period of being a SAHM.

"Can you get something for my Mum whilst you're in town/at the supermarket?"

Then the woman is guilted into doing it because technically she has the time and he is of course very busy at work.

A couple of years worth of birthdays/mothers days etc. pass and it's 'forgotten' that it was ever his job.

The only way to stop this is to stand firm in the first place at the first request but that can be difficult because on the face of it, it sounds like a reasonable request and refusing sounds like you're being difficult or even selfish.

But it's a slippery slope.

TriathlonTriathlonTriathlon · 05/03/2025 17:28

DH is crap at remembering to buy presents for his family, his brother/nieces and nephews often go without, but no-one comes for ME, as he's an adult male of sound mind... I work more and earn more than him, so I get left alone!

It's 2025, I say we show male incompetence for what it is 👌

DownWithTrump · 05/03/2025 17:44

My MiL gave me a birthday diary with all the birthdays on his side of the family in it for a Christmas present when I got married. I gave it to DH.